EPISODE 54 - I could shag a dog any day of the week

It’s triple-party-time at Answer Me This!, for this week not only holds Olly AND Martin the Sound Man’s latest birthdays, but also the first episode of the new series! So rejoice thricely by listening to Episode 54:

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And if our mouths were party poppers, flying out of them would be such streamers as:

canapés
Ruth Rendell
loyalty
Richard Bacon
Mark Curry
Paul O’Grady’s knick-knacks
tortoises vs. dogs
vanity sizing
The Thrills
the Cookie Monster
and
Nina Simone.

Plus, Olly doles out the sort of pet-care tips that can earn you a prison sentence; Helen attempts to revive the Bristol Sound, as if a third Portishead album wasn’t enough; and Martin the Sound Man messes up his Sunday best. Gosh, it’s like we’ve never been away…

It’s jolly nice of you to come back to see us after our break; it’s also jolly nice when you send us YOUR QUESTIONS for future episodes, so jolly well do that by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com calling 0208 123 5877 or Skypeing answermethis.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

PS. We’ve been gadding about on Sky News again in various guises - here are the details of our latest on-camera escapades.

PPS. Note to our non-UK listeners: Blue Peter is a magazine-format children’s TV show. (Contrary to the impression we might have given on this podcast, not every one of its presenter is named after a foodstuff.) Here’s some classic shit going down on it:

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EPISODE 53 - has anyone seen my pus water?

** If you’ve recently had problems downloading our podcast, CLICK HERE for a notice from our Technical Team **

‘Lo, listeners,

It’s been such a rip-roaring series of Answer Me This! that we can scarcely believe that it’s over… However, after all this talking we’ve been doing, we have to take a month off to have our jaws repaired at Dr Gargle’s Sanatorium For Withered Podcasters. But we’ll be back, good as new, on 15th May, and meanwhile, why not listen to Episode 53 by clicking on this player?

Oh, because you’d rather download it? Very well, then:

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Tickling one’s eardrums this week are such subjects as:

Rock Profile
lazy lazy Delia’s late-night snacks
Legally Blonde
tears of a clown (not the song)
psychiatric sandwich boards
ukulele vs. banjolele
Answer Me This! vs. paintballing
George Dawes
the Pirates of the Caribbean ride
Dave
brine
and
Sun-In.

Plus: Olly emulates Kurt Cobain; Helen becomes completely blind to innuendo; and Martin the Sound Man is busy sprinkling his magic dream-sand everywhere he goes. Not on the carpet, Martin - it’s only just been hoovered! You big sandy divvy.

Also, if you enjoyed the musical interlude from questioneer Krabbers, then visit his myspace and youtube pages for more melodic funnery. And, seeing as we’re on the subject of nice music - have you subscribed to Martin the Sound Man’s spin-off podcast yet? What are you waiting for - dispensation from the Queen? Do it!

We’ll surely miss you while we’re off the air, so keep in touch by sending YOUR QUESTIONS for the new series to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or our Question Line 0208 123 5877/Skype ID answermethis. Also, as over the course of this series you’ve sent us more excellent questions than ever - alas far too many to cover in the podcast - we’ll be tackling some of the backlog in written form, right here on this website. So do pop by every so often!

See you back here on May 14th, listeners!

Helen and Olly

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EPISODE 52 - mouthful of pubes

Stick or twist, listeners? Twist? Oh dear, it’s nine of clubs, which means you’re out. Too bad. House always wins.

Yup, it’s Episode 52 of Answer Me This!, which means that there are as many Answer Me This!es as there are cards in a pack, suggesting that Episode 53 next week will either be a joker, or that weird spare card with all the bridge values written on it. Let’s just hope it’s the former, eh? Meantime, deal yourself Episode 52 by clicking on this player:

Or download it to stick up your sleeve like some kind of a podcast-shark:

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This week we chitter-chatter about:

Susie Malin’s theories of the face
swimming pools
Batman
Princess Margaret
Floella Benjamin
pigeons by post
Des’ree
Walter Mitty
dry cleaning
Elton John’s mum
gas-mask fetishists
and
kohlrabi.

Also: Olly’s childhood crush on Michael Jackson; Helen’s pathetic excuse for an existence; and Martin the Sound Man’s inexplicable enthusiasm for fan-fiction concerning him and Olly. However if these things have left you feeling a little sullied, cleanse your soul with a spot of charity - listener Jamie just emailed us to say:

I’m running the London Marathon next Sunday on behalf of Marie Curie Cancer Care. Could you tell your listeners about my justgiving page - www.justgiving.com/jamiet? I would say that making a donation would get you a place in heaven, but as neither you or I believe in God it would be pointless.

So if you’ve got a bit to spare in the family vault, listeners, give a bit to Jamie! Frankly, none of us lardybums are ever likely to raise any money through the medium of exercise, so we’re happy to pay Jamie off to do all that unpleasant sweating and yomping in our stead.

At this very moment, there’s a man standing in the car-park round the back of Answer Me This! Towers shouting, “Answer Me! Answer Me!!!” That’s not how you get a question onto the podcast, silly! Try leaving a message on the Question Line 0208 123 5877/Skype ID answermethis, or emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Now run along and stop thumping your head against the fence, you madcap!

What a character.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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EPISODE 51 - like Supermarket Sweep, but with death

Hello there, pretties,

Many* of you have written to us in distress** to ask why Episode 50 didn’t appear on iTunes last week. We’re not quite sure - just some tiny glitch at the mighty iMothership, we gather - but it seems to be there now.
*one or two
**in a mildly irked state

Anyway, as far as we can tell there are no such problems concerning Answer Me This! Episode 51. Just click on this player:

or download:

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And this week’s discourse features such diverse elements as:
No Country for Old Men
Taco Bell
Olly’s Great Cinema Swindle
White Dwarf
Michael Winner
George and Lynne from the Sun
testosterone
boobs vs. manboobs
locksmiths
KFC hats
Green Shield Stamps
and
our dads’ underpants.

Moreover, Olly confesses to being a rotten pilfering varmint; Helen has a surprising amount in common with Axl Rose; and Martin the Sound Man teaches us all a lesson about etiquette for swingers. Ugh.

Now, in two episodes’ time we’re taking a month off, so if you’ve got a QUESTION, hurry the hell up and send it to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or our Question Line on 0208 123 5877 (Skype answermethis).

See you next week, yes? Yes!

Helen and Olly

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EPISODE 50 - filth falls from the sky

Well zipadee doodah, zipadee day - Answer Me This! turns 50 today!

We can’t believe we’ve reached a half-century; imagine, if we’d taken up a more lucrative hobby 15 months ago, such as gold-panning or selling mint-condition Dinky cars on ebay, then… Actually, let’s not think about that after all, because we don’t want to cry on this special day. Instead just hurry along and listen to old Fiddy by clicking on this playa:

Or downloading:

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And marking this momentous occasion are such topics as:

blue ice
radiation
Durham Cathedral
Selfridges
the George Foreman Grill
Skins
plumbing, Italian-style
liquitabs
the Gherkin
French kissing
Body Shop Body Butter
and
octodogs.

Plus: Olly plays with his Special Button; Helen gets Turned; and Martin the Sound Man is the very personification of a sexy jester man. But you all knew that already.

Well, I’m sure we can all agree that the first fifty Answer Me This!es have been a veritable rollercoaster of fun, so if you want to be a part of the next fifty, send us a QUESTION by calling our Question Line on 0208 123 5877, Skypeing answermethis, or emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And eeh by Lordy, we’ll be a hundred before you even know it.

Bye!

Helen and Olly

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EPISODE 49 - but who wakes up the town crier?

Please get your calculators and workbooks out, because it’s time for Episode 50 minus 1, Episode 7 times 7, Episode 40 plus 9…

Oh, why the blank faces? Come on, it’s not that hard, class! Are you all asleep? It’s EPISODE 49 of Answer Me This!, of course! Hear for yourself by clicking on the following player:

Or, if you prefer delayed gratification, download it:

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And what awaits therein? Well, such folderols as:

Bono’s stupid sunglasses
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me
Ronald McDonald
ACME, the old-fashioned Argos Online
curtains
curls vs. combs
circadian rhythms
cockerels
and
the
Coxsackie virus.

Also, Olly sticks his spectacles where the sun don’t shine, Helen calls upon her dad to answer one of the greatest mysteries of our times, and Martin the Sound Man gets no love from the Philippines. So if you’re from the Philippines and you want to send Martin a little consoling love-note - or if you’re from anywhere and want to send us a question - then email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or call our Question Line by dialling 0208 123 5877 or typing answermethis into Skype.

In other news, we’re having some issues with our bandwidth and have therefore had to bench half our old episodes temporarily. But if for whatever madcap reason you are desperate to hear them, you still can via our Archive Jukebox. It isn’t as snazzy as a Wurlitzer, but it’ll do for now.

See you next week, for Episode 50! Blimey!

Love,

Helen and Olly

PS. Both Helen and Olly are on Sky News next week, Helen on Tuesday at 11.30pm, Olly on Wednesday at the same time. Tune in, if it’s not past your bedtime!

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EPISODE 48 - oh shit, I’m married to Ted Bundy

Yo there, champs,

After tackling a question in Episode 48 concerning Young Einstein, we found ourselves wondering: whatever happened to its splendidly-named star/director/producer/writer, Yahoo Serious? It’s a whole twenty years since that magnificent film came out, and yet Mr Serious’s CV has been looking rather sparse of late. Perhaps a clue to his recent whereabouts lies in this nugget from IMDB:

Some news reports have confused Yahoo Serious, whose real name is Greg Pead, with the antiques dealer in Sydney named Greg Pead who accused the former Royal butler Paul Burrell of having an affair with him in the 1980s. The two are not the same person nor are they related.

Frankly, the prospect of being confused with someone who actually WANTS people to know he romanced Paul Burrell would be enough to send anyone into hiding for as long as the world’s supply of tinned food can keep them.

But what to listen to while you’re hiding in a remote cave while your reputation is ruined by a former-butler-fancier? Why, Answer Me This! Episode 48, naturellement!

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And keeping old Yahoo company this week are topics including:

the Essex University bunny cull
homophones
stereotypical students
old-fashioned romance
My Super-Sweet 16
John Candy
sorbitol
regal philately
2 Unlimited
weapons of mass destruction
and
Ruth Badger.

Plus, Olly looks an umbrella-bearing gift-horse in the mouth; Helen releases her girly side; and, if you thought Martin the Sound Man’s beatboxing sucked, wait till you hear his attempts at techno.

Many thanks to all of you who’ve sent us QUESTIONS; and if YOU want to follow their example, get in touch via our Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. There’s a dear.

See you next week, for Episode 49!

Love,

Helen and Olly

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EPISODE 47 - cock on toast

Hello there, dear people!

We fervently hope none of you were squished in the earthquake that shook the UK the other night. And that your favourite mug didn’t fall off the shelf or anything. We were very touched to receive the following email from Matthew in New Jersey, USA:

I’ve just seen on BBC there was an earthquake in UK. Helen and Olly and Martin the Soundman answer me this: ARE YOU OKAY?! I will refresh my itunes constantly as I nervously await your reply.

Bless you, Matthew. Although we were very confused when the sofa started trembling beneath us, all three of us are fine, and hence in fine fettle to bring you Answer Me This! Episode 47:

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Shaking our foundations this week are such topics as:

Absolute Balderdash
the real Cliff Richard
sharia law
Connect 4
Dr Ruth
Sylvester Stallone vs. Sylvester Stallone
Jesus vs. The Colonel
Lauren Bacall and Kathleen Turner vs. the ageing process
bucks vs. books
Aretha Franklin’s boobs
and
Bostonian trends of the 19th century.

Furthermore, Olly gets browned off, Helen gets dirty, and Martin the Sound Man gives the lowdown on the new Mariah Carey album.

As we’re still rather behind in answering all the lovely QUESTIONS you’ve been sending us, we’ll be responding to some of them on this very website in the coming days and weeks. But do not be deterred from sending us yet more! You can call our Question Line 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis, or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, and consider it Doing Your Bit.

‘Til next week, bye!

Helen and Olly

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EPISODE 45 - tears contain urea

Happy Valentine’s Day, listeners! We are, as per usual, feeling approximately as romantical as a potato waffle; but our former-English-student brains are pleased to discover that the whole thing was made up by Chaucer anyway. What a merry prankster. Those medieval poets were the Punk’d of their day.

Anyway, ain’t no trick to say that Episode 45 of Answer Me This! is waiting in its corsage and best frock for you to take it out for a spin, so don’t keep it waiting - click on the player:

Or show it some love by downloading:

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And cluttering up the place like a three-feet-high teddy bear holding a loveheart are topics including:

crocodile tears
cut-price chocolate
the Norman Conquest
the secret lives of Michael Portillo and Diane Abbott
this fool
scampi’n'lemon Nik Naks
Jimmy Nail
Pudding Norton
jewfros
Judy Garland vs. Eva Cassidy
and
halitosis.

Plus, Helen reveals her youthful experiments with acid, Olly warns of his German singing doppelganger, and poor old Martin the Sound Man’s got a bad back. So, if any of you know a good osteopath, then hurry up and get in touch by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or calling our Question Line 0208 123 5877 (Skype ID answermethis). Which are also the appropriate means via which to send YOUR QUESTIONS, even if you haven’t got any information to impart about backs, bad, Sexy or otherwise.

Until next week, bye!

Helen and Olly

PS.If you’re keen to hear a bit more from Olly this week, and see his face at the same time, then be sure to catch him on Sky News at 7.30pm on Tuesday 19th February.

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EPISODE 44 - penguin mania is sweeping the nation

Well, listeners. It’s taken forty-four episodes, but it’s finally happened. What do you mean, what do we mean? Not us finally infiltrating the UK iTunes Top 10 (although that has happened!); not us at last giving our views on estate agents (although that has happened too!); but Martin the Sound Man getting his own podcast. Fortunately it’s not an Answer Me This! spin-off in which he only fields questions about physics or microphones, but a monthly showcase for the pretty music he makes in his spare time as one-man band The Sound of the Ladies. Download it via www.thesoundoftheladies.com, or subscribe via iTunes.

But fear not, Martin the Sound Fans: despite having gone a bit Artsy he’s still gracing Answer Me This!, as you will see if you listen to EPISODE 44 via this player:

Or even if you download it:
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This week we’re getting all talky about such topics as:

the Nokia theme
battle-dress
wanky house-floggers Foxtons
exam technique
historical lies
Miss Marple
ex-council properties
burglars’ bowels
Podwatch
St Albans
and
Toys’R'Us.

Furthermore, Olly sheds light on Ladies’ Times Of The Month; Helen regrets her wasted youth; and Martin gets very very excited about the Francesinha sandwich. (Seriously, they taste much better than that particular combination of ingredients should allow.)

If YOU’VE got questions for us to answer in future episodes, call up our Question Line on 0208 123 5877, Skype us on answermethis, or email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Apologies to anyone who has indeed done this yet is angrily awaiting a response; we’ve got a bit of a question backlog at the moment, but that doesn’t stop us wanting more. More! MORE!!!!!*

See you next week, cuties!

Helen and Olly

* If YOU in fact want a bit more Helen this week, you can watch her giving her views about things and stuff on Sky News tonight at 7.30pm, or listen to her in Radio 4’s Transatlantic with Rory Bremner and Andy Zaltzman (no relation).

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EPISODE 43 - stealth gays

Big sweaty greetings to you, listeners! It’s tax return time, so if you’re busily trying to self-assess before the Inland Revenue come and break down your door at the strike of midnight on the 31st, have a listen to Episode 43 of Answer Me This! to cheer yourself up as you try to work out how to claim a wheel of brie and your mum’s birthday present as business expenses. Play on, player:

Or download on, downloader:

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Waking up the neighbours this week are such topics as:

Guylian
the Buggles
Bruce Springsteen
gay Dumbledore
Mannequin
bacteria
Buffalo Bill
Weightwatchers
Chloe from 24
Steve Lamacq
phones in the loo
and
gorgonzola.

Also, Olly rants about Lilliputian sweets, Helen suggests keeping eating and shitting separate, and Martin the Sound Man signs up to the Sound Man Foreign Exchange Program but finds the grass is not always greener.

Anyway, if YOU have got questions, let us have them! Leave them with your voice on our Question Line by dialling 0208 123 5877 or typing Skype ID answermethis, or email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, and with any luck we’ll provide a sensible and entertaining solution in a future episode.

Bye!

Helen and Olly

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EPISODE 42: bear semen and tyre marks

Howdedo, friends!

It’s the start of the Seville orange season today, so we expect you’re too busy sterilising jars and boiling up a huge saucepan of marmalade to be reading this. However we can certainly recommend listening to Episode 42 of Answer Me This! as you go; it makes preserves set better. Help yourself to the jammy goodness via this player:

Or, if you want to put it in the back of the cupboard for the next three years, download it:

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Escaping from our mouths this week are such topics as:

My Two Dads
jaffa cakes
parties
cucumbers
Sainsbury’s sturdy bags
Pepsi Max
huggable Helen
embarrassing parents
potato waffles
and
Bono

Moreover, Helen suggests an inventive recipe for Babycham, Olly rebels against Fancy Coke, and Martin the Sound Man says something gloomy about cancer and something filthy about Halfords.

That notwithstanding, there’s yet more excitement at Answer Me This! as this week Helen and Olly made their joint TV debut on Sky News, talking about their Luxembourg jape (probably the first time Luxembourg’s made it onto the news in quite a while). So if YOU want to book Helen and Olly to talk about a thing on your TV show or at your bar mitzvah, or to cut the ribbon at the opening of a branch of Londis, then GET IN TOUCH via our Question Line 0208 123 5877 or answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. They’ll even bring their own scissors.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

PS. For all the people who’ve been asking where we got the Answer Me This bags we’re sporting in the Luxembourg film: have a browse in our Superstore.

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