It’s triple-party-time at Answer Me This!, for this week not only holds Olly AND Martin the Sound Man’s latest birthdays, but also the first episode of the new series! So rejoice thricely by listening to Episode 54:

MP3 • RSS

And if our mouths were party poppers, flying out of them would be such streamers as:

canapés
Ruth Rendell
loyalty
Richard Bacon
Mark Curry
Paul O’Grady’s knick-knacks
tortoises vs. dogs
vanity sizing
The Thrills
the Cookie Monster
and
Nina Simone.

Plus, Olly doles out the sort of pet-care tips that can earn you a prison sentence; Helen attempts to revive the Bristol Sound, as if a third Portishead album wasn’t enough; and Martin the Sound Man messes up his Sunday best. Gosh, it’s like we’ve never been away…

It’s jolly nice of you to come back to see us after our break; it’s also jolly nice when you send us YOUR QUESTIONS for future episodes, so jolly well do that by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com calling 0208 123 5877 or Skypeing answermethis.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

PS. We’ve been gadding about on Sky News again in various guises - here are the details of our latest on-camera escapades.

PPS. Note to our non-UK listeners: Blue Peter is a magazine-format children’s TV show. (Contrary to the impression we might have given on this podcast, not every one of its presenter is named after a foodstuff.) Here’s some classic shit going down on it:

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Yesterday Sky News broadcast the inaugural Sky News Unplugged, their new weekly talk show presented by Martin Stanford; and, along with UFO expert Nick Pope and MP Ian Cawsey, bassist in ‘the world’s only parliamentary rock group’ MP4, we were guests on it! You can WATCH IT HERE, or download it as a podcast; and if you’re keen to see more of us talking about stuff, then check out their Technofile podcast on Monday 19th, in which we reveal our top tips for making a podcast.

We’re also cropping up frequently on Sky News’s nightly Press Preview; you can catch Olly TONIGHT at 11.30pm, and Helen TOMORROW at 11.30pm. Tune in, if you’re not too absorbed by Jools Holland.

A regularly updated list of our exciting forthcoming telly appearances etc can be found here.

The new series of Answer Me This! is mere hours away, yet there remains plenty of business still to be attended to from the previous series (yep, we’ve a bit lazy. We’ve had puzzles to complete, dammit!).

So let’s cut straight to the chase and take a look at the following email from Arianne, sent in response to Episode 51:

I’ve been amused recently by hearing about these people on your podcast who deliberately change their names to things like “Flash” and “Boom”. Unfortunately I was given at birth the middle name Storm (in addition to an already weird first name) - and bearing in mind the flak I received when I was younger and the horror that was my school years (partially thanks to the X-Men series of movies) I’m amazed that people actually choose to give themselves such names. But I suppose that when you get to adulthood names like this do seem to be more interesting to other people now they are older than they were when you were young. I don’t think people should be allowed to give themselves such “cool” sounding names once grown up without having gone through a childhood of misery first! You need to EARN it dammit!

So that’s you told, John Raspberry Clark and Eileen Flamingo Norris! Although, Arianne, you should feel a bit lucky; for if a middle name is not interesting, what’s the point of them at all? I would have much preferred mine to be something to do with weather systems, rather than just being given the moniker of whichever great-aunt had the least rubbish name. It was a pretty thin field. One of them is actually called ‘Toby’.

** Answer Me This! returns on May 15th; meanwhile click HERE to listen to the back catalogue **

We’ve received a rather distressing missive from Paul from Paengaroa in New Zealand:

I made the mistake of looking at the CNN website (I am not sure that it is truly putting a world perspective spin on news) and I was distraught to find out that they do not currently acknowledge New Zealand as part of the world. In fact they appear to have missed all of Australasia/Oceania in their Geographically named user interfaces.

This troubles me as I believe that I may now be living on a different planet as my living place is not included in the world. Please can you answer me this….has New Zealand moved to another planet?

Yikes. Is it global warming? Continental drift? Another vanishing trick by David Copperfield? Unfortunately from my sofa in Crystal Palace I’m not well-positioned to check on the current whereabouts of New Zealand; but if any of you are larking about in or near the southern Pacific, please let us know if Australasia is all present and correct so that we can put Paul’s mind at rest. Wherever it is!

** Answer Me This! returns on May 15th; meanwhile click HERE to listen to the back catalogue **

I’ve an apology and a plea to make to an unknown questioneer. The other day I was clearing our spam folder of the several hundred messages offering to ‘enlarge the thing between your legs’ (the inseam of my trousers? No thanks, it’s an entirely appropriate size already). In the brief seconds between me clicking ‘Delete Forever’ and the spams being flushed away into the internet’s sewer-pipe, I noticed a proper email nestled among the wang-embiggeners, from someone possibly called Jessica, asking a question about Ray Liotta.

But by that point it was too late, and poor Jessica(?)’s question was consigned to a purgatorial eternity along with the money-scams and Hot Rude Babes.

Jessica(?), if you’re out there, please send us your Ray Liotta question again. Or, if you know Ray Liotta-fan Jessica(?), do beseach her to email us again at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com and perhaps it’ll be not too late to make it right.

Here, as Jessica-bait, is a picture of Ray Liotta:

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** Answer Me This! returns on May 15th; meanwhile click HERE to listen to the back catalogue **

You listeners are endlessly wonderful. Not only do you send us all those questions we live to answer, but now pictures as well! Going straight onto the Answer Me This! fridge is this drawing by Alison from San Jose (click for a bigger image):

Alison writes:

As I listen to your podcast my mind makes up images of what the place you record in looks like. I decided to sketch out what I picture in my head. I have no idea if I’m right, though…what if your “recording studio” is really an old rec room or someone’s bedroom? What if you’re all just sitting around on a bed leaning over to share a computer microphone? I much prefer to picture you in a professional-type studio with fancy microphones, a laptop for quick research, and Martin in his own fancy sound booth. So Helen and Ollie, answer me this, what does your recording studio look like?

Alison, we hate to disappoint you, so let’s just say that our recording studio is even fancier than Mr Kipling’s French Fancies. It looks almost exactly like this, although you can’t quite see the 18-carat gold ceiling in this picture:

Oh, ok - our studio isn’t quite as snazzy as that one, but let’s keep Alison’s dream alive a little longer… Meanwhile, before we reveal the prosaic reality of Where The Magic Happens, if any of the rest of you feel like sending us a picture of what you think the studio looks like, we’d be quite delighted. Please email it to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, and we’ll post it up here, just like Tony Hart might have done if he hadn’t retired.

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** Answer Me This! returns on May 15th; meanwhile click HERE to listen to the back catalogue **

We may be off air for a month, but we’re still dedicated to helping you waste time. So, if you’re yearning for some pointless activity, go straight to our new Puzzle Page and have a nice doss around with our new Answer Me This! Jigsaws.

If jigsaws are not your thing, don’t worry - more sorts of games and puzzles will be added in the coming weeks, so fear not, all that nasty surplus time you’re burdened with will duly be taken care of.

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** Answer Me This! is back from holiday on 15th May; meanwhile click here to browse the back catalogue **

If you’re having trouble listening to Answer Me This! today, panic not - our hosting company’s just having a spot of bother, but we’re assured that they’ll be back up and running before your ears even have time to shout, “What the hell am I supposed to do now, eh?”

Meantime, here’s a luvverly picture of something we saw in the supermarket the other day:

** Update: 25/04: This problem now seems to be solved. Huzzah!

** Answer Me This! is back from holiday on 15th May; meanwhile click here to browse the back catalogue **

So that knackered end-of-term feeling was running high in Episode 53. Mouth was already waiting out in the car park while Brain was still packing up its gym-kit. And that, dear listeners, is how mistakes get made.

But luckily, and not for the first time, the ever-assiduous Nick has been in touch to correct my error regarding Paul in Southend’s question about adding salt to cooking water. Says Nick:

Putting salt in water raises, not lowers, the boiling point; the idea, of course, is that the water can be hotter, and thus cook your food (presumably rice or pasta) a bit quicker. And a bit saltier. Surprised Martin “Mr Scientist” didn’t pick you up on that one.

Yeah, Martin! Did you buy your doctorate off the internet? Pshaw!

Anyway, apologies for that, and thanks Nick. However the crux of my point remains true, that in order for salt to make a larger-than-infinitesimal difference to your cookery times, you would have to add so much of it that your alphabetti would be completely inedible. Not to mention that it would turn your supper into one of the greatest predators known to man! SALT KILLS, people!

Not this Salt, mind. She is, to our knowledge, perfectly innocent.

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** If you’ve recently had problems downloading our podcast, CLICK HERE for a notice from our Technical Team **

‘Lo, listeners,

It’s been such a rip-roaring series of Answer Me This! that we can scarcely believe that it’s over… However, after all this talking we’ve been doing, we have to take a month off to have our jaws repaired at Dr Gargle’s Sanatorium For Withered Podcasters. But we’ll be back, good as new, on 15th May, and meanwhile, why not listen to Episode 53 by clicking on this player?

Oh, because you’d rather download it? Very well, then:

MP3//RSS

Tickling one’s eardrums this week are such subjects as:

Rock Profile
lazy lazy Delia’s late-night snacks
Legally Blonde
tears of a clown (not the song)
psychiatric sandwich boards
ukulele vs. banjolele
Answer Me This! vs. paintballing
George Dawes
the Pirates of the Caribbean ride
Dave
brine
and
Sun-In.

Plus: Olly emulates Kurt Cobain; Helen becomes completely blind to innuendo; and Martin the Sound Man is busy sprinkling his magic dream-sand everywhere he goes. Not on the carpet, Martin - it’s only just been hoovered! You big sandy divvy.

Also, if you enjoyed the musical interlude from questioneer Krabbers, then visit his myspace and youtube pages for more melodic funnery. And, seeing as we’re on the subject of nice music - have you subscribed to Martin the Sound Man’s spin-off podcast yet? What are you waiting for - dispensation from the Queen? Do it!

We’ll surely miss you while we’re off the air, so keep in touch by sending YOUR QUESTIONS for the new series to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or our Question Line 0208 123 5877/Skype ID answermethis. Also, as over the course of this series you’ve sent us more excellent questions than ever - alas far too many to cover in the podcast - we’ll be tackling some of the backlog in written form, right here on this website. So do pop by every so often!

See you back here on May 14th, listeners!

Helen and Olly

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EPISODE 52 IS OUT TODAY! CLICK HERE TO LISTEN!

Yes, our new episode is out today, but you might not have received it in the usual way. See, our podcast has moved to a new feed. Incredibly, we were Too Popular for our old one. As Olly’s Yiddishe ancestors may have sagely commented, ‘Eh! I should have these problems!’ Etc.

Don’t worry if you don’t know what a ‘feed’ even means. Here’s all you need to know:

If you subscribe to us with iTunes:
Even though your iTunes might have been behaving oddly whilst we switched feeds (sorry about that), Episode 52 should be delivered to your Podcast Library as usual. Check. If it’s there, everything’s working fine - you’re receiving our new feed. Hurrah!

If, however, you haven’t received Episode 52 in your Podcast Library, even after refreshing, then just go to our iTunes Store page and Resubscribe. Our show’s free, so that’s no great shakes, right? Then you should see Episode 52 downloading to your Podcast Library, and you’ll get all our new episodes from now on, just like old times.

If you subscribe via RSS:
You need to subscribe to our new RSS feed. Here it is:
RSS
Presto!

If you listen/get your MP3s of our show through this website:
It’s your lucky day. None of this ‘pressing the subscribe button again’ for you! All the links on this site should work fine.

If any of you have other technical problems we haven’t covered here, do email us to let us know, and we’ll do our best to sort it out. Of course, that’s the address for non-technical problems too, like whether you should go out with that guy you like but you’re not sure if he likes you. We’re a service in so many ways.

Helen and Olly

Stick or twist, listeners? Twist? Oh dear, it’s nine of clubs, which means you’re out. Too bad. House always wins.

Yup, it’s Episode 52 of Answer Me This!, which means that there are as many Answer Me This!es as there are cards in a pack, suggesting that Episode 53 next week will either be a joker, or that weird spare card with all the bridge values written on it. Let’s just hope it’s the former, eh? Meantime, deal yourself Episode 52 by clicking on this player:

Or download it to stick up your sleeve like some kind of a podcast-shark:

MP3//RSS

This week we chitter-chatter about:

Susie Malin’s theories of the face
swimming pools
Batman
Princess Margaret
Floella Benjamin
pigeons by post
Des’ree
Walter Mitty
dry cleaning
Elton John’s mum
gas-mask fetishists
and
kohlrabi.

Also: Olly’s childhood crush on Michael Jackson; Helen’s pathetic excuse for an existence; and Martin the Sound Man’s inexplicable enthusiasm for fan-fiction concerning him and Olly. However if these things have left you feeling a little sullied, cleanse your soul with a spot of charity - listener Jamie just emailed us to say:

I’m running the London Marathon next Sunday on behalf of Marie Curie Cancer Care. Could you tell your listeners about my justgiving page - www.justgiving.com/jamiet? I would say that making a donation would get you a place in heaven, but as neither you or I believe in God it would be pointless.

So if you’ve got a bit to spare in the family vault, listeners, give a bit to Jamie! Frankly, none of us lardybums are ever likely to raise any money through the medium of exercise, so we’re happy to pay Jamie off to do all that unpleasant sweating and yomping in our stead.

At this very moment, there’s a man standing in the car-park round the back of Answer Me This! Towers shouting, “Answer Me! Answer Me!!!” That’s not how you get a question onto the podcast, silly! Try leaving a message on the Question Line 0208 123 5877/Skype ID answermethis, or emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Now run along and stop thumping your head against the fence, you madcap!

What a character.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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** Click here to listen to EPISODE 51 **

We’ve had some delightful feedback regarding Episode 50, firstly from Dr Ruth:

After hearing of Jonathon Roberts’ lamentable predisposition to eating his hair gel, I felt compelled to reply with my own version of this affliction. I work in a lab, and we use agar gel for growing bacterial colonies. I LOVE the smell of agar gel (a sort of malty aroma), although others find it repulsive. I did once try some, and although it was really quite revolting to taste, I still find myself wanting to eat it whenever I smell the damned stuff, even though I now know that it would not satisfy my taste buds!

Don’t be frightened, kids - Dr Ruth’s not snacking on some mysterious ectoplasm. Agar is a derivative of seaweed, and is used instead of gelatine in various foodstuffs, so is quite edible and non-toxic. But it’s also a laxative, so watch out, Dr Ruth!

On another Episode 50-related matter, Flash from Dublin writes:

When I heard you talk about funny places to fall asleep I just had to share mine. I was at a music festival in Japan and at some point between Primal scream and New Order my friends found me asleep on a low branch of a tree. No Idea what Happened as I usually don’t even like going uphill, never mind the effort of tree climbing!

Gosh, the amazing adventures of the somnolent Flash! However I suspect that you were trying to escape the sound of Primal Scream by stuffing your ears with bark. Even when asleep, humans’ instincts for self-preservation are remarkable.

** Click here to listen to EPISODE 51 **

Hello listeners!

We’re having a bit of a technological spring-clean this week, so if you notice anything odd, like your iTunes doing something uncharacteristic with your Answer Me This! collection, panic not. Normality shall be restored very soon. Promise!

Hello there, pretties,

Many* of you have written to us in distress** to ask why Episode 50 didn’t appear on iTunes last week. We’re not quite sure - just some tiny glitch at the mighty iMothership, we gather - but it seems to be there now.
*one or two
**in a mildly irked state

Anyway, as far as we can tell there are no such problems concerning Answer Me This! Episode 51. Just click on this player:

or download:

MP3//RSS

And this week’s discourse features such diverse elements as:
No Country for Old Men
Taco Bell
Olly’s Great Cinema Swindle
White Dwarf
Michael Winner
George and Lynne from the Sun
testosterone
boobs vs. manboobs
locksmiths
KFC hats
Green Shield Stamps
and
our dads’ underpants.

Moreover, Olly confesses to being a rotten pilfering varmint; Helen has a surprising amount in common with Axl Rose; and Martin the Sound Man teaches us all a lesson about etiquette for swingers. Ugh.

Now, in two episodes’ time we’re taking a month off, so if you’ve got a QUESTION, hurry the hell up and send it to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or our Question Line on 0208 123 5877 (Skype answermethis).

See you next week, yes? Yes!

Helen and Olly

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** Click here to listen to EPISODE 50 **

Following Episode 50 and questioneer Oli asking, “If Nintendo is a Japanese company then why is its star character (Mario) supposed to be Italian?”, several of you have written in to offer solutions to this mystery.

Luke from Birmingham suggests: “I believe that they made him Italian to match his look (hat and ‘tache). The reason they gave him the hat and the moustache was because they were easier to animate than hair and a mouth back in those days.”

Sounds plausible enough. But what of this hypothesis from JC of japanmanship.blogspot.com: “The story, which may be apocryphal, is that when Mr. Arakawa was setting up Nintendo of America they had this warehouse and when the time came to give Jumpman from Donkey Kong a name they were being hassled by their landlord, an Italian American named Mario. The plumbing angle is a mystery though.”

Hmm. The plot thickens… So let’s add a real-life Italian’s opinion to the mix, courtesy of Rachele from Naples: “I always assumed Mario and Luigi were Italian-American rather than just Italian. I don’t know why, but that’s the vibe I got…also surely the stereotypical plumber nowadays is Polish?”

Well, now we don’t know what to believe! So let’s divert ourselves with an answer to the unanswered question from Episode 49, “Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?” Take it away, Billy from Featherstone:

“The answer is that sterilising the needles makes sure that the person administering the injection doesn’t catch anything if they were to accidentally catch themselves.”

Thanks, Billy from Featherstone! It’s always a pleasure when you lot do our work for us… Also regarding Episode 49, a number of you have written in voicing your anguish at being denied Martin the Sound Man’s response to Dovy’s cribbed-off-the-internet question: “Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?”

This is what you were missing: humans are naturally curious, and if there’s a way to find out the answer to a question for themselves, they’ll do it (ie sticking their hand onto a freshly-painted fence) rather than relying upon other people. However in the case of stars, people have no practical way of testing this for themselves, so just have to take it as read.

I suppose that seems plausible, Martin, but if as you say people tend to find out the answers to questions for themselves, what the heck would we talk about in this podcast, eh?

Well zipadee doodah, zipadee day - Answer Me This! turns 50 today!

We can’t believe we’ve reached a half-century; imagine, if we’d taken up a more lucrative hobby 15 months ago, such as gold-panning or selling mint-condition Dinky cars on ebay, then… Actually, let’s not think about that after all, because we don’t want to cry on this special day. Instead just hurry along and listen to old Fiddy by clicking on this playa:

Or downloading:

MP3//RSS

And marking this momentous occasion are such topics as:

blue ice
radiation
Durham Cathedral
Selfridges
the George Foreman Grill
Skins
plumbing, Italian-style
liquitabs
the Gherkin
French kissing
Body Shop Body Butter
and
octodogs.

Plus: Olly plays with his Special Button; Helen gets Turned; and Martin the Sound Man is the very personification of a sexy jester man. But you all knew that already.

Well, I’m sure we can all agree that the first fifty Answer Me This!es have been a veritable rollercoaster of fun, so if you want to be a part of the next fifty, send us a QUESTION by calling our Question Line on 0208 123 5877, Skypeing answermethis, or emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And eeh by Lordy, we’ll be a hundred before you even know it.

Bye!

Helen and Olly

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Please get your calculators and workbooks out, because it’s time for Episode 50 minus 1, Episode 7 times 7, Episode 40 plus 9…

Oh, why the blank faces? Come on, it’s not that hard, class! Are you all asleep? It’s EPISODE 49 of Answer Me This!, of course! Hear for yourself by clicking on the following player:

Or, if you prefer delayed gratification, download it:

MP3//RSS

And what awaits therein? Well, such folderols as:

Bono’s stupid sunglasses
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me
Ronald McDonald
ACME, the old-fashioned Argos Online
curtains
curls vs. combs
circadian rhythms
cockerels
and
the
Coxsackie virus.

Also, Olly sticks his spectacles where the sun don’t shine, Helen calls upon her dad to answer one of the greatest mysteries of our times, and Martin the Sound Man gets no love from the Philippines. So if you’re from the Philippines and you want to send Martin a little consoling love-note - or if you’re from anywhere and want to send us a question - then email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or call our Question Line by dialling 0208 123 5877 or typing answermethis into Skype.

In other news, we’re having some issues with our bandwidth and have therefore had to bench half our old episodes temporarily. But if for whatever madcap reason you are desperate to hear them, you still can via our Archive Jukebox. It isn’t as snazzy as a Wurlitzer, but it’ll do for now.

See you next week, for Episode 50! Blimey!

Love,

Helen and Olly

PS. Both Helen and Olly are on Sky News next week, Helen on Tuesday at 11.30pm, Olly on Wednesday at the same time. Tune in, if it’s not past your bedtime!

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* Click HERE to listen to EPISODE 48 *

We like it very much when you listeners get in touch elaborating upon subjects in previous podcasts - even though it shows us up as being about as well informed as a pint of frogspawn. So we were delighted to receive the following email from Lewis from Kent, regarding Marie’s bashed elbow in Episode 48 and Mark’s biscuity mess in Episode 46:

I was listening to your last podcast, and I thought I might just point out that the funny bone is not actually a bone, but a collection of nerves, which is why your elbow feels numb when you bang it. Also I was just thinking about when you were discussing digestives, and their inability to fit into normal cups, but! I have a cup that fits a whole digestive! I would send a picture but at the moment I’m emailing from my iPod touch.

Lewis, I don’t suppose your big cup is by any chance the same as this one from our household? I don’t have a digestive biscuit with which to demonstrate the scale (because digestive biscuits are horrid), but this mug is almost big enough to dunk a whole grapefruit into.

However, much as I like a sizeable cup of tea, the main reason I bought this mug was because the supermarket had labelled it ‘Big Cock Mug‘. Fnarrr!

Oh, come on - why’re you all looking at me funny?

Yo there, champs,

After tackling a question in Episode 48 concerning Young Einstein, we found ourselves wondering: whatever happened to its splendidly-named star/director/producer/writer, Yahoo Serious? It’s a whole twenty years since that magnificent film came out, and yet Mr Serious’s CV has been looking rather sparse of late. Perhaps a clue to his recent whereabouts lies in this nugget from IMDB:

Some news reports have confused Yahoo Serious, whose real name is Greg Pead, with the antiques dealer in Sydney named Greg Pead who accused the former Royal butler Paul Burrell of having an affair with him in the 1980s. The two are not the same person nor are they related.

Frankly, the prospect of being confused with someone who actually WANTS people to know he romanced Paul Burrell would be enough to send anyone into hiding for as long as the world’s supply of tinned food can keep them.

But what to listen to while you’re hiding in a remote cave while your reputation is ruined by a former-butler-fancier? Why, Answer Me This! Episode 48, naturellement!

MP3//RSS

And keeping old Yahoo company this week are topics including:

the Essex University bunny cull
homophones
stereotypical students
old-fashioned romance
My Super-Sweet 16
John Candy
sorbitol
regal philately
2 Unlimited
weapons of mass destruction
and
Ruth Badger.

Plus, Olly looks an umbrella-bearing gift-horse in the mouth; Helen releases her girly side; and, if you thought Martin the Sound Man’s beatboxing sucked, wait till you hear his attempts at techno.

Many thanks to all of you who’ve sent us QUESTIONS; and if YOU want to follow their example, get in touch via our Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. There’s a dear.

See you next week, for Episode 49!

Love,

Helen and Olly

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** Click here to listen to EPISODE 47 **

Thanks ever so much to all of you who’ve been sending us questions. It has been a great treat, and very vexing for us that we haven’t been able to answer them all in the podcast. So here are a few in non-audio form, starting with one from Chris in Kansas:

In your January 9th YouTube, Helen, you were working away with knitting needles in the car. So, Helen, Please answer me this…What were you knitting?

Well spotted, Chris! Indeed I was passing the time on the way to our Amazing Adventure In Luxembourg by knitting a kangaroo for my niece’s Christmas present. It turned out something like this:

yup, I don’t know why the photos won’t publish the appropriate way round, so you’ll just have to tilt your head ninety degrees to the left. Anyway if you fancy making your own woollen beast, the pattern is in World of Knitted Toys by Kath Dalmeny.

Meanwhile, David in Maldon asks:

I want to know how come my 13-year-old daughter can spend hours getting her hair and make-up just perfect but her room always looks like an explosion that blew up a branch of Claire’s Accessories inside a New Look store. How can I make her keep her room tidy?

If bribery and pleading have thus far not worked, try taking all her possessions away. That should do it.

In other questioneering, George from London wonders:

Jaffa Cake: Cake or Biscuit?

This is a highly contentious issue, given the Jaffa Cake’s cakey texture but biscuity dimensions and appearance. However in the 1991 court case of McVitie’s vs HM Customs and Excise, Jaffa Cakes were ruled to be cakes not biscuits, on the grounds that like a cake they go hard when stale, whereas biscuits go soft. Which leads us to a question from Sean from Paris:

Why when you leave bread out does it go hard and why when you leave biscuits out do they go soft???? I have been agonising over this for years and at last the route of enlightenment may be ahead…

Get ready, Sean, for the mystery of your life to be solved! This phenomenon arises because biscuits are designed to be hard, with the moisture baked out of them; thus they have lower water content than the surrounding atmosphere, from which moisture infiltrates an uncovered biscuit, rendering it uncrunchy. In contrast, bread (likewise cake) is moister than the air, so if you neglect to use your bread-bin, the water will evaporate leaving a big bready brick.

There. We’ve all learnt something, and it’s barely even lunchtime.