***WARNING: This episode contains spoilers
about the 1994 Coen brothers film
The Hudsucker Proxy***

Undaunted? Then by all means listen on, but don’t complain to us when you get to the 19th minute and discover that 15-year-old plot twist:

This week we bang on about:

Philip Larkin’s debut novel
the three second rule
Tom of Finland
Sir Patrick Mayhew
Jason and the Argonauts
Lorraine Kelly, record-breaker
Stephen Fry’s Paperweight
Sir Menzies Campbell
Rick Witter
the Milton Keynes Snow Dome
Vince McMahon
Porthos
urethral openings
raw chicken
Brewster’s Millions
and
travelators.

Also: how Olly breaks wind stealthily; how Helen’s congenital squint ruined Up for her; and how bananas work, according to Martin the Sound Man. You’d been wondering for years what secrets those little bastards were concealing, hadn’t you?

As ever we’re greedy for YOUR QUESTIONS, so ask ask ask via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. We’re very grateful to all of you who shared your stupid nicknames last week – which everyone else can enjoy here; this week, you have the easy task of leaving a comment with your answer to Jorge from Mexico’s question, telling us what you would like to do for one day and one day only. Nothing too blue, please; the shock could kill us.

Also, if you are planning on doing any pre-Christmas Amazon orders, would you be a tremendous dear and log onto their site via this link first? Your Amazonian shopping experience will be 100% the same; however we will then get approx. £0.0000001, which we can put towards a new microphone, or the high-class courtesan we’ve been saving up for. Much obliged to you.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for Episode 118 **

When we hear the phrase ‘liquid lunch’ we think of a wholesome plate of gin, or miso soup. Chris in New Zealand may have other ideas:

(there is no background story to this question and I’m straight as the direction of a light photon)
so answer me this: does sperm have any nutritional value?

Apparently it does; but remember Chris: everything in moderation.

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** Click here for Episode 118 **

You remember Episode 115, right? In which we talked about Mexican Waves? Well, Doug from Leicester certainly does:

I remember well (literally) dragged by my then girlfriend to the Royal Albert Hall to see Enrique Iglesias in 2004, and about halfway through he asked us all to get waving, Mexico style. Well, we did, but the Albert Hall isn’t as huge as Wembley, plus it’s got a massive fucking stage in the middle of one wall, so it really was more of a Mexican petering-out as the wave waved round a bit, then stopped stage left, and then started up again stage right in four places at four different times, before we all got bored and sat down again. It was my personal highlight of two interminable hours as 5,000 women of a certain age waited for him to sing ‘Hero’ to sublimate the pain of their own insignificant lives.

So answer me this: what is the most inappropriate or unimpressive place you’ve ever seen a Mexican Wave?

Go on, readers – tell us about all your lacklustre or misbegotten Mexican Waves in a comment on this post. I’ll start: Grandad’s funeral.

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Look, we know that ALL of you are in too great a tizzy about the impending release of the new Twilight film to concentrate on Answer Me This! Episode 118, but try. Just for us. Even though we’re not all sparkly and bouffant:

This week we speak of:

Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey
Smeg fridges
the True Blood theme tune
Helen’s dad vs. Peter Pan
the colour of Jesus
Lois Duncan
stupid terrorists
Dermot O’Leary
Red Dwarf
and
fun things to do in Birmingham (UK, not Alabama).

Additionally, Olly dreams of walking through a sewer with Dan Ackroyd and a Ninja Turtle; Helen swoons over a Come Dine With Me contestant who seems to have OCD and too few hobbies; and Martin the Sound Man brings up The Master and Margarita as casually as Helen’s baby nephew brings up his lunch. Just in case you were wondering, he is THE CLEVEREST MAN IN THE WORLD. Try to forget it. He won’t let you.

Please, as ever, send in YOUR QUESTIONS – via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877 – and if you want to tell us about your funny or far-fetched nickname like Smeg did this week, please do so in a comment upon this post. But it has to be a good one, OK? “My name’s David but my friends call me Dave” will not cut it! You’re competing against an adult man named Smeg, remember.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for Episode 117 **

Lock up Prince Philip, it’s time to continue the latest AMT trend, ‘Is that phrase racist, or just delightfully old-fashioned?’ Carol from Leeds enters the fray:

You guys were wondering if the Chinese had any sort of derogatory phases to referring to the whites. We call you guys ghosts, though I don’t think it’s meant to be that derogatory, it’s just referring to your pale skin? I grew up listening to people around me saying it and never thought it was racist. To be honest I wasn’t even aware that there was any hidden meaning, I thought it was just what we call white people, though maybe I was a racist child and grew up to be an old racist? All my friends are Caucasian, even though I don’t have many friends. Hahaha, it’s funny because it’s true. Hope this helps.

Here’s another expression from which it is probably sensible to refrain, courtesy of Jude from Shipley near Bradford:

I’m just listening to Episode 117 and you mentioned a westernised Chinese person is called a banana. The equivalent to this for black people is a coconut.

I want to apologise that I’m continuing your ‘is it racist’ thread.

Don’t blame yourself, Jude. We did ask.

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** Click here for Episode 117 **

Ed from Leicestershire has kindly written in to help Rick from East Dulwich through the intricacies of cruisewear, as broached in Episode 117:

Please can you tell Rich from East Dulwich that I went on a cruise about 1 month ago, and yes you do normally have to dress up and if you go on some certain cruises you get your picture taken on the first day which you have to look your best and it’s quite a smooth sail because it is soooo big and you have to make the classic excursion trip joke: is it an expensive sleep after being on the booze till half past 2 in the morning

Write that one down, Rick, and pop it in your evening jacket. Although judging by the tale of Megan in Surrey, perhaps you should just stay at home:

I recently got back from a shitty cruise with my shitty parents so just wanted to warn the guy worrying about his dinner suit not to lose any sleep because most people make no effort at all on gala evenings. Anyway, my parents complained about my obscene language when I was asleep in our shared cabin which I found extremely amusing (I woke them up screaming that I was “fucking stuck” in my bed and that I was “bloody scared” etc mega lol!!) so Helen answer me this: why do people talk in their sleep?

It’s probably caused by the stress of being trapped in a floating Butlins with your parents and several hundred retirees who wouldn’t hesitate to trample upon your tender young head in their rush to get to the lifeboats, or to the elevenses buffet.

Cheer up, Rick. Contrary to what our beloved listeners above might say, cruises look super-fun in the movies! Ok, NOT Titanic. Or A Night To Remember. Or Death on the Nile. Or that episode of Columbo where Robert Vaughn murders the lounge singer and tries to pin it on Dean Stockwell. But if you need persuading to don a smart suit and hop aboard, this might help:

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** Click here for Episode 117 **

More of you have piped up about your famousest ancestors, inspired by Jack from Leeds in Episode 116. James says:

My most famous ancestor is my great auntie Margaret Maughan. She was the first Briton to win a gold medal in the Paralympics at the very first competition in Rome 1960. Her gold medal was in archery and I believe she is a great role to model to future Paralympic athletes and deserves recognition for her achievement. Here is a link in case you don’t believe me. Unfortunately I have never been able to meet her and so have never been able to express my gratitude towards her achievements.

That’s definitely a good one. See if you can top it, Tom from Rutland:

I dug around and found out that:
1. my grandmother’s milkman was Sean Connery;
2. my great-something uncle was Buster Edwards from the great train robbery, he even had a film made about him!!!

Tom has saved the best for last, though:

3. My aunt was in the training team for the mice, horse and ducks in Babe!

Bam! My mum baked the loaves of bread that were featured on the labels of Ruddles beer in the early 1990s, but Tom and James’s familial claims to fame have totally trounced that! But if any of you can outdo them, comment below.

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Hail, fellows,

At the time of writing, two urban foxes are noisily copulating outside AMT Towers. It really is the most unheavenly sound. Hopefully Answer Me This! Episode 117 is rather kinder to the ear:

Today we talk of:

the Ban The Bang campaign
book tokens
war memorials
Subway flouting ancient Jewish food laws
bananas
The Shadow Of The Wind
FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL
Sir Walter Scott
coloured bow ties
poor nervy birds
and
pineapples up the arse.

Plus: Olly offends Andrew Lincoln but stands up for the meerkats; Helen exposes her brother’s audacious present-recycling tricks; and Martin the Sound Man tries out his common touch, but fails to convince. C-, Martin!

As ever, we want YOUR QUESTIONS via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877; and this week we would also like you to comment upon this post with your top tips for godparents (are you one? Do you have one? And aside from the obligatory birthday tenner, have you ever actually been deployed in active godparental service?). Alternatively, you can share stories of the worst present you have ever given, in an attempt to amuse us whilst assuaging the guilt that will NEVER LEAVE YOU. Win-win.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for Episode 116 **

A few of you have actually written in to complain that we’re no longer swearing enough for your liking, and that this must be symptomatic of us selling out or going soft. We assure you, this is not the case. We have merely passed the foul-mouthed baton onto you lot instead, as illustrated by the following charming stories inspired by Simon from Oxford’s question in Episode 114. Like proud parents, we present the progress of Jim from Tewkesbury:

I’m a regular sort of middle-class guy from a regular sort of middle-class area. I have a regular sort of office job, with regular sorts of colleagues. I have invested many hours crafting a veneer of respectability through working diligently with a polite and helpful attitude.

Following a recent constitutional along the prom whilst listening to your recordings, I found myself with a powerful new tool at my disposal, and the next day I used it to devastating effect with no thought for the consequences. I started an argument with a colleague just so I could deliver the premeditated closing line, “When can I fuck your mum again?” My victim was shocked beyond my wildest hopes.

Well done, Jim, you obtuse-minded cussbox. Let’s see how Steve from Cheltenham compares:

This Sunday my girlfriend and I drove past several lone magpies, which we consider to be bad luck. We both salute the magpies and wish that their wife and child were well, which is supposed to break the curse.

p.s. the guy that first told me that magpies were bad luck (when I was about 14) he drowned, which fucked his day up a treat.

I think we’ve all learnt something from this; I’m just not sure what.

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** Click here for Episode 116 **

Much like a doughnut itself, the discussion of doughnut holes begun in Episode 112 appears to have no end. Still no word from Johnny Ball regarding the veracity of his doughnut ‘knowledge’, so instead we present to you this clip, thanks to listener Lewis:

Nothing further, your honour.

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** Click here for Episode 116 **

In Episode 114, Olly revealed he can no longer eat even small quantities of cinnamon without suffering a gag reflex, because he and his friend Mr Will Brown recently undertook the ‘Cinnamon Challenge’ – a YouTube meme in which self-hating stupidity-junkies attempt to swallow a whole heaped teaspoon of pure ground cinnamon. For Fun.

Now, following popular demand, we are pleased to reveal the evidence, lovingly caught on camera by Answer Me This! jingle-voice Tom Price. Enjoy:

Let Olly’s fate be a lesson to you all: cinnamon is not to be taken neat.

(But, for those who fancy a bit more Friday Fun, more of our favourite examples of this particular phenomenon can be found here, here and here. Hee Hee!)

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Oh dearie dear. Our coverage in Episode 115 of Reggie’s epilepsy dog/girlfriend dilemma seems to have resulted in a resolution – but not a happy one. You lot voted, while Reggie’s girlfriend voted with her feet. Commiserations, Reggie, although you’ve still got the cat to comfort you, eh?

Anyway, let’s hope that we don’t destroy any more relationships in Answer Me This! Episode 116:

Wherein we discuss:

Tesco Finest creamy fish pie
Hugh Laurie’s face trumpet
our Helge Rubinstein campaign
Maidstone
Stingy Jack
things to do in Rye
Russell Howard vs. William Hague
salmonella
politicised Peter’s Friends
freestanding baths
Bliss Magazine
Harry Potter
and
the world’s grossest bikini.

Plus: Olly has a novel method of keeping those trick-or-treaters away; Helen blurts out the Sensational Secret that her family revealed just 29 1/2 years ago; and Martin the Sound Man sets a challenge for the Olympic Committee. He’s got pluck, it’s true.

As well as sending us YOUR QUESTIONS – which you can do by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or voicemailing Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877 – this week we also want to hear your stories of your finest ancestors and your own best moments of fame. Dazzle us all by posting a comment below!

Over and out,

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for Episode 115 **

We at Answer Me This! were rather underimpressed by this year’s display of Halloween garments. Given a one-night-only opportunity to walk around in public wearing absolutely anything, 90% of Londoners chose to dress up as slags! And most of the other 10% just sprinkled a bit of fake blood onto a shirt and called that a costume. NO NO NO! Fancy dress requires effort and/or ingenuity. And now, please lend yours to Christine from San Diego:

I have been invited to a friend’s 23rd birthday and the theme is “Jews and Booze”. I am completely confused and stumped by this theme. The birthday boy is Jewish, but also a fun-loving party animal, so I guess the theme is appropriate, but what do you wear to seem Jewish-themed and yet pretty? Yarmulkes? Star of David-printed hotpants? Do you have any sensible suggestions? I am severely lacking in knowledge of what to wear to a fancy dress party and of Jewish culture and I need help! I have nightmares that I will show up as a female Nazi in the mode of Prince Harry and ruin the party.

Readers, please put your Jews and Booze suggestions in a comment below! We recommend suiting up as King Herod with a cocktail umbrella sticking out of your collar.

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Hello hello hello!

Contrary to what we said last week about releasing Episode 115 a day late, here we are, on Thursday, with Episode 115 ready to go! Don’t believe us? The evidence awaits your ears:

Paving this week’s boulevard of broken brains are such topics as:

Antoni Gaudí
Wembley stadium
pre-Photoshop trickery
ancient nail-varnish
Durham Cathedral
war games
the Crystal Palace Museum
Fabric vs. fabric
prostitution vs. rental contracts
and
Chapel Carter.

Plus: Olly gives his Top Tips for bloggers; Helen gives her Top Tips for staying awake at Coldplay concerts; and Martin the Sound Man pretends to know about football, confuses Brazil and Mexico, and generally undoes all the good work he’d put in to convincing us all that he’s clever.

As usual, we’re hungry for YOUR QUESTIONS, which you can email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave as a voicemail on Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877; but we also really need your help in determining what this week’s final questioneer Reggie should do about his epilepsy/girlfriend/cat/overpriced dog problem. Listen, then please vote:

We’re sure Reggie will appreciate it, and that his girlfriend probably won’t. But hey, democracy can’t please everyone all of the time.

See you next week, lovelies!

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for Episode 114 **

In Episode 113 James from Portishead asked for advice about games to play at his daughter’s 7th birthday party. He should NOT play this game suggested by Andy from Swindon:

I used to work at a summer camp for kids and one of the people I was working with brought in a book of kids’ party games. Hidden among the usual favourites was a game called spankity spank. The rules of the game are as follows:

PS we kept our clothes on before Olly assumes that this is some kind of readers’ wives confession and the start of an orgy.

I thought this was inappropriate for a child at a party, but Andy from Swindon, you have scooped the win.

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** Click here for Episode 114 **

It’s the question that has been keeping us awake ever since Episode 112, but sweet merciful Jesus has delivered Joanna in Southam to us to vanquish the mystery and, at last, lay our minds at rest:

I, as a previous backward blazer wearing school girl believe I can answer this question.

1) Basically we don’t want to wear them as they don’t fit well/are unflattering/it’s not cool.
2) However we are cold so need to hold them up to cover our fronts to keep us warm.
3) This also pleases our parents as it keeps them off the floor.

So there we go. Next week: why do they roll their sleeves up in Miami Vice?

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What the Jazzy Jeff is going on with Answer Me This! Episode 114? It’s all full of SPORT! Bloody sport! Golf, boxing, Formula 1 AND the Cinnamon Challenge. We feel like traitors to our own podcast.

Thankfully, there’s less jocktacular business too, such as:

scurvy (again)
bridge rolls
Helge Rubinstein
Napoleon Dynamite
Acton bowling alley
Wanted
Johnny Ball Reveals All
butter vs. Banoffee Pie
Sean Kingston vs. Sean Paul
D.H. Lawrence
James McAvoy
and
the band Clock.

Plus: Olly suggests Angelina Jolie is ‘a bloke with tits, really’ AND manages to compare Cheryl Cole to a golf ball; Helen hopes that Auntie Tarantula isn’t listening to this episode; and Martin the Sound Man breaks the embargo on talking about balls, earning him 14 hours on the naughty step. Will he never learn?

Unfortunately Episode 115 will be out one day late next week; but if you need something to tide you over Thursday, perhaps this tract upon the benefits of dimples to the trajectory of golf balls, this will help. (I’m sure you’ll understand why we kept it brief in the podcast – laminar flow diagrams don’t come across so well in audio.) And you can help tide us over with YOUR QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

See you next Friday!

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for Episode 113 **

Here’s a question from Sarah:

I’m hoping that you guys are booze connoisseurs…

Sarah has evidently not heard the episode in which the AMT! Team’s favourite grown-up drink is a mug of hot Ribena with brandy.

…because I need some help. In a couple weeks my friend is turning 17, and she’s never had anything other than church wine [LAME], so my best friend Tyler and I are planning on getting her mildly trashed.

What can we buy that’s fun, tastes okay [enough so that it wont scare her away from drinking forever], but will get the job done?

Obviously we cannot answer this question because underage drinking is of course ILLEGAL. But if you have a suggestion for what refreshment the young lady might enjoy in a year’s time, then please put it in a comment below!

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Hello listeners,

Don your special silly-specs, because now, in INCREDIBLE 3D and GLORIOUS TECHNICOLOUR, it’s Answer Me This! Episode 113:

Oh alright, it doesn’t look any different to our other episodes, but it definitely sounds different, for unlike all those other weeks, this week we’re talking about:

Veronica Mars
Sylvia Plath
musical chairs
Almost Famous
Priscilla Presley
Shakespeare’s Globe
Sharon Osbourne vs. Robert Mugabe
Time Out vs. the rest of the world
a ‘Janet Jackson-style mic’
Granny’s Garden
and
Rebecca Ritters.

Plus: Olly takes a trip down Memory Lane to the days of Lycos and Geocities; Helen proves to be not very ladylike in the bedroom; and Martin the Sound Man uses an expression that should probably get him put on some sort of register. We also reveal just how rock’n'roll we really are. Although I think you know already. More Horlicks than Hendrix, alas.

Now, like squirrels gathering a large supply of hazelnuts to get through the winter, we want to stuff a tree-trunk full of your QUESTIONS to see us right through to spring. So please email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

And do chip in with your suggestions as to the best party games: leave a comment below, and in due course this blog post will become Party Central. Minus the Twiglets.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

PS: A madly-skilled young lady disproves Olly’s statement that you can’t play a pop song on a ukulele without sounding like you’re taking the piss:

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** Click here for Episode 112 **

It’s Halloween soonish, and AMT! pal Brendy from Pappy’s Fun Club is putting on a special scary show which we thought you might enjoy. It’s called The Institute, and will be on at the Pleasance Islington 29th October – 1st November; it’s one of those Modern theatrical jobbies where you follow the actors around while all sorts of Things happen. Totally meta, yeah? A bit like The Man Who Knew Too Little or something.

It stars comedy princelings The Penny Dreadfuls, and you might even catch sight of Helen or Martin, who are helping out! Terrifying! Etc.

Click HERE to find out more about it, and to get tickets.

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** Click here for Episode 112 **

Oh, the shame of it.

We have caused a little problem for ‘Luxembourg’s Hottest Hausfrau’, Vanessa from Luxembourg from Episode 77, regarding her son Tom from Luxembourg, from whom we also heard in Episode 72:

As you know, my son Tom of Luxembourg fame and his dad listen to your show, however Tom has been swearing quite a lot and I fear you guys may have contributed to this.

Can you answer me this: How would you two stop an 11-year-old boy swearing?

Well, evidently we can only cause the opposite effect; so readers, any ideas?

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Goodness gracious great balls of fire, Team AMT, it’s time for Answer Me This! Episode 112:

In which we ponder:

Agatha Christie vs. depression
the regional Kriss Kross revival
modern scurvy
So I Married An Axe Murderer
fake Berocca
first date fault-finding
Theseus
Birds of a Feather
David Beckham’s squeaky voice
Gwyneth Paltrow’s greasy legs
and
calcium oxide.

Plus: Olly’s cat is a miracle cure; Helen’s got some fancy knobs (fnarr!); and Martin the Sound Man smooth-talks himself into the affections of the in-laws. NB that was in the days before he peppered his sentences with terms like ‘cunnyhouse’ and ‘jizzflappers’. We miss those innocent times.

Anyway, if you have any QUESTIONS with which to delight our foolish hearts and foolish minds, you can email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave them in voicemail form on Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. We look forward to them like we look forward to a cup of tea and a bun. That is, A LOT. Don’t you know us at all by now?

See you next week,

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for Episode 111 **

Back in Episode 110 we asked you to share your grisly stag or hen night stories, since none of us have been on a particularly rotten one. Nor has Matthew from South Africa, but he sure has heard of a good one:

A close friend of mine, we’ll call him Bob, recently told me the full reason why his uncle wasn’t invited to his stag night.

They rushed to hospital and luckily the groom survived the incident, although he spent some time in a coma and the wedding never took place.
I’m unaware of whether or not the uncle faced charges, but I would imagine so!

Um…lordy. Well, if the Prague or Dublin tourist boards ever want to return their town centres to stag-free historical pleasantness, then they should definitely give Bob’s uncle a call…

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** Click here for Episode 111 **

Call the UN – borders are being disputed! A great many of you have written to us with the following question, so it is evidently very very important:

Which armrest is yours at the cinema?

We couldn’t be arsed to devote even a second of thought to this problem have decided to throw this one out to you:

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** Click here for Episode 111 **

Here’s a bawdy tale courtesy of Rachael from Clerkenwell:

After a work trip to Amsterdam a female colleague described to my boyfriend a live sex show that she’d seen.

Answer me this: have you heard any more ludicrous words used to describe a lady’s furry front bottom than a ‘flower’?

Yes we have, but we have used more than enough whimsical genitalia euphemisms in the podcast, so it seems to me that this is one for you, readers. Got anything stranger than mimsy, flange or botticelli? Comment below!

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** Click here for Episode 111 **

Dearie me, we made a blunder in Episode 111, in which we answered a pair of questions from Ben from Oxford. Or so we thought, until we received the following complaint from Ben from Oxford:

After many weeks of sending questions to you, I finally heard the words ‘Ben from Oxford’ read out on the podcast. But after my brief glimpse of cyber-ecstasy, it was revealed that the question was not mine, but of another ‘Ben from Oxford’.

You read the other Ben from Oxford’s question [about doctorates], before going on to state that HE had a doctorate in question-asking, and reading out MY QUESTION about why ‘X’ means sex. But what really annoys me is that you gave him the credit!

Let us take this opportunity to apologise to Ben from Oxford for robbing him of his due questioneer glory, and to clarify that the doctorates question was asked by Ben from Oxford, whereas the X-rating question was in fact asked by Ben from Oxford. I hope we’re cool now, Bens.

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Salut, podcast-fans!

We must warn you, Answer Me This! Episode 111 is a wee bit smutty. We face questions about onanism, X-rated films and naughty nuns; plus Olly demonstrates why you will never want to invite him to scatter seeds in your flowerbeds. Hear it now:

In cleaner climes, we also discuss:

Mars Attacks! vs. Big Fish
crossbar vs. no crossbar
poor old Jessica Simpson
H.H. Suplee
fly-tipping
sad scenes at Streatham Station
the University of Bologna
the intergalactic Gillian McKeith
endohedrofullerines
and
Castlemaine XXXX.

Furthermore: one of Helen’s rare displays of good manners lands her in hot water; Olly reveals himself to have yet another feminine side; and Martin the Sound Man posits that being able to do stuff with teeny weeny bits of carbon is better than being able to save lives. Don’t you dare disagree with him though, or he’ll make you read his doctoral thesis from cover to cover. We gave it a go, but it wasn’t fun. However we definitely love to read your QUESTIONS, which you can ask us via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. Please please us by doing that!

See you next week,

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for Episode 110 **

Melvyn in Brighton has a problem which we certainly share, so we’re all hoping that some of you have the solution. Melvyn writes:

Please could you answer me this: do you have any funny/witty suggestions that I could write in birthday cards that are circulated around the office? I get on with everybody but not great mates. I’m getting fed up writing the same thing, Happy Birthday, have a good one or Happy Birthday, have a great day! Etc etc.

We’ve all been there, right? It’s upsetting how flimsy one’s imagination proves to be when faced with a blank corner of a workplace card. So please comment below with suggestions that everyone can recycle. And if you don’t come up with the goods, we suggest Melvyn takes to signing the cards in his own blood; even the blandest sentiment can be jazzed up in this manner.

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** Click here for Episode 110 **

Hey readers! Are any of you Arctic party animals? I don’t mean polar bears, but the kind that frequent night-spots and beatle-drives and whatever. If you are, could you help out Ryan from Woodland Park Co with his homework?

This a really random question but here goes. What is the name of the night club In Longyearbyen Svalbard?

My friend and I are doing a project for school for a brochure for any destination so we decided to do Svalbard. There’s a night club and three pubs said to be in Longyearbyen, but we can’t find their names anywhere so can you help us out please?

If you happen to know the name of any of these places, comment below – although frankly Ryan, the chances of your teacher being able/arsed to corroborate the evidence you present are so slim that you might just as well make them up. They will probably assume you invented Svalbard anyway.

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Hello, fellow lardbuckets,

Do you want to cut your calorie intake without having to reduce the amount of tasty and satisfying food you force down your gullet? This amazing new diet has nothing to do with acai berries, meal substitute shakes or laxatives. How? Find out all about Oliver Mann’s ‘Pacifies as it Satisfies’ regime for FREE by listening to Answer Me This! Episode 110:

Don’t worry; if you already possess an untubby belly and bony thighs, there’s still stuff in this podcast for you. For instance:

Pimp My Ride
meteorological gender inequality
Cernunnos
Your Five Gallants by Thomas Middleton
puffa jackets
morning glory
The Magician’s Nephew
Rice Krispie cuboids
and
Hurricane Martin.

Furthermore, Olly is a silver-tongued devil for felines; Helen invents the worst party theme ever; and Martin the Sound Man says ‘lady’s vagina’ completely unnecessarily. You’re surprised, I can tell.

As ever, please indulge us with your QUESTIONS, which you can put to us via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

Also, you can give everyone a treat by sharing your outstanding stag or hen party horror stories, because you know how we love to live vicariously and hate to get our own feet covered in sick. Stick them in a comment on this post, and maybe in a few years’ time someone will make them into a hilarious and squirm-inducing film.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for Episode 109 **

British readers, observe your homeland as reflected through the prism of foreign eyes, in this case belonging to Amber from Kansas:

I’m sure everything you know about Kansas comes from T.V., in that it is very brown here, very flat, and sometimes young women are swept away by twisters. Unfortunately, all of this is true.

So answer me this you guys: is Britain as marvelous and exciting as T.V. is telling me, or BBCA feeding me a line of, as the Brits say, “rubbish?”

Amber, it’s all true, although I must admit it’s less exciting when you get to see all those things every day. But here’s an idea: Brits, comment below with facts about Blighty that sound like they are bullshit, but are actually true. Come on, it’ll be fun. I’ll start: Amber, guess what – one of the nation’s most famous sailors now lives on top of a massive stick in the middle of a busy London square, surrounded by lions and pigeons. Crazy but true!

Now it’s your turn, false fibbers!

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** Click here for Episode 109 **

Following Nick’s detraction of canal boaters in Episode 108, we received the following lively defence from Ian:

As I live on a narrowboat, I felt Nick presented a less than fair picture of the realities of life afloat. It is a jolly and cheap way of living, particularly in the middle of London, and is very good for parties in the summer, and cosy nights by the fire in the winter. I’ve been on my present boat for four years.

The speed limit (sorry to be a boring cunt) is there to prevent damage to the reed beds on the banks, and also boats can be shifted off their moorings if they bounce about on the water (most boats are only held in place by pegs driven into the ground).

Thanks Ian! Although what has a reed bed ever done for you in return, eh? Selfish reedy bastards!

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Good morning, congregation,

It’s Thursday yet again, which means there’s a fresh episode of Answer Me This!. We say fresh. It’s Episode 109, so freshness is but a distant memory to these podcasters. Eh well, better an oak tree than an ingenue, as my mother has never said to my knowledge…

So what’s in store for you today?

The secret of eggshells
Ganesh
Space Raiders
Elizabeth Taylor
Michael Alig
Richard Marx
tinned peach aristocracy
lapdancers vs. raw pizza
Hilary Duff vs. Hilary Swank.
party dogs
party dwarves
Andy Crane
and
the correlation between Noel’s House Party and Rude Facials.

Furthermore, Olly compares Isadora Duncan to an iBook; Helen proves to be no great shakes at adage-making; and Martin the Sound Man sniffs out Joan Rivers. Not in any sort of improper way, we hasten to add.

Next week, Episode 110 will blossom forth, so get your QUESTIONS in: email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or croon them into the ear of Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. Also, place your bids for names for a potential Answer Me This! perfume range in the COMMENTS below! (Don’t worry, it will never happen. Unless we hear that Keith and the Girl or Ira Glass will be the first podcaster to bring out a fragrance and our competitive streaks overpower us and sign a three-stink deal with Coty.)

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for Episode 108 **

We’ve been in this question-answering business for quite a while now, and naturally a handful of questions come up a lot. Some of them are here. But we’ve been receiving the following one an awful lot lately, in various forms , and it’s high time to deal with it.

We know all of you who have this problem are probably suffering from it in a highly individualistic fashion, but this is approximately how it goes in each of its permutations:

I like a girl/boy in my class.
We spend all our time together.
I am 14.
Should I ask her/him out?

Now children, you know we love you. So forgive us if we seem brusque, but YES. DO IT. FOR GOD’S SAKE, DO IT! Partly because acute as the pain of rejection is, that of not knowing can last a lot bloody longer. And partly because getting this question 100 times a week is making us feel ancient and withered inside. Half our lives have passed since we felt the singular, fresh pangs of unrequited teen ardour. Or, in fact, anything. Pass the gin.

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** Click here for Episode 108 **

After last week’s mild stomach-churners, Daz from Cleethorpes has sent in an email and photos to further tax our gag reflexes. Do not scroll down if you don’t want to lose your lunch, OK? We’ve warned you. Here goes:

Last year my uncle, who lives round the corner from me in Cleethorpes, was bitten on the foot by a spider which was promptly squished flat. Bob’s foot (yes, Bob’s my uncle!) promptly swelled up, causing him to go to his GP.

The doctor didn’t believe poor Bob and told him that UK-based spiders don’t bite and are non-venomous, and prescribed Bob a course of antibiotics. Two weeks and much pain later my uncle’s leg looked like this:

WARNING! Not for the squeamish!

Click on this thumbnail to enlarge. Only, don't.

seriously, don't

Honestly, are you sick or something?

Excuse us a second while we pick our stomachs up off the floor. Ahem. Daz continues:

Helen and Olly answer me this:

P.S Uncle bob was out of hospital after about a month and his leg now looks like a massive port-wine stain.

Sorry, Daz – we can’t answer your question because we’re too busy hoovering every nook and cranny in the house, piling conkers in every corner, and constructing an arachnid-proof pod in which to sleep. But well done for sending in a question that manages to combine several different common nightmares in one: spiders, near-death experiences, and mummies’ legs.

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** Click here for Episode 108 **

So what have you kids got to say about last week’s episode?

Doug from Winnipeg, Canada writes:

I was interested to hear why seven years’ bad luck is thought to be the penalty for breaking a mirror. As the father of a family of Harry Potter fans I immediately thought that the Roman idea of seven-part broken souls must have been an inspiration to Ms. Rowling. I suspect that legal representatives for ancient Rome will be contacting her shortly requesting prompt payment of their share of book royalties.

Holy shit, Doug, are you suggesting that not all the ideas in the Pottery are entirely original? Call up Bloomsbury Books and give ‘em hell! Then call up the Roman Empire and tell them they might be on schedule for a comeback.

On a completely unrelated note, Dave asks us this:

After listening to episode 108 I too have a best man-related question. Please help.

The man I want to ask, my best friend, has also in the past had a sexual interaction with my partner. Now my partner thinks this is a little weird. What should I do?

Your lady should hardly be surprised, Dave, that best friends have something in common. But that something would more conventionally be a mutual love of Aston Villa or watercolour landscapes, not her in a state of Rudeness. Perhaps she fears improper thoughts will assault her as the three of you stand in front of the altar, and leave her the wrong sort of blushing bride. Perhaps she fears the secrets that might spill forth during his best man speech. Perhaps she knows more about him than you do and simply doesn’t want a total sexual deviant to be your best man.

Whatever the reason, we are fairly sure of two things: 1. you really don’t want to find out more about it; 2. you don’t want to be forced to choose between your best friend and your wife elect. But listeners, what do you think?

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Good morning, fellows,

Answer Me This! Episode 108 is one for the record-books! Why? Is it the world’s fastest-ever podcast? No. Is it the world’s fattest-ever podcast? Possibly… Oh, shut up. Actually, the superlative achievement we refer to is this: in today’s episode, we read out our longest-ever question. Yes! You excited? Tarry no longer:

As well as the behemoth question, we talk about:

Lady Sovereign
the Romans
cuttlefish
head ushers
pierced kidneys
Coinstar machines
sex in tents
Sinitta
Brian Wilson
Mr Bean
and
groats.

Furthermore, Olly displays a surprisingly delicate sensibility towards the bare-chested ladies of Page 3; Helen blames a broken mirror for her sub-par exam results, rather than the fact that she was too lazy to do any revision; and Martin the Sound Man will soon be auditioning for a new Best Man – mint-condition applicants ONLY, please; he’s not taking anyone else’s cast-offs.

This episode also comes with illustrations! Like Storyteller magazine – ‘ting!’ when you turn the page, etc etc – only in this case, your cue is when you hear us talking about grisly piercings, at which point you may want to view these pictures (SFW, don’t worry).

If you have any unusual body-art you feel compelled to share with us – or, preferably, you have some QUESTIONS for us, please get in touch: email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or croon them into the ear of Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. Plus if you’re a cheapskate with a bit of advice for William from Larne’s student budget, please leave it in a comment below (don’t worry, it’s totally free).

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Here are the pictures which accompany Jessii’s tale of two piercings in Episode 108.

Exhibit A: the aftermath of the arm piercing

Obviously not a particularly desirable bodily adornment, but much less grisly than we were expecting; it looks like a pair of coldy nostrils.

Exhibit B: pierced hips

Riveting!

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** Click here for Episode 107 **

We’ve had a plea for help from Alex:

One of my friends is the type of person who argues for the sake of it. He has the ability to reduce people to tears with his ignorance and petulance when arguing or even generally conversating with him.

Please can you furnish me one question that will stump him and finally let me win one argument?

Listeners, this is definitely one for you. Unleash your inner pedant, gather your strength and please add your unanswerable questions to the comments below.

PS. Although, “Why are we all here?” has yet to be solved, so Alex might do well to try that first.

PPS. According to Wikipedia and other web reference sources that are probably all quoting the same original pile of Inaccurate, the gaps between the teeth of a comb are called ‘combdrums’. Now can you two stop fighting and get on with bickering over something more useful?

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** Click here for Episode 107 **

It seems George from Redcar’s ringpull collection has captured your imaginations as well as ours – or at least that of Terry from Shropshire, who emailed us to say:

After George from Redcar’s ringpull collection in episode 106 I thought you may find this article interesting. George has enough for 10 handbags and can raise awareness about sexual health in the third world with his collection – which is rather ironic I feel for someone who collects ringpulls (sorry George).

Careful, Terry – George is just doing this for a hobby; he doesn’t want to be putting homeless Brazilians out of business. OR DOES HE? There must be some reason for the collection, and that seems no less plausible than any other we can think of.

By the way – do any of the rest of you have a similarly barmy-but-impressive collection? If so, please tell us what it is in a comment below; we promise not to mock. (Unless you are a 40-year-old man with a room full of Hello Kitty emery boards, in which case we retract that promise.)

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It’s a car-centric episode this week, as Helen tries out some technical car words, we find out what cowboys have to do with the front passenger seat, and Martin the Sound Man stands up for the innocent victims of doggers. But don’t worry, pedestrians, cyclists and pilots; there’s still more than enough material to suit you! Including stuff about canal boats. Ok? Here you go:

Aside from the aforementioned transportation flimflam, we discuss:

21 Grams vs. the Dawn of the Dead remake
Paul Merton’s mic technique
Big Bird
Cath Kidston
Al Jolson
Michael Caine’s teeth
skewering Cheryl Cole in the face
the late Pizza Piazza
Dead Set
munchkins
Worcestershire Sauce
puffer fish
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Mont Sleet
and
celebrity cocks.

Plus: Olly admits his desire for Janice the Muppet; Helen finally realises why the Zaltzman family never took holidays; and Martin’s immense knowledge about everything ever even extends to the speed limit on Britain’s inland waterways. We also give Vitamin Water the kicking it deserves. Yeah! We know you’re probably just as eager as we were to slate Vitamin Water, but if you can restrain yourself for just a mo, send us your QUESTIONS: email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or speak them to Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

Vitamin Water, schmitamin water!

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for Episode 106 **

Remember Rebecca from London’s touching phonecall in Episode 105? The four years of international romance, and now that her boyfriend has finally immigrated to the same country as her, he’s living in a town a two-hour drive away and she’s living in despair?

Well, the other side of the coin has been revealed, for Mr Rebecca, AKA Androo in Brighton, has since been in touch! He says:

I’m from The Bahamas and have just recently moved back to the UK after some problems with Immigration – I had been living in London near my amazing, special ladyfriend but recently had to move to Brighton for work.

How do I get my ladyfriend to stop getting drunk and calling popular internet podcasts to make me look like a twat?

Hide her phone? Pour her booze stash down the lav? Listeners, we hope you’re rooting for Androo and Rebecca as much as we are – so please comment below with your suggestions for resolving their less-long-distance relationship.

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** Click here for Episode 106 **

Oh happy day, Martin the Sound Fans – he’s not only just released a new episode of his Sound of the Ladies podcast, but it comes with an instructional video! Click here for both.

Also, for all of you wondering since Episode 105 whether Martin would ever realise his dream of owning a Danelectro guitar, wonder no more:

All this happiness for under £200!

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Hey, pissheads!

As the age of economic belt-tightening continues tiresomely, listener Alex from Nottingham has kindly lent us his cunning way of getting drunk on the cheap. If you want to know what his budget route to fast-track inebriation is – involves both do-gooding and personal risk! – then just bend your ear to Answer Me This! Episode 106:

And on today’s dance-card:

Brighton Pavilion
Jennifer Lopez
We Are Klang’s furniture
the asymmetry of marriage
London vs. York
Tallahassee vs. Martin’s sanity
Puritans vs. decor
Ann Widdecombe vs. the Jonas Brothers
double-barrelled surnames
the antiques of the future
Olly’s grandmother’s wallpaper
Helen’s father’s gullibility
and
the dragon in Shrek

Plus: Olly’s Big Blood Giveaway is ruined by alternative medicine; Helen is defeated by mere wallpaper; and Martin the Sound Man brings someone back from the dead, or at least wakes them up after a moderate thwack to the head. He’s a miracle-weaver! Bring your children to Answer Me This! Towers and he will bless them for £20 a head. 10% discount for two-headed babies.

Aaaanyway, if you have a problem concerning your two-headed baby, or perhaps another query of some kind, let us know! Send your QUESTIONSto answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or speak them to Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

Right, we’re off to nab the last remaining blackberries in Crystal Palace park before the birds shit on all of them, but we’ll see you next week. Bye!

Helen and Olly

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Frankly none of your interview bloopers have quite matched up to Neal from Crawley’s stump-shaking cringerama, as featured in Episode 105, but we realise that’s a tough act to follow, and we’re still very pleased you’ve shared with us your solecisms. Check them out HERE. Below are a few more that came into our inbox. Tanya from Twickenham recounts an awkward university interview:

I had to sit on what looked like a kitchen chair in the middle of a massive room. There were two interviewers, a man and a woman – the man was sitting on the far right side of the room on a very high chair like a barstool and the woman was sitting on a very low sofa on the far left side of the room.

When I left, I tripped over the rug and crashed into the door. They didn’t offer me a place.

Another university interview Fail comes from Alex from Nottingham:

I had an interview to study medicine at UEA. I took the train down and there was a death on the track ahead; I never got the details but we got an announcement that the police had made it into a crime scene as we rushed to the coach.

Later on in my interview the interviewer asked if I had any trouble getting there and I replied, “Oh not much, I came down on the train but there was a death on the track ahead.” There was an awkward pause and so I carried on, “…Which almost made me late.” I then realised this was the kind of callous thing never to say to an interviewer whose primary purpose was to analyse how caring and compassionate I was. Unsurprisingly, I did not get in.

This one from Alasdair from Austria reads more like an early-90s sitcom plot:

In 1991 as students, a friend and I went to an interview for a placement year in Wiltshire from Leicester, and it was the worst time ever. I did the normal thing and was up early and dressed smart etc., then dropped around to my friend’s house to find he had pulled the night before and was asleep with her and hungover. After an impolite and confusing rush to get him awake and help him get his clothes and car keys etc. and somehow explain to the lady that we had to go, we piled into his car and drove off.

In the end I got offered a job. My friend was still hungover of course and didn’t.

Any more for any more? No need to be shy, you’re among friends here. Share with us by commenting here, that we might all learn from your mistakes laugh at your misfortune.

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Salutations, listeners!

Today’s the start of Ramadan, so best of luck with that, Muslim listeners; we’d imagine a daylight fast would be considerably easier at a time of year when the days weren’t still so damn long, but maybe Answer Me This! Episode 105 will help take your mind off it:

Therein we talk upon the following matters:

lunch dates
Danelectro guitars
Greek GCSE (ancient, not modern)
sodium hydroxide
Noah’s ark
North Dublin
Dyson Ball
Helen’s granny’s anecdotes (granecdotes?)
evolution favouring Agatha Christie
Michael Palin
and
East Croydon.

Plus: had he not liked TV so much, Olly could have been a priest by now; Helen invites you all to take a turn in Martin the Sound Man’s beard; and Martin the Sound Man manages to analogise Girls Aloud to crisps, albeit unconvincingly.

Also, because we are Vampires feeding off the Misery and Failure of others, if you have managed to do a massive fuck-up in a job interview like Neal from Crawley, please tell us all about it by posting a comment below; and as ever, send us your QUESTIONS in the form of an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or a voice message via Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

Oh and if you’re a fan of buying stuff, you might enjoy some of our new Merch from www.cafepress.com/answermethis. If you like looking at Martin the Sound Man’s face, you might covet one of these; or if you like sitting on our faces, how about this?

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for Episode 104 **

Help us out, please, listeners! We’ve had a question from Chris from Aldershot which we can’t answer, because none of us know shit about these matters. But perhaps you do, so we put it to you:

Our son is 2, we live in a bit of a scabby area (Aldershot) but want him to attend a better school which is in Farnham.

Answer me this: At what time should we think about putting his name down for the better school in Farnham to stand a better chance of getting him in?

Any ideas, chaps? Comment below!

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** Click here for Episode 104 **

Here’s a very simple solution to Chris from Barcelona’s sleeping-in-a-hot-climate problem from Episode 104, courtesy of Janelle from New Brunswick, Canada:

I can help Chris from Barcelona with three words…KING SIZE BED!

So Chris, get to your local mattress store and INVEST!

Thanks for the tip, Janelle – you don’t happen to have shares in www.massivespanishbeds.com, do you?

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Hideho, listeners,

It’s this time of year where we find it difficult to do much beyond faffing, time-wasting and procrastinating. But fortunately we managed to rise from our couches of sloth long enough to bring out Episode 104:

Wherein we speak of:

armchair geography
the mockery of medical students
brie
Olly’s missing kidney
the Observer Food Monthly celebrity shopping-basket critiques
big bully Russia
bunk beds
Dr Gunter von Hagens
Terry Wogan
and
what Big and the army have in common.

Furthermore, Helen busts out an unexpected St Etienne cover, Olly reveals his wish to dress like a 4-year-old girl in a nativity play, and Martin the Sound Man says he hates to dent Olly’s ego although he clearly does NOT hate that AT ALL.

Our complaints department also rumbles into action, so we’d just like to reiterate that if you send us a question and it doesn’t get answered, it’s nothing personal, ok? We love you all equally! Read our FAQ to see our various excuses for not keeping up with every question you donate; keep the faith, and keep sending us your QUESTIONS in the form of an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or a voice message via Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. We can’t promise to answer, but we’ll do our best! (Although we will do our better best if you slip us a brown envelope full of tenners…)

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for EPISODE 103 **

Cast your minds back, listeners, all the way to Episode 101 and this question from Callum from Colne Engaine: “I remember seeing an album cover with something like a man with headphones on (the big ‘cans’ type) with only half of his face on the album cover. I think he may have been wearing a beanie. Do you know whose album it was?”

Well, Ben in Cardiff might:

Not 100% sure if this is correct, but it could be the cover of ‘The Sound of the Cosmos’, a 3 disc mix by Tom Middleton. He is wearing a beanie (or equivalent skull cap) and there is only half of his face on the cover, but he’s not wearing headphones. And he’s full of cosmos.

What do you reckon, Callum?

If that’s not it, maybe this from Keith in Bradford will provide you some consolation:

Hi Helen,

LOL

Indeed, a common sight around the Answer Me This! studios, although we rarely look quite so cheerful about it…

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