** Click here for EPISODE 98 **

Great news for all you Martin the Sound Fans – you can now cut out and keep your very own Martin! Sally Grosart, who created these marvellous paper effigies of me and Olly, has also done one of Martin, right down to his home-made Sound of the Ladies t-shirt. It’s an impressive likeness:

Martin the Paper Sound Man

If you want to make your own papery Martin, click on the picture below for the full-size pattern; and do take a look at Sally’s Flickr stream for her other cardboard chaps.

Make your own Martin - less sweary than the original

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** Click here for Episode 98 **

There are some subjects which are particularly dear to us, so naturally our question-answering urges were roused by this email from Bobbie from Cincinnati:

Recently, someone asked your advice for new residents of England. Helen mentioned learning to make a proper cup of tea. Which leads me to my question.

Helen and Olly (& Martin) answer me this: what do the “Non English” do wrong when they make tea? I am a tea junkie and would love to know what makes a cup of tea rubbish.

The first problem facing you, Bobbie, is that the most popular tea in the USA is Lipton’s, which is about as likely to make a tasty cup of tea as some eczema scrapings. But assuming you can get your hands on some decent bags or leaves, there are a few useful rules for tea palatability (I will try to keep this brief, as I tend to get far too overexcited on this subject and it is not attractive):

1. Use water that is at the zenith of boilingness, otherwise the resultant tea tastes like someone has been stirring it with soapy pencils. The fresher the water the better, too.
2. Don’t prod the teabag with a sodding spoon, ok? Just leave it to steep for a few minutes! Patience is key to successful tea – which rhymes, therefore must be true.
3. Pyramid or drawstring bags are Stupid. There, I said it.

Of course everyone has their methods (some of which are pure insanity), but what better guide to a good cup of tea than The Olden Times? If the video below is anything to go by, there used to be such a job as ‘tea instructor’. They were clearly hardcore back then.

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** Click here for EPISODE 98 **

Listeners, we’re sorry to be neglecting you this month. But Martin the Sound Man isn’t – he’s just released a new episode of his musical-gigs-filmed-in-the-house, The Sound of the Ladies Lounge! And it’s a corker, featuring Martin’s new song ‘We went to the bottom of the ocean’, as well as AMT!P jingle alumnus Gavin Osborn singing his ravishing current single ‘Hello, my name is Charlie’. See:

Told you.

* For more of Martin’s music, and for previous episodes of The Sound of the Ladies Lounge, visit www.thesoundoftheladies.com.
* For more of Gavin’s music, visit www.myspace.com/gavinosborn.

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** Click here for EPISODE 98 **

Today’s the day, listeners! We have opened up the draw for tickets for our live 100th Episode at the iTunes Live Festival on 11th July. If you are a) over 14 years of age and b) a member of the Answer Me This! Facebook Fanclub, you can win a pair of them! So if you haven’t already, skedaddle over to the Fanclub and set about the entry form; the deadline’s 5pm 18th June, after which we will hold a random draw for the winners. Cos random is fair, see?

If you win a ticket, you will not only be entitled to watch AMT!P turn 100, with all the live jingles, question-answering and Martin the Sound Man’s slow jams that such a celebration entails, but also the evening’s headliner: La Roux, with support from Dan Black. And all for free! What an electropop treat.

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** Click here for EPISODE 98 **

We hope you’re enjoying our break – and that you have joined our Facebook Fanclub for the chance to win tickets to our live 100th Episode extravaganza at the iTunes Live Festival. If you have, you will find out all very soon!

Meantime, here’s a little holiday treat courtesy of artist Sally Grosart, who makes marvellous paper toys of such entertainment luminaries as the Flaming Lips, New Kids on the Block and AMT!P pals Pappy’s Fun Club. And now us!

Helen and Olly, uncharacteristically paper-thin

If you fancy making a little paper Helen and Olly to terrorise your mantelpiece, click on the thumbnail below to download the pattern; and check out Sally’s other fun papery work on her Flickr stream.

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Listeners, we’re afraid that the day has come: it’s the last episode of the series! We’re sure you can cope; you seem like an emotionally sturdy bunch. And if our absence does prove too hard to bear, check out Episodes 1-40 for another 15+ hours of our company. Or, alternatively, our Early Learning Curve will make you miss us a lot less.

Anyway, on with today’s show, which is of course Episode 98:

In which there are:

party whistles
big bands
pot pourri
Ben Folds
‘Happy Birthday’
oestrogen
the Nottingham Eye
glottal stops
Michelle Pfeiffer
TGI Friday
cat grass
and
The Ivy festivity FAIL.

Plus: in trying out the kind of etymological web-research that Helen usually does, Olly finds himself in a whole world of Rude; Helen gives some surefire tips to repel potential flatmates; and Martin the Sound Man generally behaves himself, probably distracted by the fact that he has a new live EP out and you lovely chaps can download it for FREE from thesoundoftheladies.com/music

This being Episode 98, I’m sure the mathematical among you have clocked that our 100th episode is fast approaching. Naturally, we will not be letting our passage into triple figures go unmarked, and at the end of the episode we reveal how we’re celebrating it. Our Facebook Fanclub alone will be privy to how you too can be with us for the party of the century day, so join it stat!

Other than that, please do stay in touch while we’re away by sending us your QUESTIONS for the next series: call 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And even though we’re giving our voices a rest, we’ll still be putting bits and bobs up on this website throughout our break, so do come visit; and we’ll see you back here on July 9th for Episode 99!

Love,

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for EPISODE 97 **

We’ve had a call for help from Andria from Texas (soon to be from Minnesota):

I am moving in with my fiance in a few weeks so answer me this, what advice would you give to someone who has never lived with a man (other than my dad) before? How can I make this transition smoother for both of us?

I would say you ought to remember to a) have arguments loudly enough that your neighbours can enjoy them; b) not confuse cleaning with something actually emotionally important; and c) not show too much interest in his mysterious locked cupboard, because frankly you will be much happier not knowing – it’ll either contain corpses or pornography. But readers, what would YOU say is the key to happy cohabitation? Let Andria know in a comment below!

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** Click here for EPISODE 97 **

Some questions are really too visual to be answered in an audio podcast. Others are a bit too apt to get us into trouble. This question from Sharon from Glasgow falls in both camps:

At a fancy dress party last year I dressed as Jimi Hendrix and blacked up. My friends were split between whether this is racist or not. I think I looked great. Answer me this: is blacking up racist?

p.p.s. I am definitely not racist.

Sharon in her normal state

After: is Sharon racist, or just misunderstood?

Never mind blacking up - that person next to Sharon is GREEN.

It doesn’t seem quite as wrong as the film Soul Man, but I think we should have a poll all the same:

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Greetings and salutations, listeners,

It’s been a long series and at this point we’re weary, trudging the podcast-path with just some Kendal Mint Cake and warm Lucozade to keep us going. So we’re taking a month off after next week’s episode – oh, don’t look like that! We’ll come back; we always do. And in the meantime, there’s Episode 97:

In which we speak of:

Eraserhead
kilts
acromegaly
Portmeirion
what sperm and Tony Blair have in common
Charley’s Aunt
ceilidhs
cannabinoids
toastmasters
HMP Loose Women
Matthew McConaughey
polari
and
the Evil Eye.

Also, Olly gives TMI about his urinary tract; Helen is sniffy about a psychedelic risotto; and Martin the Sound Man reveals the secret to his wisdom. It’s a real disappointment, frankly.

Before we head off on our holidays (or rather, before Olly heads off on a glorious roadtrip of the US and Helen and Martin sit tight in Crystal Palace), send us your QUESTIONS: call 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. ‘Twill give us succour during our darkest hours.

See you next week, when we will be telling you what our party plans are for our forthcoming 100th Episode, and how you can be a part of that party!

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for EPISODE 96 **

The Britain’s Got Talent final looms, and you kids are getting somewhat overwrought about it. Firstly, Mark (14):

What is all the fuss about Susan Boyle?! Yes she can sing, but why do the papers only refer to her as “Susan Boyle: the virgin” as if it’s her defining feature?

So many questions, Mark, in one brief missive. My guesses are:
a) who can resist a woman who looks like a whiskery Happy Face biscuit singing showtunes?
b) the media hardly ever get to write about virgins, so it’s a rare treat from them.

Now here’s some strong stuff from Carla from London Town:

I was watching Su Bo on YouTube do her latest performance but that Amanda Holden woman was crying which put me off the whole thing. She looks to me like one of those girls who was in the year above and enjoyed sneering at anyone who wasn’t as attractive as she was.

Is there anyone- ANYONE- A single one of your listeners who likes her? I would love to know whether there is one speck of humanity who finds her bearable.

As a BGT-ignorer, I have no opinions at all about this Holden creature, so must instead impeach you lot to share your feelings upon the erstwhile Mrs Les Dennis bearable.

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** Click here for EPISODE 96 **

We have some feedback from Episode 96, firstly courtesy of Meg from Carlisle in response to Laurence from York’s question about external news reports:

When I’m not being an Answer Me This! Listener (and sometimes when I am), I am a hot young journo very much like Lois Lane. While I actually work for a newspaper, I often encounter TV reporters when I’m out on the road. So, to answer the fellow with the sweaty-pitted teacher:

1. TV news is a visual format and as such needs to be interesting, or at least varied, to look at. You’d soon notice if it was just some people in a room.
2. TV news needs to be different from its radio/newspaper/internet-based brethren, otherwise what’s the point?
3. Believe it or not, those guys usually aren’t being told what to say. In my experience, TV journalists just turn up on the scene and do what we all do – ask a few questions and try and work out what’s going on. I’ve seen a News 24 girl report to camera completely off the cuff, without any notes, seconds after admitting she had no idea what she was about to say.

A thrilling insight into the fast-paced world of tv news! And now a thrilling insight into the world of programming languages, thanks to James in Cornwall:

This, #!, is a shebang. It is a bit dull really, but it is used in a few programming languages on Unix.

Yup, I think that’s just the answer James from Glasgow was expecting us to give…

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** Click here for EPISODE 96 **

Oh deary dear, we’ve had a Strongly-Worded Letter of Complaint arising from my allusion to ironic 1980s cookbook Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche in Episode 95:

OI! I’ve got a bone to pick with you (which in itself is an odd phrase; answer me this – where did it originate?)

Yours
Slightly Miffed from Treorchy

Well, here’s your public apology, Slightly Miffed; and I hope you don’t get similarly riled by my reference to the culinary classic Salad Cream is for Dickwads in the forthcoming Episode 97.

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Woo woo, listeners, it’s almost the weekend, and a three-day weekend to boot! We’re going to spend ours lazing, faffing and tarrying; how about you? Have you time in your hectic schedules for Episode 96? It’s just a click away:

The minutes of the podcast:

venison hearts
jury service
Only Fools and Horses
Rageh Omaar
the surprise common ground between Ricky Martin and the Stone Roses
poppies
Harold Robbins paperbacks
correct newsreader attire
piñatas
@
Carl Linnaeus
Aberdeen Steak House
and
rhinoplasty.

Plus, Olly emulates Marlon Brando’s Oscar acceptance; Helen finds steam-baking wanting; and Martin the Sound Man gets bullied for his appearance, poor lamb. Cheer him up by subscribing to his podcast on its new feed, why don’t you?

We know how much you love to ask us QUESTIONS, so by all means keep doing that: call 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Also if you have a care for such a thing, post comments below with your toppest advice for people moving to the UK, because the vagaries of Britain can prove overwhelming to the newbie…

Ok, gotta dash, but we’ll see you next week, right?

Helen and Olly

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Here’s a sorry tale from Rob in Sampford Peverell, Devon:

Following your discussion of sniffer dogs getting hooked on cocaine in Episode 95, it became clear you haven’t heard of the sad story of sniffer dog Max, from the Avon and Somerset constabulary:

R.I.P. Max. It seems dogs can have side effects of years of coke-sniffing, if not snorting.

R.I.P. Max indeed! Stay away from drugs, kids and dogs!

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** Click here for EPISODE 95 **

Attention fellows! AMT! jingle alum Gavin Osborn has a new album out this week; it is called Meeting Your Heroes and you can buy it from:
iTunes, Amazon or Banquet Records. Which we recommend, because it will be very good.

In other musical news, according to Hugo from London the ‘Hitler has only got one ball’ song is founded in truth! He writes:

You may be interested to know that despite your research Hitler did in fact only have one ball! As did Franco!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8055329.stm.

But the chat about said song in Episode 94 has caused some consternation for Sarah from Gaytown:

I’m entirely confused about this “Hitler only had one ball” thing.
I’ve never heard this song – but desperately wish I had.
I asked my history teacher and he sent me an email back asking him to stop being inappropriate over emails so that I don’t get into any trouble.
What’s going on? I don’t really mind one way or the other about Hitler’s man bits, but a think you guys singing this song for us would definitely make my email embarrassment go away.

I’m not sure us singing monorchid wartime ditties would help anyone’s embarrassment go away, but if you want to read up on Hitler’s nads, Sarah, then here are a couple of useful articles upon the matter. Study them well, and you are bound to ace your Political Undercarriages of History exam!

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** Click here for EPISODE 95 **

it'll be even cheesier than this

We sure know how to have fun, listeners! For tonight is the most euphonious night of the year – Eurovision Song Contest – and because the best way to enjoy a night of spandex, caterwauling and elaborate dancing is with your face down in a laptop, we’re going to be liveblogging it. Right here. Well, Olly isn’t, because he smells has got proper stuff to do; but I am, along with Martin the Sound Man, Matthew Crosby and some other fine Friends of Answer Me This!.

So get your barbed comments ready, and from 8pm CLICK HERE to join the liveblogging extravaganza!

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Hello!

We’ve got something that will make you laugh. It’s the video at the bottom of this blog post. But before you scroll all the way down there, have a listen to Episode 95:

Wherein we expound upon:

All Tomorrow’s Parties
the V&A hat exhibition
Biblical symbolism in Come Dine With Me
Winegate
The Insider
Portuguese custard tarts
sports massage
one half of Hue and Cry
the New York Dolls
Watchmen
Assyrian hat theory
and
Pete Doherty’s cat.

Plus our post-match report from the Sony Awards: Olly shakes the hand of a man named after a car; Helen swoons to be in the same room as Rolf Harris and the Proclaimers; and Martin the Sound Man pisses with some of Britain’s finest radio talent. Come back here later if you care to see photos of us larking about at the shindig; and by all means send us QUESTIONS! Said means include calling 0208 123 5877, Skypeing answermethis or emailing us at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Also, listen out for us on Steve Wright in the Afternoon on Radio 2 tomorrow when we’ll be unfurling some of the web’s greatest mysteries…or just talking about stuff on the internet, as one does. (update: here’s the link on iPlayer if you missed it: fast-forward to 1.35.30 to hear our bit)

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

The Best Scenes from The Wicker Man remake:

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** Click here for EPISODE 94 **

Here’s some fun! Friend of Answer Me This! and Episode 84 alumnus Josie Long recently appeared on Australian improv show Thank God You’re Here; watch her think on her feet in impressive fashion:

Excellent stuff, eh? And she looks very lovely, right? Not sure the same can be said about listener Dave, whose cheeky wife Felicity sent in these somewhat NSFW snaps:

Click on the thumbnails to enlarge at your peril; and click HERE to buy your own AMT!P bag with which to protect your modesty.

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** Click here for EPISODE 94 **

There were a couple of nice articles about us in the papers today:

The Independent

The Jewish Chronicle

Read them, but don’t weep – unless you are our grandmothers and are overwhelmed with joy that we’re in a respectable Jewish paper.

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Hello hello hello,

After last week’s episode, Shiro wrote in to say: “Helen mentioned she had a child. I was wondering if I heard right and if i did, answer me this: what does she do with the child when you’re recording the podcast?”

Well, Shiro, in fact I keep the baby locked in a safe do not have a child, which is why you won’t hear any mysterious crying or wailing in the background of Episode 94:

What you will hear is chitchat about:

SARS
Rushmore
Geri Halliwell
dachshunds
Susan Boyle – the book?
greens
slime flu
Top Chef
seminiferous tubules
Malcolm X vs Miley Cyrus
duct tape (translation: gaffer tape)
Dexter
and
Matthew Pinsent’s second arse.

Plus: how Olly was the saddest rock star at his school; how Helen anthropomorphised her spacehopper; and how Martin the Sound Man is incapable of innuendo. He is always straight to the disgusting point.

Comment away below if you want to join in on Chris from Bolton’s question about interesting/expensive/different things you have held in your hands; and of course, keep your QUESTIONS coming in by calling 0208 123 5877, Skypeing answermethis or emailing us at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

And if, like us, you needed a little pick-me-up this week, there’s this non-lamented gem from the grim wastes of the 1990s:

It’s different.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for EPISODE 93 **

the future of Answer Me This?

Here’s something disheartening from Tom:

I play Halo 3 online and I listen to Answer Me This! while I play. One time a couple of weeks ago my mum was eating her tea while I was playing. After about five minutes my mum told me to turn Answer Me This! off. When I asked why, she said because that woman (Helen) has such a filthy mouth. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve tried to convince her that Helen is a nice person and is just being funny.

So answer me this: how can I convince my mum that Helen is a nice person, and that Martin is the disgusting crude one?

A salutary lesson for us all at Answer Me This!; but aside from us actually changing our ways and our vocabulary, how can we restore the favour of Tom’s mum? Advise us by posting a comment below!

(Also, while my own verbiage could certainly be cleaned up, Martin CLEARLY has the pottiest mouth in the podcast by a mucky mile.)

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** Click here for EPISODE 93 **

Before tomorrow’s new episode wipes the slate clean, let us tie up some loose ends from Episode 93. Firstly, David in Carlisle:

This week I felt that the derivation of ‘the dog’s bollocks’ was self-explanatory and not explored fully or correctly; it surely refers to the fact that dogs have an intense and continual interest in their own bollocks and if they’re good enough to be licked then they must be something special to be subject to such attention, hence the dog’s bollocks in reference to something really good.

Not a bad extraction, but to be honest the Zaltzman family dog shows a greater interest in mouldy tennis-balls than anything else, and that has yet to enter the vernacular. Onward to something cosmic from Sabrina:

Once I opened a fortune cookie after my meal, and it said “That wasn’t chicken”. Now, I would have simply laughed and joked about it if I had had a meal of anything other than chicken, but lo and behold! I had just had a chicken. The one and only fortune I have ever remembered.

Dangit, those cookies know too much!

Next, some encouragement from Simon from Wimbledon:

This is a response to Olly’s question about whether he would be able to ski. If my 60-year-old geography teacher can, you can.

A good adage for life, methinks. Now finally, a retro bit of feedback from new listener Jude:

A listener from episode 51 asked whether McDonalds milkshakes were made from chicken fat. I have an answer although it’s almost just as disturbing.

Hope that gives you all something to ponder when slurping up that great McDonalds food now and hereafter.

Strangely, that doesn’t even seem surprising.

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Hello old beans,

We hope you enjoy your forthcoming May Days in whichever way you see fit – putting bells on your knees, wrapping ribbons round a pole, stuffing your trousers full of onions, ’tis not for us to judge. However we will look at you askance if you neglect to listen to Episode 93:

In which we go on about:

Maltesers
vets
endorphins
Confucius
baby blankets
love birds
Lib Balm Anonymous
Wimbledon
this Badly Drawn Boy video
Baci
Snog Marry Avoid
suicidal dentists
punk lullabies
the bouquet of a cat’s anus
Katy Perry
neck-snapping
and
Olly’s true colours.

Plus: Olly takes his first lesson on the lap steel guitar; Helen reveals the shocking truth about teachers’ nightwear; and Martin the Sound Man admits to not understanding the dynamics of semen. Durrr!

Seeing as you tend to be so helpful, please comment below with ideas for presents for Jawad’s new sibling, which is probably out by now – in which case, perhaps one of these would be suitable, Jawad? Also, as ever, do send us your QUESTIONS by calling 0208 123 5877, Skypeing answermethis or emailing us at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. It’s just what the doctor ordered! (a mere two days before he was struck off.)

See you next week,

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for EPISODE 92 **

Lately we’ve very much enjoyed putting questions to you lot, so here is another one, from Holly:

Me and my friend Ciorstan are currently on our gap year living and teaching in China! We bought a pet rabbit, even though I live on the 4th floor, don’t have a cage and don’t actually want a rabbit. Answer me this: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever bought on impulse?

Sadly, our impulse buys are all pretty boring – all those unhandsome clothes at the back of the wardrobe; hair products that smell of worming medicine; pork scratchings; Paul Weller CDs – but we’ll put 50p on YOURS being far more amusing. Share your shopping follies in the comments below!

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** Click here for EPISODE 92 **

Yet more vampire-theorising on the back of Episode 88, this time courtesy of Nick:

I’m probably way late to the party on this, but I thought I might venture an opinion I read as part of my Old Norse studies.

People, observe that although late to the aforementioned party, Nick is already looking like a better intellectual bet than us. Plus, our records show that he has form.

There was a thing in Neurology about a massive outbreak of rabies in eastern Europe coinciding with the first mentions of vampire mythology – obviously, it’s transmitted by being bitten, and it makes the victim sexually and violently aggressive, often attempting to bite and fuck other people too. You also acquire an aversion to bright lights and odours (the sun, mirrors, garlic) as well as becoming hydrophobic (which might explain the holy water thing). Also, it affects the…is it the hypothalamus? The bit that control sleep, anyway; that meant that rabies victims are often up at night.

Fascinating stuff! And it’s evidently high time the EU put some regulations in place forcing vampires to be quarantined for six months before they’re allowed into the UK.

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** Click here for Episode 92 **

I just found this on YouTube and thought it was simultaneously the funniest, and saddest, thing I have seen in recent weeks. Thought I should share.

Whatever they gave that studio audience, I want some… and if anyone knows any of them personally, perhaps ask them to write us a review on iTunes.

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We had a high old time in Episode 92 wondering why ghosts say ‘whooooo’; now David, mostly in Carlisle has written in with an intriguing theory:

I think the answer might be linked with dead bodies and the noises made by escaping gases and what was thought in days gone by as the spirit/soul leaving the body. I’m sure I have read this in historical accounts, especially in times of plague etc where mass graves were not unknown.

To get police officers over the initial shock of coming into contact with dead bodies they would make sure they had a stint in the morgue on their first day. He told me that many police officers (Quincey title sequence-esque) would faint at their first sight of a dead body/autopsy. On his first day he was asked to carry a body with another officer down a spiral staircase to a basement morgue at his station and, quickly getting over the initial shock of what he had been asked to do, he get on with the job. With his hands underneath the body’s arms they manoeuvred it down the staircase. Meanwhile, knowing what he was doing, my Dad’s sergeant was outside and as a practical joke threw stones at the outside roof of the staircase. The resulting noise surprised my Dad and he dropped the body, the resulting impact making a noise akin to the WOOOOO!! of a ghost. My Dad nearly fainted thinking the dead body was coming back to life, while his fellow officers creased up in laughter. Suffice it to say he never forgot his first day in the force and got over the experience to have a very successful career.

So in essence, the corpse was like a big whoopee-cushion? Good to know one can still pull some jolly pranks even after death.

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In Episode 92, Olly said he needed an iPhone. Subsequently, you listeners are being a bad influence on him – egging him on first is Matt from Cambridgeshire:

All I can say is: Olly, GET ONE!!

I brought mine a couple of months ago and haven’t looked back. The amount of apps/games available to download is mind boggling. Not to mention downloading podcasts or TV/film straight to it. I really can’t recommend it enough.

Sounds fun and all, but I still dispute that he needs one. But Gareth from London takes me to task:

I beg to differ in your statement “Nobody NEEDS an iPhone!”

Let alone the Twitter and Facebook apps… which are actually quite worryingly addictive! oh – and Tap Tap Revenge, which is basically guitar hero for iPhone!!

Indispensable as knock-off Guitar Hero on the move sounds, I propound, Gareth from London, that you COULD literally do without yours, seeing as you managed to do that very thing until a year ago without being eaten by a lion, scuttling your ship or losing all of your shoes. So bearing in mind that ‘need’ is not quite the same creature as ‘want’ or ‘find moderately useful’, answer us this:

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** Click here for Episode 92 **

What a lovely treat; the Guardian Guide is saying nice things about us today! Read it here:
www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2009/apr/25/answer-me-this-podcast

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Dear stars of the podcast-listening world,

After watching and rewatching clips of Susan Boyle, your ears probably need a bit of a rest from sublime noise, no? Well, we have the perfect thing – Answer Me This! Episode 92:

On this week’s agenda are:

Einstein
hair dye for men
ghost masochists
humane killing tips from Richard Madeley
Richard Feynman
talcum powder
Moses
equine respiratory flaws
E.T.
and
the smell of lemons.

Plus, Olly craves an iPhone (it’s his birthday coming up! Hint hint!); Helen tells you how to combine book preservation with solvent abuse; and Martin the Sound Man proves to be a lot burlier than anyone could have predicted. So watch his new music video or he’ll duff you up, right?

As usual, please send us your QUESTIONS by calling 0208 123 5877, Skypeing answermethis or emailing us at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com; but please also help us settle this question:

And that’s all for this week!

Love,

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for Episode 91 **

Here’s a charming story from James, entitled ‘My Friend Recently Shit Himself’. Can you guess how it’s going to go? Well done, you are correct:

Yes it was quite an epic tale, cram packed with adventure, tension and embarrassment.

I found this odd/sickening and was wondering what would you do in a situation like that?

To be frank, we found it pretty odd/sickening as well; therefore, as we’ve just had our lunch and are reluctant to throw it all up, we thought we’d open the question out to you instead. So please comment below and answer us this: what is a failsafe means of rescuing yourself should you wind up in a similar situation?

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** Click here for EPISODE 91 **

Uh oh, we’ve been Found Out! Reena from Gran Canaria but living in Salford clocked that most of the time we know dick-all about diddly, so has kindly stepped in to shed light upon Laurence from York’s question in Episode 90 about ringing ears:

As an Acoustics student, I knew you guys didn’t know the answer for this question. Martin was close, but not enough…

What happens is that the ear changes its threshold of hearing to protect itself, so it needs more energy to arrive to the timpanic membrane in order to hear. When you conditions change the ear needs some time to recover…and sometimes it doesn’t recover at all. The effects are additive and that’s why DJs are deaf when they’re old.

That, and the cumulative effect of playing so-called Dance Anthems for their working lives.

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** Click here for EPISODE 91 **

We know how much you people love a bit of Martin the Sound Man. This month you can have a bit more of him than usual: either by fishing his beard clippings out of the bin, or by watching the latest episode of his Sound of the Ladies Lounge, featuring the Sound of the Ladies song ‘D.E.A.D.’ and Superman Revenge Squad singing ‘Idiot Food’:

Check out Martin the Sound(oftheLadies)man’s website www.thesoundoftheladies.com for more musical wonders!

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Hello dears,

We’ve been having a bit of a spruce-up around here, and have added a load of new games and jigsaws to our Timewasting page. So get over there and waste some time! That which you have not already squandered on Answer Me This! Episode 91:

Up for discussion this week are:

Gloria Hunniford
Latin turnips
Sweeney Todd
Vidal Sassoon
Church’s Shoes
Disney’s Californian Adventure vs. Seaworld
Humpty Dumpty on your face
Harry Tate
Pink
the hormones of 15-year-olds
and
Matthew Crosby’s testicles.

Plus: Olly explains his sinister methods for succeeding at Jenga; Helen reveals the kind of giddy fun that made her childhood parties the talk of Tunbridge Wells; and Martin the Sound Man tells soap operas to buzz off. Or similar. And if you’ve got something you want Martin to slag off, or just a QUESTION for us, get in touch: call us on 0208 123 5877, Skype us at answermethis, email us at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or send your carrier pigeons to Crystal Palace and pray they can sniff us out.

We also hope you enjoy this week’s new jingle by Wilbur Sargunaraj; if so, amusing treats await you at his website www.wilbur.asia, and you may also be tickled by his Blog Song:

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for EPISODE 90 **

In the hopes that one day we will be canonised for our services to procrastination and life-frittering, we have added ALL-NEW jigsaws to our Timewasting page. And not only that – we’ve also customised some classic arcade games and slapped them on there too! Don’t blame us when your boss demotes you for playing Martin-faced Pacman for eight hours…

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** Click here for EPISODE 90 **

Over on the Answer Me This! Facebook Fanclub forums, the enterprising Joe from Newnham has declared he has started up a new Facebook group to persuade the BBC to employ the AMT!P team to present the 2012 Olympics.

As you know, we know dick-all about sport. We care almost that much too. But come on, sports-fans and non-fans – you know this would be so wrong, and yet so right… Imagine what a glorious time we might have dissecting the day’s synchronised diving events and the 100-yard dash! So dammit, CLICK HERE to join the group! Sign the petition! Let’s make this happen!

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After our allusion in Episode 90 to an addictive but seemingly pointless Japanese ball-bearing-based arcade game, several of you have been in touch to enlighten us about its mechanics and objectives. Firstly, a simple synopsis from Mike from Coventry:

Buy ball bearings
win ball bearings
weigh ball bearings
get pointless gift based on the weight of won ball bearings
go to pawn shop owned and normally next door to gambling place who exchange pointless gift for money.
It’s all something to do with gambling laws in Japan.

Keza from Nagoya elaborates:

I might be able to go some small way towards explaining the madness, as I’ve been living in Japan for a year or so and am exposed daily to this sort of nonsense. It’s called Pachinko, and it’s massive. They have department-store sized floors of pachinko in even tiny towns, full of Japanese salarymen pouring endless ball-bearings into endless rows of incessant noise-making machines.

Anyway, the reason that you an only win ball-bearings is that gambling for money is illegal in Japan. You can, though, exchange a few thousand ball-bearings for disproportionately small plastic objects and teddy bears in some parlours. The trick is that there is usually a small, distinct shop in close proximity to the pachinko parlour that just happens to buy said items for extremely large sums of money. Aha!

Mostly, though, people genuinely just seem to be playing to earn more ball bearings and be able to play for longer.

We read that pachinko addiction is a growing problem in Japan, although apparently not for Leo from West Sussex:

I recently came back from a week in Japan in February and I went to one of those very places you were just talking about! It’s absolutely insane, there are row upon row of these really boring pachinko machines which are sometimes inanely themed with hideously manga-fied Star Wars characters! After the working hours are finished they are packed with really bored-looking people poking buttons. We had a go at them, and I lost miserably, or at least I think I did, my Japanese is shit.

Pah! It sounds like my grandparents’ home-made bagatelle board, only with added manga. We’d rather stay in with a lovely jigsaw…

*UPDATE*: Kevin in Osaka adds:

There is one minor point that your authoritative source got wrong though – that when you’ve finished your session, you exchange all you accumulated metal balls for cash, or for sweets if you were not so successful. One of my former students at Kyoto University figured out the machines so well that he used to do pachinko instead of a part-time job, and made enough to support himself with a regular Saturday session.

Man cannot live on sweets alone, surely?

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** Click here for EPISODE 90 **

We’ve enjoyed some splendid cartoonage from Luke from Cambridge before, and this week he has turned his talents to matters Educational and Scientific:

In response to Laurence from York’s question regarding things being “ice cold”, I must take a slightly tangential and pedantic point that it is possible to water to be liquid at temperatures far below zero due to a phenomenon called “supercooling” (www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supercooling).
To illustrate this I have composed the following cartoon.

Click on it for a bigger version, and visit www.lukesurl.com for more of Luke’s ace cartooning.

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** Click here for EPISODE 90 **

After the discussion in Episode 90 of how to tell people they have managed to get muck upon themselves, Jim in New Jersey supplies this delightful example:

An employee at a music shop I worked in years ago called to say he would be arriving a little late one morning, as he had had an accident while attempting to dispose of a bag of used cat litter. About an hour later, he shows up in a huff, and gets down to work. I don’t know who among the staff saw it first, but we suddenly realized that one of us was going to have to tell this guy that…he had a cat turd in his hair. Really. And he had taken the subway all the way downtown in such a state. I think you’ll agree that this is a step beyond awkward.

Indeed. What is the most tactful way to tell someone they have shit on their head? Assuming he wasn’t sporting the latest in scat-hat fashions:

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Hmm, what’s in the papers today? Phil Spector… Princess Eugenie drinking ketchup… and oh look, US! For the lovely London Paper have printed an interview with Team AMT!P. CLICK HERE to read it.

*** Still haven’t watched our new Top 10 Photoshops video? Muggins! Click here to see it, right now. There, that’s better ***

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Hello dear listeners,

The excitements of this week notwithstanding, we have hauled ourselves out of our champagne baths to bring you Answer Me This! Episode 90:

Therein we speak of:

‘When I’m 64′
Jonathan Cainer
Brian Dowling
Humdingers
schoolgirls in the shower
pachinko
free envelopes
the Junior RSPB
lucky trees
Nectar cards
Ryanair
and
Slash.

Plus, Olly unearths his earliest showreel; Martin the Sound Man shows off some knowledge about the inner ear; and Helen forgot to mention the spaghetti bolognese pizza she did NOT order in one particularly depraved Italian restaurant (if you can call it ‘Italian’, rather than ‘VERY VERY WRONG’), but if you have consumed a similarly sucktacular pizzas, please tell us about it in a comment below.

Thanks very much for all your suggestions for questions Michael from Hertfordshire can ask his girlfriend; see if you’ve got any to add to Anastazia’s comprehensive list. And of course, our own appetite for your QUESTIONS is always voracious; send them in to Skype ID answermethis, our Question Line 0208 123 5877, or answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Please also take yourself to our Challenge page to discover the winner of our Photoshop Challenge!

See you next week,

Helen and Olly

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** Click here for Episode 89 **

Following her missive in Episode 89, Kat from Edinburgh has lifted the lid on Build a Bear. Prepare yourself for Shock! Scandal! Bears filled with drugs! Teddies with nine limbs! Or:

To answer your questions about Build a Bear, it’s only in America that you can actually get messages sewn onto them. If people change their mind, we take the bears into surgery, cut the thread at the back then take the stuffing out to put back into other bears. We then can re-stitch it and sell it again. You can record voice messages to put in them but there’s a button to delete them. You could most certainly put AMT messages into them. You would have to take a recording to the shop and play it into the Build a Sound which would then be put in the bear. Not sure if the quality would be that great though. And we personally don’t kiss the hearts. That would just be sad. The customer does it. If you are feeling mean you can get them to rub it on your tummy so it never gets hungry, rub it on your heart so it has lots of love, rub it on your head so its clever etc etc. The kids love it! As for the Uranium, I most definitely do not earn enough to buy any and I don’t think it would go down too well with the boss!

Huh. It sounds quite cute and civilised actually. Dammit.

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** Click here for Episode 89 **

A few announcements:

Firstly, happy birthday to Jon from Bath, who turned 14 yesterday! Well done, sir.

But let’s turn to sadder news. A few months ago Celeste from France named her guppy fish after Martin the Sound Man. Joy abounded in Martin’s dainty heart. But this week Celeste emailed again, with tidings that he may find devastating:

I’m afraid I have bad news, Martin has Disappeared! The poor fish has gone missing with his auntie, I fear the red-tailed shark malso in the aquarium may have eaten them.

so my question is more of a request: may we take a small moment of respect for poor Martin and his auntie? RIP.

Readers, light a candle and remember Martin the guppy. Remember his auntie. Remember Olly the late guinea pig. Wow, pets named after the AMT!P team really don’t seem to have a good record for staying alive very long…

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** Click here for EPISODE 89 **

Scenes of hangover and rejoicing at Answer Me This! this morning, for last night we were nominated for a Sony Award! Unbelievable? We know! But head over to the Sony Radio Academy Awards website, scroll down the list of nominees until your arm gets tired, and there we are, in the Internet Programme Award category.

The Sony Awards are proper stuff, people, so we are thoroughly chuffed. Now, if any of you know people on the judging panel, please give them some cupcakes or a lapdance on our behalf…

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Michael from Hertfordshire from Episode 89, your ship has come in! Anastazia has furnished you with enough questions to keep your relationship going forever (or until your girlfriend gets sick of being interrogated all the time. Anastazia says:

My partner and I have used more than a few of these and whilst some are strange most are quite good. Michael is sure not to run out of questions before his gf.

WORK

276. What makes you feel the most alive?

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Morning campers,

Put down those pranks, because April Fool’s Day is over for another year – and so, alas, is our Photoshop Challenge! You can still pop over to photobucket.com/answermethis to comment on the entries, and the winner will be announced on this very website next week. Until then, there’s Episode 89:

In which we ponder:

the world’s first branch of Do-It-All
Rubik’s Magic
Jack Vettriano
how to stop the Barenaked Ladies revival
Classics degrees
mescal vs. tequila
urology vs. colo-rectal surgery
the Olsens vs. the Mitfords
career advice from car journalists
man-thongs
and
uranium.

Furthermore, Olly conceives of a cunning marketing campaign for the under-fives; Helen practices her photo-face; and Martin the Sound Man rolls out a special version of ‘Human’ by the Killers. If that is Your Song, then for pete’s sake switch off the podcast for a few seconds at the 16 minutes mark, else it will be ruined forever.

As we beseech you at the end of the show, please comment below with questions for Michael from Hertfordshire to put to his lady love. But don’t give Michael all your questions; save some for us! Send them to Skype ID answermethis, our Question Line 0208 123 5877, or answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Thanks in anticipation.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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In Episode 88 we found a lot of conflicting stories about where vampires came from, then got sidetracked before working out the answer. So thankyou, Ray from Belfast, who has stepped forward to claim that vampires are a home team:

The whole Vampires mythology actually comes from Ireland. The O’Caithan legend (Pronounced Oh Ka-han) is the earliest known legend about blood eaters. Apparently in Dungiven, County Derry, there was a local baddy/boogie man who demanded to eat the blood of one person of every family in the town in retribution for wrongly convicting him of a crime.

I think you’ll find that there was no history of blood eaters in Eastern Europe before this.

Now. It seems perfectly convincing, but so did the Irishman who told me that there are no snakes, homosexuals or feminists in Ireland because St Patrick got rid of them all. So if anyone else wants to pipe up and tell us that in fact all vampire myths are based on Surrey commuters, comment below!

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Dinnnng! The Photoshop Challenge is now closed. So put your electronic pens down, and come back here next week to find out who won.

** Click here for EPISODE 88 **

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** Click here for EPISODE 88 **

Listeners, you are probably well aware that we at Answer Me This! hate to waste energy, to the extent that we don’t even get off the sofa most days. However we might be persuaded to haul ourselves into an upright position by the Mega Dance Power of this jaunty song some of you have forwarded us:

‘Polar Bears, Who Cares?’ – Dan Power

Once you have finished shaking your hairy arses, you can bogle on over to www.energywastingday.com to find out how to stalk Dan Power or buy one of the frankly awesome t-shirts. Then you can go off and Do Your Bit in time for Energy Wasting Day on April 1st by setting fire to some tyres or something.

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Look here, chums,

Only six days to go until our amazing Photoshop Challenge closes, so here’s a checklist:
1) Have you uploaded your entries to photobucket.com/answermethis?
2) Have you visited the same photobucket.com/answermethis to view the entries, comment upon their finery, and slyly download them for our birthday cards?

If yes to both, good. You may now proceed to Answer Me This! Episode 88:

This week we ponder:
historic Brighton
Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares
notable people from Stanmore
dead fish vs. live fish
vampires vs. vegans
the Barenaked Ladies vs. the Sound of the Ladies
synaesthesia
the Norman invasion
two fat ladies
the Dicks and the Balls
and
Last of the Summer Wine.

Plus! Helen wheels out her etymological dictionary without putting everyone to sleep; Martin the Sound Man contracts porphyria; and has Olly found his real dad on Google Streetview?

If that’s not enough for you, don’t forget to sign up for Martin’s spring music sale, and tune in to TalkSport tonight between midnight and 1am to hear us on the Late Show with Ian Collins. Then please send us your QUESTIONS, to Skype ID answermethis, our Question Line 0208 123 5877, or answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Oh, and here’s the tooting video we chuckle about in the podcast:

Parp!

Helen and Olly

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