We’ve received a rather distressing missive from Paul from Paengaroa in New Zealand:
I made the mistake of looking at the CNN website (I am not sure that it is truly putting a world perspective spin on news) and I was distraught to find out that they do not currently acknowledge New Zealand as part of the world. In fact they appear to have missed all of Australasia/Oceania in their Geographically named user interfaces.
This troubles me as I believe that I may now be living on a different planet as my living place is not included in the world. Please can you answer me this….has New Zealand moved to another planet?
Yikes. Is it global warming? Continental drift? Another vanishing trick by David Copperfield? Unfortunately from my sofa in Crystal Palace I’m not well-positioned to check on the current whereabouts of New Zealand; but if any of you are larking about in or near the southern Pacific, please let us know if Australasia is all present and correct so that we can put Paul’s mind at rest. Wherever it is!
** Answer Me This! returns on May 15th; meanwhile click HERE to listen to the back catalogue **
I’ve an apology and a plea to make to an unknown questioneer. The other day I was clearing our spam folder of the several hundred messages offering to ‘enlarge the thing between your legs’ (the inseam of my trousers? No thanks, it’s an entirely appropriate size already). In the brief seconds between me clicking ‘Delete Forever’ and the spams being flushed away into the internet’s sewer-pipe, I noticed a proper email nestled among the wang-embiggeners, from someone possibly called Jessica, asking a question about Ray Liotta.
But by that point it was too late, and poor Jessica(?)’s question was consigned to a purgatorial eternity along with the money-scams and Hot Rude Babes.
Jessica(?), if you’re out there, please send us your Ray Liotta question again. Or, if you know Ray Liotta-fan Jessica(?), do beseach her to email us again at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com and perhaps it’ll be not too late to make it right.
Here, as Jessica-bait, is a picture of Ray Liotta:
** Answer Me This! returns on May 15th; meanwhile click HERE to listen to the back catalogue **
You listeners are endlessly wonderful. Not only do you send us all those questions we live to answer, but now pictures as well! Going straight onto the Answer Me This! fridge is this drawing by Alison from San Jose (click for a bigger image):
Alison writes:
As I listen to your podcast my mind makes up images of what the place you record in looks like. I decided to sketch out what I picture in my head. I have no idea if I’m right, though…what if your “recording studio” is really an old rec room or someone’s bedroom? What if you’re all just sitting around on a bed leaning over to share a computer microphone? I much prefer to picture you in a professional-type studio with fancy microphones, a laptop for quick research, and Martin in his own fancy sound booth. So Helen and Ollie, answer me this, what does your recording studio look like?
Alison, we hate to disappoint you, so let’s just say that our recording studio is even fancier than Mr Kipling’s French Fancies. It looks almost exactly like this, although you can’t quite see the 18-carat gold ceiling in this picture:
Oh, ok - our studio isn’t quite as snazzy as that one, but let’s keep Alison’s dream alive a little longer… Meanwhile, before we reveal the prosaic reality of Where The Magic Happens, if any of the rest of you feel like sending us a picture of what you think the studio looks like, we’d be quite delighted. Please email it to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, and we’ll post it up here, just like Tony Hart might have done if he hadn’t retired.
** Answer Me This! returns on May 15th; meanwhile click HERE to listen to the back catalogue **
We may be off air for a month, but we’re still dedicated to helping you waste time. So, if you’re yearning for some pointless activity, go straight to our new Puzzle Page and have a nice doss around with our new Answer Me This! Jigsaws.
If jigsaws are not your thing, don’t worry - more sorts of games and puzzles will be added in the coming weeks, so fear not, all that nasty surplus time you’re burdened with will duly be taken care of.
If you’re having trouble listening to Answer Me This! today, panic not - our hosting company’s just having a spot of bother, but we’re assured that they’ll be back up and running before your ears even have time to shout, “What the hell am I supposed to do now, eh?”
Meantime, here’s a luvverly picture of something we saw in the supermarket the other day:
** Update: 25/04: This problem now seems to be solved. Huzzah!
So that knackered end-of-term feeling was running high in Episode 53. Mouth was already waiting out in the car park while Brain was still packing up its gym-kit. And that, dear listeners, is how mistakes get made.
But luckily, and not for the first time, the ever-assiduous Nick has been in touch to correct my error regarding Paul in Southend’s question about adding salt to cooking water. Says Nick:
Putting salt in water raises, not lowers, the boiling point; the idea, of course, is that the water can be hotter, and thus cook your food (presumably rice or pasta) a bit quicker. And a bit saltier. Surprised Martin “Mr Scientist” didn’t pick you up on that one.
Yeah, Martin! Did you buy your doctorate off the internet? Pshaw!
Anyway, apologies for that, and thanks Nick. However the crux of my point remains true, that in order for salt to make a larger-than-infinitesimal difference to your cookery times, you would have to add so much of it that your alphabetti would be completely inedible. Not to mention that it would turn your supper into one of the greatest predators known to man! SALT KILLS, people!
Not this Salt, mind. She is, to our knowledge, perfectly innocent.
It’s been such a rip-roaring series of Answer Me This! that we can scarcely believe that it’s over… However, after all this talking we’ve been doing, we have to take a month off to have our jaws repaired at Dr Gargle’s Sanatorium For Withered Podcasters. But we’ll be back, good as new, on 15th May, and meanwhile, why not listen to Episode 53 by clicking on this player?
Oh, because you’d rather download it? Very well, then:
Tickling one’s eardrums this week are such subjects as:
Rock Profile
lazy lazy Delia’s late-night snacks Legally Blonde
tears of a clown (not the song)
psychiatric sandwich boards
ukulele vs. banjolele
Answer Me This! vs. paintballing
George Dawes
the Pirates of the Caribbean ride Dave
brine
and
Sun-In.
Plus: Olly emulates Kurt Cobain; Helen becomes completely blind to innuendo; and Martin the Sound Man is busy sprinkling his magic dream-sand everywhere he goes. Not on the carpet, Martin - it’s only just been hoovered! You big sandy divvy.
We’ll surely miss you while we’re off the air, so keep in touch by sending YOUR QUESTIONS for the new series to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or our Question Line 0208 123 5877/Skype ID answermethis. Also, as over the course of this series you’ve sent us more excellent questions than ever - alas far too many to cover in the podcast - we’ll be tackling some of the backlog in written form, right here on this website. So do pop by every so often!
Yes, our new episode is out today, but you might not have received it in the usual way. See, our podcast has moved to a new feed. Incredibly, we were Too Popular for our old one. As Olly’s Yiddishe ancestors may have sagely commented, ‘Eh! I should have these problems!’ Etc.
Don’t worry if you don’t know what a ‘feed’ even means. Here’s all you need to know:
If you subscribe to us with iTunes:
Even though your iTunes might have been behaving oddly whilst we switched feeds (sorry about that), Episode 52 should be delivered to your Podcast Library as usual. Check. If it’s there, everything’s working fine - you’re receiving our new feed. Hurrah!
If, however, you haven’t received Episode 52 in your Podcast Library, even after refreshing, then just go to our iTunes Store page and Resubscribe. Our show’s free, so that’s no great shakes, right? Then you should see Episode 52 downloading to your Podcast Library, and you’ll get all our new episodes from now on, just like old times.
If you subscribe via RSS:
You need to subscribe to our new RSS feed. Here it is: RSS
Presto!
If you listen/get your MP3s of our show through this website:
It’s your lucky day. None of this ‘pressing the subscribe button again’ for you! All the links on this site should work fine.
If any of you have other technical problems we haven’t covered here, do email us to let us know, and we’ll do our best to sort it out. Of course, that’s the address for non-technical problems too, like whether you should go out with that guy you like but you’re not sure if he likes you. We’re a service in so many ways.
Stick or twist, listeners? Twist? Oh dear, it’s nine of clubs, which means you’re out. Too bad. House always wins.
Yup, it’s Episode 52 of Answer Me This!, which means that there are as many Answer Me This!es as there are cards in a pack, suggesting that Episode 53 next week will either be a joker, or that weird spare card with all the bridge values written on it. Let’s just hope it’s the former, eh? Meantime, deal yourself Episode 52 by clicking on this player:
Or download it to stick up your sleeve like some kind of a podcast-shark:
Susie Malin’s theories of the face
swimming pools
Batman
Princess Margaret
Floella Benjamin
pigeons by post
Des’ree
Walter Mitty
dry cleaning
Elton John’s mum
gas-mask fetishists
and
kohlrabi.
Also: Olly’s childhood crush on Michael Jackson; Helen’s pathetic excuse for an existence; and Martin the Sound Man’s inexplicable enthusiasm for fan-fiction concerning him and Olly. However if these things have left you feeling a little sullied, cleanse your soul with a spot of charity - listener Jamie just emailed us to say:
I’m running the London Marathon next Sunday on behalf of Marie Curie Cancer Care. Could you tell your listeners about my justgiving page - www.justgiving.com/jamiet? I would say that making a donation would get you a place in heaven, but as neither you or I believe in God it would be pointless.
So if you’ve got a bit to spare in the family vault, listeners, give a bit to Jamie! Frankly, none of us lardybums are ever likely to raise any money through the medium of exercise, so we’re happy to pay Jamie off to do all that unpleasant sweating and yomping in our stead.
At this very moment, there’s a man standing in the car-park round the back of Answer Me This! Towers shouting, “Answer Me! Answer Me!!!” That’s not how you get a question onto the podcast, silly! Try leaving a message on the Question Line 0208 123 5877/Skype ID answermethis, or emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Now run along and stop thumping your head against the fence, you madcap!
We’ve had some delightful feedback regarding Episode 50, firstly from Dr Ruth:
After hearing of Jonathon Roberts’ lamentable predisposition to eating his hair gel, I felt compelled to reply with my own version of this affliction. I work in a lab, and we use agar gel for growing bacterial colonies. I LOVE the smell of agar gel (a sort of malty aroma), although others find it repulsive. I did once try some, and although it was really quite revolting to taste, I still find myself wanting to eat it whenever I smell the damned stuff, even though I now know that it would not satisfy my taste buds!
Don’t be frightened, kids - Dr Ruth’s not snacking on some mysterious ectoplasm. Agar is a derivative of seaweed, and is used instead of gelatine in various foodstuffs, so is quite edible and non-toxic. But it’s also a laxative, so watch out, Dr Ruth!
On another Episode 50-related matter, Flash from Dublin writes:
When I heard you talk about funny places to fall asleep I just had to share mine. I was at a music festival in Japan and at some point between Primal scream and New Order my friends found me asleep on a low branch of a tree. No Idea what Happened as I usually don’t even like going uphill, never mind the effort of tree climbing!
Gosh, the amazing adventures of the somnolent Flash! However I suspect that you were trying to escape the sound of Primal Scream by stuffing your ears with bark. Even when asleep, humans’ instincts for self-preservation are remarkable.
We’re having a bit of a technological spring-clean this week, so if you notice anything odd, like your iTunes doing something uncharacteristic with your Answer Me This! collection, panic not. Normality shall be restored very soon. Promise!
Many* of you have written to us in distress** to ask why Episode 50 didn’t appear on iTunes last week. We’re not quite sure - just some tiny glitch at the mighty iMothership, we gather - but it seems to be there now. *one or two
**in a mildly irked state
Anyway, as far as we can tell there are no such problems concerning Answer Me This! Episode 51. Just click on this player:
And this week’s discourse features such diverse elements as: No Country for Old Men
Taco Bell
Olly’s Great Cinema Swindle White Dwarf
Michael Winner
George and Lynne from the Sun
testosterone
boobs vs. manboobs
locksmiths
KFC hats
Green Shield Stamps
and
our dads’ underpants.
Moreover, Olly confesses to being a rotten pilfering varmint; Helen has a surprising amount in common with Axl Rose; and Martin the Sound Man teaches us all a lesson about etiquette for swingers. Ugh.
Now, in two episodes’ time we’re taking a month off, so if you’ve got a QUESTION, hurry the hell up and send it to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or our Question Line on 0208 123 5877 (Skypeanswermethis).
