Archive for the ‘contrition’ Category

vanilla phone death

July 14, 2010

** We’ll be back on July 15th; meanwhile click here
to listen to past episodes of
Answer Me This! **

Here’s a long, sad story from Andreas in Sweden, but it’s a good one, so strap in:

Last week, while doing my job involving making food colouring, aromas and being cooked alive because it’s 30 cunting degrees in Sweden, you destroyed my phone and made my day shit overall.

I was going to produce something called “Vanilla Extract” to be sent off to a ice cream company for them to make vanilla ice cream. To get the obvious flavour of this concoction I needed to, through a tap mechanism, pour a undiluted mixture of ethanol and vanilla seeds into a bucket as an ingredient. This ingredient is kept in a big, cylindrical tank that holds 200 litres of the shit. To check if there was enough left in the tank for me to finish my assignment, I took the lid off of it and put it aside. Pleased with what I saw, I knocked off for lunch.

Upon my return I did what I always do when my boss is on a business trip (he’s a right shit, by the way): I got out my phone and put on some Answer Me This! To hear it better I put it on top of the tank. Instead of your funny banter streaming into my ears, I heard a splash, a gurgle and my phone hitting the bottom of the tank.

I hurried to find something to stand on. I got up on an empty cardboard box and from there climbed onto the tank and shoved my entire arm into the alcohol and vanilla. Having a bunch of tiny cuts on my hand did not make this a more pleasant experience.

I finally got the phone out of the tank and had by now sort of lost my footing on the side of the tank. I quickly put one foot on the box I had used to get up there. I had forgotten it was empty and put my big, fat foot right in the center of it. I fell onto my knee, hitting the shitting corner of the rig the tank rests on.

Long story short, you destroyed my phone and ruined my day.

We’re terribly sorry, Andreas, that your phone died in the effort to manufacture the most boring ice cream flavour. But we don’t feel directly responsible for your calamity, therefore will not be buying you a new phone. Or knee. Also, worse things have happened in the name of vanilla, viz:

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Human Centipede

June 29, 2010

** We’ll be back on July 15th; meanwhile click here
to listen to past episodes of
Answer Me This! **


Uh oh, Kat from London is angry. At us. Must’ve been something we said in Episode 140:

Dear Helen and Olly – or, as you shall be known hereafter, you utter bastards.

There I was, happily walking to work and enjoying the double chocolate-chip goodness of my breakfast cookie treat, when suddenly Helen starts talking about mouth-to-anus films.

I haven’t been able to look at a double choc-chip biscuit OR get that horrible image out of my head since, and I can’t even listen to the podcast in case Helen strays from her usual topics of classical education and word games and starts dissecting Two Girls one Cup instead.

So answer me this: how the fuckety balls do I get the image of a human centipede out of my head? Is a lobotomy really the only way?

Fortunately, Kat, we have found another way. Stare for long enough at this cheerful chap, and all thoughts of horrible mouth-stitched-to-anus-until-everyone-chokes-on-faeces movies will be banished from your mind.

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run for your Rolex!

March 31, 2010

** Click here for Episode 128 **

Apparently there were more errata than usual in Episode 128, which obviously is a real blow to our status as power-Googlers. Let’s get to it. First up to the Plate of Sorrow is James from London, who warms up with an earlier gripe first:

My love for your podcast turned to anger and rage two weeks ago when you answered, or rather, attempted to answer the question: do people really buy expensive things such as a £5,000 watch from the airport.

You missed the two critical words that describe airport shopping: DUTY FREE. Therefore, when people of limited means such as myself see a lovely watch in Harrods priced at £5,875, and think, if only there was a cheaper way to get that, we book a weekend in New York and whilst waiting for the flight to depart, nip into Harrods and buy the choice watch at a bargain price.

Have you been sniffing glue, James? Firstly, the weekend in New York surely costs more than the savings on the watch; and anyway, the only things which count as a bargain when they cost over £5K are houses or racing elephants. Go on then, unleash part 2 of your wrath:

A week later, you suggested that the distance of a Marathon is distance run by Pheidippides from the Battle of Marathon to Athens. Google Maps calculates this as 22.6 miles (although there may have been a different route available at the time) but in any event, this run was only recorded by Herodotus who wasn’t born until six years after the battle ended.

The reason that the route is 26 miles and 385 yards is because this is the distance between the starting line at Windsor Castle and the finishing line at the newly built White City Stadium during the Marathon of the 1908 Olympic Games.

Approximately 30000000 of you wrote in to tell us this, citing Wikipedia and QI as witnesses for the prosecution. Now, let’s not get wound up with the accuracy of those sources [although: ahem!]. This is a tug of love, people. Whom do you love more, AMT! or QI and Wikipedia? Huh? Huh???

OK, don’t answer that. We don’t want you to see us cry. Let’s enjoy some more criticism instead. Nathan, formerly of Tunbridge Wells, now of London, says:

As an ex-Tunbridge Well-ian like Helen, I wanted to point out an error in your last podcast.

There is a bowling alley in Tunbridge Wells and there has been for at least a decade, in the North Farm Industrial Estate, besides the large Odeon. I remember watching The Matrix there when I was on my year out so it must have been built pre-2000, the Odeon that is.

Thankyou for that, Nathan; now I know that if I ever have to go back to my hometown, I’m assured of a cracking night out on the industrial estate. Why did I not think before to go there for my leisure enjoyments? Idiot Zaltzman! Although like any true Tunbridge Wells native, I know that anything built in the town after 1898 officially DOES NOT EXIST.

Let’s cheer ourselves up with this from Mike in London:

Following a listener’s recommendation I have started playing “Answer Me That” with my year 1 class. If they can ask me a question I can’t answer they get a sticker (they love stickers).

I told my school’s other year 1 teacher about this game and now she had adopted it. I soon envisage “Answer Me That” becoming part of the standard school curriculum.

That would be an election pledge we would love to see. By the end of the year, all primary school teachers in the land would be a super-race of question-answerers!

And finally, a few words from Lorraine:

In a recent episode you discussed mood rings. It might be of benefit for Martin to buy Helen a mood ring as it will help him better judge her mood. If she’s in a good mood it will turn green, and if she’s in a bad mood it will leave a red mark in the middle of his forehead.

Ber-bam! In both senses.

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Wrestlemania!

December 2, 2009

** Click here for Episode 119 **

Oh dear. Olly’s answer to Dean in Peterborough‘s question about wresting last week caused quite the ruckus amongst listeners, who furiously wrote in to correct Olly’s pronunciation of Vince McMahon, his misapprehension of The Facts, and, essentially, everything. At considerable length. First up, Mike:

The history of pro wrestling becoming fixed you gave was as fake any wrestling match!

Unfortunately you’ve bought in to the “official” history as promoted by Vince K. McMahon and the WWE. The idea that Vince J. McMahon – the current Vince’s father – was responsible for the faking of pro wrestling is utter, total bullshit.

The fixing of Pro Wrestling matches dates back the William Muldoon in the 1880s who would have men under his employment go to towns, perform matches and build up the appearance of the champion Muldoon would then come into town, draw a big crowd and beat one of his men. In January 1890 the Police Gazette magazine reported that Muldoon and Evan ‘Strangler’ Lewis had “been giving wrestling exhibitions in Philadelphia” and in 1905 the same magazine stated “nine out of ten bouts are now prearranged affairs”.

The reason for it being fake is very simple – to avoid getting injured in order to have more matches and make more money.

I’d also raise issue with the statement at the McMahon’s took wrestling into major arenas and out of ‘dirty little clubs’. Pro Wrestling had been a regular fixture at Madison Square Gardens since the 1880s and in 1908 a match between Frank Gotch and George Hackenschmidt main evented at Chicago’s Comiskey Park in front of 30,000 people.

The government regulation issue you raised was almost correct. The McMahons announced that it was fake in 1989 to avoid the athletic tax in New Jersey, but they certainly didn’t make it fake at that time.

Maximilian sees Mike’s beginner’s guide to wrestling, and raises with the following tract:

Here is a quick history of fakery in the world of wrestling.

Let me just interject here: Maximilian is fibbing.  Strap in for the duration!

Wrestling as a touring show began in the late 19th century in America and was originally distinct from the legitimate sport of catch wrestling. Carnival wrestling exhibitions would wow audiences with spectacular matches, colourful costumes and on-going feuds in much the same way as they do today. The term for the showy, fictional elements of a wrestling show, ‘kayfabe’ comes from this period. It is thought to be a contraction of the name Kaye Fabian which carnival workers would use when making a reverse charges call to loved ones at home. Upon hearing the name from the operator the person receiving the call would know the person had arrived and was safe, well and making money.

At this time though, most wrestling contests were still legitimate contests although most championship and big stakes matches were openly corrupt. The line started to blur more between these two forms after the retirement of catch wrestling legend Frank Gotch in the 1920s. With few big names in the sport, its popularity began to wane. In response to this, three wrestlers, Ed Lewis, Billy Sandow and Toots Mondt, known as the ‘Gold Dust Trio’, formed their own promotion and introduced many more showy elements from carnival wrestling into the professional wrestling world such as tag teams, distracting referees, bouncing off the ropes and of course, more pre-determined results. This is largely seen as the time when wrestling switched from mostly real to mostly ‘worked’.

Eventually this model of carnival style exhibition over legitimate contest spread to other countries like the Mexico, Canada, UK, Germany and Japan. The WWF (formally WWWF, now WWE) did indeed pioneer nationwide TV coverage of a single pro-wrestling product but then they also pioneered story lines involving incest and necrophilia and are by no means the leading lights in the great working class entertainment tradition that is professional wrestling.

It is important also to respect the distinction between the words ‘worked’ and fake. Wrestlers find the term fake offensive when applied to what they do because it implies that being suplexed or fallen on by a 25-stone man somehow doesn’t hurt. The outcome of matches is pre-determined but much of the action cannot be completely faked and performers risk their lives and their careers every time they enter the ring, injuries such as torn muscles, fractured bones, broken necks and shattered pelvises are commonplace. The term worked simply means the opponents are co-operating in creating the best possible story for that particular match and distinguishes it from a ‘shoot’ or legitimate wrestling contest.

The WWF and McMahon family can be said to have had, at best, a mixed effect on the form of entertainment they have popularised and do not require any more credit than they already have.

Thankyou, Mike and Maximilian, for that primer. I have learnt many things from it, primarily the word ‘suplexed’, and never to let Olly do research again for fear of the resultant tide of retribution.

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Ben vs. Ben

October 7, 2009

** Click here for Episode 111 **

Dearie me, we made a blunder in Episode 111, in which we answered a pair of questions from Ben from Oxford. Or so we thought, until we received the following complaint from Ben from Oxford:

After many weeks of sending questions to you, I finally heard the words ‘Ben from Oxford’ read out on the podcast. But after my brief glimpse of cyber-ecstasy, it was revealed that the question was not mine, but of another ‘Ben from Oxford’.

You read the other Ben from Oxford’s question [about doctorates], before going on to state that HE had a doctorate in question-asking, and reading out MY QUESTION about why ‘X’ means sex. But what really annoys me is that you gave him the credit!

Let us take this opportunity to apologise to Ben from Oxford for robbing him of his due questioneer glory, and to clarify that the doctorates question was asked by Ben from Oxford, whereas the X-rating question was in fact asked by Ben from Oxford. I hope we’re cool now, Bens.

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Eggy apology

May 26, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 96 **

Oh deary dear, we’ve had a Strongly-Worded Letter of Complaint arising from my allusion to ironic 1980s cookbook Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche in Episode 95:

OI! I’ve got a bone to pick with you (which in itself is an odd phrase; answer me this – where did it originate?)

But onto my point. I like football, I swear a lot and I have tattoos. In short, I am a real man.

I ALSO LIKE QUICHE.

It is not unmanliness, it is simply a lush foodstuff that goes nice with salad (which is also manly, if you omit the celery). I demand you make a public apology.

Yours
Slightly Miffed from Treorchy

Well, here’s your public apology, Slightly Miffed; and I hope you don’t get similarly riled by my reference to the culinary classic Salad Cream is for Dickwads in the forthcoming Episode 97.

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The future Queen – doing her bit.

December 10, 2008

** Click here for EPISODE 78 **

Leave it to the Away team to point out the glaring errors in our knowledge of modern British history…  Olly spent a portion of Episode 78 fantasising about the young Queen Elizabeth II doing her bit for the war effort on the tanks, and not even knowing that she would one day be crowned Fairy Princess of the West; suffice to say that, like most biopics, this misty-palmed reverie was lacking a little in the ‘factual accuracy’ department.

Fortunately, a couple of our Stateside listeners have been in touch to restore the ‘edu’ to the ‘edutainment’. Firstly, Nancy from Pennsylvania points out:

When the Queen was working on jeeps and such during the war, her father was already the King. Meaning, she knew she was going to be the Queen. Olly said that her father was not yet King when she was doing her bit. Wrong!

Peter from Chicago even shows his working (albeit relying upon the encyclopaedia equivalent of a tombola):

I checked on en.wikipedia.org, King George VI’s reign began on 11 December 1936, well before the start of World War II. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_VI_of_the_United_Kingdom)

Since his daughter Elizabeth (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II) was the granddaughter of King George V (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_V_of_the_United_Kingdom), she was a princess from the time she was born (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II#Heiress_presumptive).

She joined the WATS in 1945, and yes, she was mechanic and truck driver. (Would you say lorry driver?) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II#World_War_II)

Now THAT’s another tip-top movie plot: the young queen as a trucker!  Follow the future monach as she pluckily trundles up and down the B-roads, scratching her balls and subsisting off three fried breakfasts a day!  I’m sure one could persuade Helen Mirren to take the role again.

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Humble Pie II

February 20, 2007

* Click here for Episode 6 of Answer Me This! *

The guilt is running high at Answer Me This!, and not just because Helen and Olly are both Jews. Following last week’s hoo-ha, when Helen was Mrs Glib about the health of listener Nick and her own father in Episode 5, did we keep our big, flapping mouths in check in Episode 6?

No, we did not.

Listener Paul, hearing that the Answer Me This! question coffers needed replenishing, was kind enough to send us a big list of very good questions. We are genuinely thrilled when we receive questions from our listeners, and when someone sends us several at once, it feels like Christmas.

So how did we repay Paul in Episode 6? With teasing, fun-poking and general meanness! Instead of appropriately reading Paul’s question “Why do all girls hate me?” as a query as to why, thus far, his romances have foundered, and offering useful advice for love-finding, we chose to interpret it as indicating Paul to be a doubly incontinent neocon with a subscription to Nuts magazine and a diet of raw kitten. We then asked women who hate Paul to get in touch with us and tell us why. As it turns out, no such correspondence was forthcoming: independent sources have confirmed to us that Paul is, in fact, a fine young man and furthermore a fair hit with the ladies.

So with all the sincerity we can muster from our withered little hearts, we say: Sorry, Paul. And sorry, listeners. We promise to try to comport ourselves better in future.

And if you’re still game to do so, email us questions: answermethispodcast@googlemail.com

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Helen’s advice: a retraction

February 14, 2007

* Click here for Episode 5 of Answer Me This! *

Despite it being merely a few days old, I already have cause to regret some of the advice I gave in Episode 5.

When trusting listener Nick wrote in asking how to avoid the common cold, I suggested he simply do whatever my dad does, as in my whole life I have never known my dad to have a cold (despite him insisting on keeping our house at a temperature low enough to freeze our breath on the inside of the windows).

However I am now mired in guilt for taking Mr Zaltzman’s iron constitution for granted, as apparently he is currently laid up in codeine-fogged agony with a torn hip ligament. I know that an injury sustained while moving a massively overladen coal scuttle isn’t the same lapse in form as him succumbing to a cold, but I still feel a dereliction of responsibility.

Sorry, Dad. Sorry, Nick.

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Martin the Sound Man’s eggy web of deceit

January 24, 2007

* To listen to episode 3 of Answer Me This!, click here *

Last year, Martin the Sound Man released an EP called Tissue Of Lies.

I didn’t think the title was of any especial significance. UNTIL NOW.

You know that stuff about poached eggs that Martin was spouting in episode three? Something about how to twiddle with the ions so that the proteins do something or other? (OK, I admit my mind did wander a bit.) Remember that?

Well, we’ve had an email from a scientist called May. Her email address is ‘proteinsaredifficult’, which suggests she sure knows her stuff about proteins. She says:

The core of the protein consists of tightly packed hydrophobic residues, whereas the surface is mostly hydrophillic. Water molecules are unlikely to “break” into the protein and diffuse the egg because the residues are so tightly packed.

In translation: “What Martin said about the science behind coagulating egg-whites was a load of horseshit. And just because he has a PhD in quantum physics (which he probably BOUGHT OFF THE INTERNET anyway) doesn’t mean he knows shit about shinola. Or egg-whites.”

So, Martin, you are officially a Bad Egg and you have brought Answer Me This! into disrepute. Shame on you! Shame!!!!

Lest we get into this sort of hot water again, here’s a little advance warning: in episode 4, Olly accidentally says ‘pineapple’ when he meant ‘pumpkin’. I apologise in advance if this affects your enjoyment of his joke.

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