We Answered These! QUESTION ARCHIVE

EPISODE 54
aired 15th May 2008

Belinda: why is your website banned in Turkey?

Ned from Bath: how much of your life is devoted to Answer Me Is? How do you pronounce ’scone’? Do you sleep naked?

Will: I went on holiday recently to Dubai and California (go me!). I was away for two weeks and when I came back, my girlfriend broke up with me citing a number of reasons. I took this as it came - being 14 and considering we’d been going out for only six months I did what I’m sure both of you would do - cry for a few days and then forget about it. However, a friend of mine told me that my best friend had since made out with her, and that they’d been going out with each other! According to him, my best friend had told him “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him”. So, answer me this - should I be annoyed at my friend for stealing my girlfriend behind my back, or should I let it be?

Emily from Glasgow: what is the point of the kids’ tv programme Blue Peter?

Sean in Paris: I was in that renowned fashion store ‘Primark’ the other day purchasing a selection of woolly jumpers (at a discount price) for next winter and polo shirts to replenish my diminishing wardrobe. Having carried said items home and preparing for my evening session in the pub, I tried the new clothes on and this is where the problem started….I’m a big chap (XL!) and all my new Primark clothes are XL! Why is it that they are all different sizes of XL, some even being what I would call S masquerading as XL? Where did the sizes originate from, S - XXXXXL, who agreed to these sizes, and why is there no bloody continuity through the aforementioned sizes between different clothes?

Jamie in Streatham: why does my kitten, Bagel, sit on the litter tray the wrong way round shitting on the floor instead of in the tray?

Dave: if you could have the singing voice of anyone, who would it be?

Michele: why are cookies called Biscuits in Europe? To us, biscuits are something that come with overly fried food at KFC, not a sweet dessert best dunked in coffee. And if you call cookies ‘biscuits’, what name do you use for the soft flaky bread we Yanks call biscuits?

Rich from Fareham: why are lesbians butch?

William (10): Olly, who would you rather shag, the Queen or a dog? Helen, the Duke of Kent or Prince Charles?

Dan: who would win in a fight between the Grim Reaper or King Midas?

Tricky: why is that I have to lie to my parents and say that I am revising for the most important exams I will ever sit in my life, when really I sit in my room and watch the West Wing? Also, am a bad person for this?

EPISODE 53
aired 10th April 2008

Alex from Hertfordshire: is there any connection between the phrase “Yoo hoo”, as said by effeminate people from the olden days, and “Yo ho”, as said by pirates?

Stuart from Bradford: after a night at the pub with my friends, we always have the same debate: where to go for post-drinking snacks? Pizza, curry, Chinese, kebab etc? Who is right, and what is your preferred after-drinking takeaway?

Marie: what is the origin of the phrase ‘carnal knowledge’? I know ‘carn’ refers to meat, as in ‘chilli con carne’, ‘carnivorous’ etc - this surely can’t be a reference to man-meat?

Paul in Southend: while cooking some brown wholegrain rice to accompany my delicious home-made chilli, I noticed that the cooking instructions on the rice contained the following line: ‘Add a pinch of salt, if required, to a large pan of water, and boil’. What are the conditions that make salt a requirement, or, indeed, not? In case you’re wondering, I always add salt and have never questioned it…until now.

Sonny: why do so many girls describe themselves as ‘dumb blondes’? Do they think it makes them more attractive to men?

Chris from Scotland: my friend thinks I’m depressed, which I’m not, but he has a hard time believing that. How can I prove that I’m not depressed?

Leon in Northumberland: why are the letters on a QWERTY keyboard arranged in that order?

Krabbers: I play ukulele in a band. Why is it that whenever I get my ukulele out, whether in public or in private, someone always shouts, “When I’m cleaning windows!”?

Dave: why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes? It would have saved a lot of problems!

Phil: to my dismay, I currently live with my parents, where I home work. Having graduated from university last year I feel that this is marginally acceptable; plus my living situation will change when I move to my new job in ten months, at which point I’ll be 23. How old is too old to still be living with your parents?

Graham from Canada: could someone be addicted to counselling, and if so, how would you treat them?
If an African elephant comes to America, is it an African-American elephant?
I have a female friend who keeps trying to set me up with the strangest or boringest people, and I’ve tried to tell her to stop but she won’t. Is there a tactful way I can tell her to stop that would make her stop?
I was listening to the episode where Graham from Canada emailed you about rainwater; was that me?
There’s a person in my school, to sum him up - short, fat, high-voiced and spoilt - yet he’s extremely popular. Why?
Do I have attention deficit disorder? I can think up all these questions in five minutes or less!
What do you imagine me to look like?

EPISODE 52
aired 3rd April 2008

Stefan from Holland: if I have to do a presentation for the subject of English this year, I’m sure I’ll talk about Answer Me This!. So answer me this please, what should I definitely include in my presentation?

Kirsty: would you rather pubes for teeth, or teeth for pubes?

Amy from Maidenhead: at what age does it become inappropriate to need to sleep with a soft toy? Aged almost eighteen, I can’t help thinking that I should have probably grown out of this ten years ago. It has got to the stage where I must take Pandie, my one-armed panda, to my boyfriend’s house when I stay over. Naturally, he does seem to get in the way as I have to keep him in bed (Pandie that is, not my boyfriend, although I do sometimes wonder about whose intellect is higher), but if I put him by the side of the bed I feel as though he’s perving on me. What should I do and should I get counselling for this?

Kieran from Anerley: I’ve decided I need a new hobby, and celebrity-stalking looks fun. I think I need to start small, and preferably within walking distance. Can you see where I’m going with this? Any hints or tips would be appreciated.

Ned from Bath: are ugly people still attracted to attractive people? Because it seems you hardly ever see an attractive person with an ugly person. Or do they merely accept that they are ugly, stop bothering even thinking attractive people are attractive, and somehow force their minds into thinking these obviously unattractive people are attractive?
As a completely gorgeous 16-year-old male i have never had this problem, but it has always puzzled me.

Adeline: when I was extremely young and unable to defend myself (seven, most likely) my parents thought it would be a good idea to send me to Catholic school. There I read the Bible and came to understand that such great values of the Western civilisation, like freedom of choice and the ability to tell right from wrong, were given to us by the Devil. I was very enthusiastic about this discovery…
As you might imagine, it wasn’t long before a man in a long black dress, which it is unholy to call a dress, for it is a cassock (dresses are for women, not priests), informed me that I’d end up in Hell for that sort of thing. He really excited my imagination when he told me all about Hell and how to get there.
Anyway, later in life I realised that I am attracted to men in dresses. This is a bit of a problem, really. So answer me this: do you think I fancy men in dresses as a result of my experiences at Catholic school, and how should I handle this situation?

Nick: as you’ve probably noticed, there are are now a huge number of stretch limos on our roads which are much beloved of hen-night parties and eighteen-year-old just-about-to-puke-on-a-Friday-night giggling Britney wannabes. Given that these motoring travesties offend on so many levels, precisely how much explosive would be needed to vapourise every last one of these dreadful bits of tat?

Jimmski from Dorking: why are private schools referred to as ‘Public’ schools when they are anything but?

Kat from East London: why is it that when I step onto an escalator that’s not moving I feel like I’m being sucked into a vortex? It should feel like walking downstairs; but it’s not, and it feels bloody horrid!

Jamison: who would win in a tug of war, one 200lb man or two 100lb men?

Laura and Tom: you know how computers used to be cream, but now they’re always black or white or silver? Will they ever go back to being cream? This might seem a trivial question, but we just had an argument with our dad about it.

Phil: when people from the UK go on holiday outside of Western Europe or North America for durations in excess of three weeks, why do they refer to it as ‘travelling’? This is particularly prevalent amongst gap-year students. Just because they go to more than one location on their holiday, they’re not fucking travelling, they’re on holiday! Why do these moronic individuals seem to think they’re Indiana Jones!?! Don’t they understand that they are on the same package trip to Africa or Australasia that everyone else their age has been on?

EPISODE 51
aired 27th March 2008

David the Sound Dad: Martin, how come you don’t know that the Rotunda is still standing in Birmingham?

George: how many people must one kill before it is classed as a spree?

Ben: I listen to your podcast every week and love it, but there is one small thing that slightly bothers me, and that is, by asking you a question I feel very slightly disrespectful. I am just a minion and you are pod-stars and I feel that demanding of you, “ANSWER ME THIS!” is more than a little rude. So please, if it’s not too much of a bother, would you mind re-branding the entire concept by calling it “Please would you answer this for me”?

Chris: how do I get my stupid maths teacher to stop singing your song whenever I say, “I have a question”?

Ollie from Great Bentley, Essex: One of the silliest things I have ever stolen is a metal corkscrew/bottle opener. The most ridiculous thing was I stashed it down my sock and it jostled painfully against my ankle bone. I didn’t make a very graceful getaway as I hobbled out of the store like an utter buffoon. What is the stupidest thing you have ever stolen (I know stealing is bad and unforgivable!)?

James from Surrey: is it legal to name your child ‘Anonymous’?

Andy from California: as a red-blooded and stereotypical American, I absolutely love Mexican food, and here in America, there’s a Mexican food restaurant on almost every street corner, which works out well for me considering how much my American compadres and I love it. So answer me this: why don’t people from other countries love Mexican food as much as Americans do? I’ve been to Germany, Australia, Italy, Korea, and Canada, and in not one of those countries did I find a single Mexican restaurant. If you can find other kinds of foods, like Italian, Thai, Chinese, Japanese, and American fast food in countries all over the globe, how come Mexican food hasn’t caught on too?

Gemma from Colchester: is it true that McDonald’s milkshakes are made of chicken fat?

Steve and Lynne: what happens if you add Dettol to Yakult? Would it just become normal yoghurt?

Ryan from Bridgewater in Somerset: why do men have nipples?

Gary: when is the Guns’n'Roses album Chinese Democracy coming out? I’ve been waiting ten years, and I’d like to know whether I’m just wasting my time.

Stuart from Bradford: a friend I recently got back in touch with has just finished telling me the details of her open relationship. Does this mean she is interested in me, and wants me to know she’s ‘available’? Or does it mean something else?

Jacquelyne: if I was elected Prime Minister, my first act would be to pass a law banning men over 30 and all men with beer bellies from wearing Speedos in public. Especially men with beer bellies so big that they hang down so far over the front you can’t tell if they are actually wearing anything at all. If you had the power to pass any law concerning items of clothing that should or shouldn’t be worn, what would it be and why?

Graham from Canada: on libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section? If the FBI breaks your door down, do they have to pay for it? Can you cry underwater? – I don’t think so, do you?

EPISODE 50
aired 20th March 2008

Silvertop: what would you put in a 21st-century version of the Seven Wonders of the World?

Max: I am 16, I live in London, and look forward to the weekend throughout the school week. But sometimes I wonder why. Me and my friends agree that there is almost nothing for us to do on Saturday night and we very often have a very boring time. Is it just me who experiences this, and what do you recommend doing on a Saturday night in London if you’re a 16-year-old?

Stuart from Bradford: if YOU were suspended from work, like I am, on full pay, what would you do with your days? Diagnosis Murder is getting a bit repetitive.

Philip: when you go to the toilet on a plane, do they wait until you land to get rid of it, or do they eject it into the sky straightaway? And if they do shoot it into the sky, how come you don’t hear of more people getting hit?

Oli: if Nintendo is a Japanese company then why is its star character (Mario) supposed to be Italian?

Jonathan: whenever I’m putting my hair gel on, it smells delicious and sometimes I feel compelled to taste it. But when I do it doesn’t taste nice at all. Do you do this? Or are there other things you feel compelled to taste that aren’t food but that smell nice?

David: why is it that when certain people swear they follow it with the phrase “pardon my French”?

Alex: where is the best place to fall asleep in public? Where is the worst place to fall asleep in public?

Stefan from Holland: what is the most useless invention ever invented? And also, what is the most useful invention?

EPISODE 49
aired 13th March 2008

Roger Stout: why is it that the likelihood of me doing any given task is inversely proportional to the amount of time I have spent detailing said task on a “To Do” list?

Sophie: if you had to choose, would you rather look like a fish or smell like one?

Louisa: Do bald men wash their hair with soap or shampoo?

James from the Philippines: what the hell is wrong with Wile E. Coyote? He always gets shit from ACME and it never works!!

Adrienne: how did people wake up before the alarm clock was invented?

Dovy: why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Ollie: why do so many listeners feel the urge not to actually think of questions but instead trawl the internet looking for ones other people have thought up? Being a 14-year-old the internet is my favourite thing ever, and I have come across many sites with these questions on which I have heard asked many times. Here are a few i found just by typing ‘funny questions’ into google…
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
How do you KNOW it’s new and improved dog food?
Why is ‘phonetic’ spelt phonetically?
Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Rebecca: why do men feel the need to sit with their legs soooo widely apart on the train? Are we meant to believe they have bollocks the size of Grapefruits?!

Alex from Edinburgh: I recently considered all the celebrated women I had ever fallen in love with – Rachel Weisz, Sara Silverman, Nigella Lawson. I used to think I preferred women with raven hair, but now I realize they’re all Jews. Am I a sex racist?

Simon: as I approach the end of my thirties, I have realised that I now know most of the tracks played on Radio 2 and have resolutely begun to believe that only the music I listened to in my student days is any good. I am getting really worried so please, answer me this:
How long is it going to be before I start to…
a) Wear close-knit ‘Blue Harbour’ wool shirts from M&S ?
b) Tuck said shirt into my jeans and wear them with un-scuffed brogues?
c) Complain about the price of tinned goods?
e) Have to get up twice a night for a piss?
I already choose cars based on the cubic capacity of the boot rather than the engine. I need reassurance. It’s a slippery slope.

April: am I the only woman who uses her bra as a handy storage space? Or am I merely one among many? Because when your iPod headphones aren’t quite long enough to reach down to your pocket, I’m not sure what I’d do without it!

Lo: if you could ask anyone, alive or dead, a question, and they had to tell the truth, what would it be and would you feel better for knowing?

Bas from the Netherlands: I was listening to your podcast while I was at the checking counter of my local grocery store when a young man with acne came into the store wearing sunglasses. Is it ever OK to wear sunglasses inside?

EPISODE 48
aired 6th March 2008

Abdullah: I was listening to your podcast in class, and my ipod got confiscated, so could you buy me a new one? I mean, it’s sort of your fault for being so addictive. You could send it to Pakistan through my aunt, who’s coming in June.

John from Glasgow: Helen, seeing as you seem to be fairly intelligent and love doing the AMT podcast, would you sell yourself down the river and go on Loose Women if they asked you?

Brendan: why is episode 35 of Answer Me This! classified by genre as Techno? Was this some kind of prank? If so, it’s not a very funny one. It almost ruined a 90s rave I was holding the other night when Olly suddenly started cheerfully discussing smut between Carl Cox and Underworld.

Flash: what’s the worst film that you really love but are quite ashamed of? Mine is Young Einstein, a film that shows the coming of age of Albert Einstein in Tasmania, who splits the beer Atom, thus adding bubbles to beer! He also invents rock and roll. What’s not to like!

Matthew from Colchester: why don’t badgers come out in the day?

Sarah: what do you think of internet relationships?

Joss: what do you do if you wet yourself on a train?

Graham from Canada: why do people use umbrellas?

Marie from Adelaide: I hit my elbow on my glass shower screen yesterday and it hurt like arsenic-coated chocolates on Valentine’s Day. Why is it called the funny bone when it is anything but funny?

Alex: would you rather be a little piece of shit or a big piece of shit?

Frankie: do either of you (or Martin the Sound Man) own a pair of amazingly fluffy slippers? Or what slippers do you have? Oh, and I turn 16 tomorrow; any tips on how to handle this totally terrifying thing!

Sue from Doncaster: I was in Tesco the other day and they had new trolleys, which you didn’t have to put a pound into. So as I didn’t have a car, I thought I’d take my shopping to the bus stop. It got to the perimeter of the building, where the trolley applied its own brake and I couldn’t take it beyond the perimeter. Answer me this: how did the trolley know it had reached the edge of the building?

Josie: I was just eating some mints while half doing my art homework, and was looking at the ingredients to find out what mints are really made of. At the bottom, it says in tiny letters ‘excessive consumption may produce laxative effect’. So, Answer Me This- how many packets of mints do you have to consume before you start getting diarrhoea??

EPISODE 47
aired 28th February 2008

Neil in Walnut Creek: your 20-minute podcasts are perfect for sun tanning in Mexico (perhaps other places, as well) while on holiday. Listen to an episode, turn over, listen to the next episode, turn over, this went on for two weeks. So, Helen and Olly, Answer Me This: do you have a list of other activities we should be doing that are perfectly timed to your podcasts?

Silvertop: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

George: how can you tell if an old person used to be hot?

David: I do tours up and down the Thames and I tell people regularly that ‘wharf’ stands for ‘WareHouse At River Front’. I’m pretty sure I made that up; does that have any historical grounding at all?

Kevin from Wallasey: where and when the phrase “O.K.” come from?

Wee Mental Daz: if it came to it, who would batter the other person in a fight: John Rambo or Rocky Balboa? Basically, I would win; but out of those two, who would win?

Andrew from Stoke: are you paying too much for your car insurance?

Aphra Behn: if you go outside in cold dry weather and you fart - can other people see bum-steam? I’ve never noticed bum-steam, and I cannot believe that no one farts when it’s frosty, so WHY does breath turn into steam when it’s cold but farts don’t?

Jowad: if Jesus fed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish what could he do with a family bucket of KFC?
Why does e=mc squared?

Alex: what’s the longest you’ve gone without a bath?

Miguel: on a scale of 1 to 10 - 1 being not at all and 10 super-duper - how “geeky” am I (a thirty-something-year-old) for having a collection of board-games and enjoying playing them on a regular basis?

EPISODE 46
aired 21st February 2008

Rob: Martin the Sound Man always sounds depressed. Is he a goth?

Steve in Holmfirth: I am very sceptical about claims of the paranormal. I am open to evidence to the contrary, but it seems to me that claims of mediums, ghost sightings, telepathy, homeopathy and so on are, to put it frankly, bollocks. The more you look into it, the more obvious it becomes that there’s not a shred of proof for any of it. So imagine my dismay when I found out that my uncle, who has lived in Australia these past 20 years, is returning to England to set up shop as a… wait for it… psychic detective. How do you suggest I handle that first uncomfortable family get-together? Should I come out and call him an immoral leech there and then? What would you do?

Mike: I’m 14 and I have a lisp, but I was thinking the other day the fact that I can’t even say ‘I have a lisp’ properly.
Why does the word lisp have an ’s’ in it, and what causes it in the first place?

Joe Jay: why are French baguettes only made from white bread? When I eat classic English loaves I prefer brown bread but I love my French bread even more! The combination of brown bread and French bread would be amazing but why not, is this some sort of racial prejudice?

Mark from Essex: Why are digestive biscuits too big to dunk in your tea? And why do they drop off in your tea leaving that horrible gunk at the bottom? The manufacturers of biscuits should make their biscuits mug-sized and strong enough to retain at least two dunks into an average cup of tea.

Jesca: why is it that all Smarties have their own flavour but only the orange Smartie has a flavour that is linked to the colour? It undeniably has some kind of orangey hint of flavour and although it is my favourite, it annoys me that i can think of no logical explanation for why the others have no link between the colours and the taste. Please help me to put my mind at ease.

Donna Prima: Today in Drama we had to perform and we were being recorded. I was wearing a quite low-cut vest top and had to bend down, unknowingly showing the rest of the class my boobs. The person I have a crush on is also in my drama group and saw the whole thing, and now we have to watch it back and it’s also being shown to the year above. So, Helen and Olly, answer me this: How do I talk to him (or anyone else in my drama group for that matter) and watch the video without being completely embarrassed?

Leon: since the Channel Four programmes about free-range eggs and chickens, has there been an increase in sales of those?

Richard from Delaware: I am Richard from Delaware on the east coast of the USA. In the state of Delaware, our capital city’s name is Dover and is located in Kent county. Now, I know that there is a Kent and Dover in England. I also grew up listening to the music of my grandparent’s era (the 1940s) and have heard that famous standard “The White Cliffs of Dover”. Now this leads me to my question. Answer me this, are there white cliffs in Dover England? Because growing up close to Dover Delaware USA, I’ve yet to see a damn white cliff in Dover.

EPISODE 45
aired 14th February 2008

Calvin: with so many French people arriving in the UK, and with the UK having such crap weather, why don’t we do country swapsies?

Kirsty: am I an idiot for thinking that Justin Timberlake, in his recent single ‘Sexy Back’, was actually talking about his actual back? I thought it was just bad grammar when he sang ‘I’m bringing sexy back…yeah’; no, I used to think, you’re bringing your sexy back.
PS any advice on A Level options? You are the experts.

Katherine: I am a big fan of restaurants with puns in their name, my favourites being “Thaitanic”, “Pete’s Plaice” and “Chick King”. What would your favourite restaurant be called with a pun in its name?

Sha: how do Lego people have sex?

Polly: how can I stop colleagues using ‘project manage’ as a verb?

Robert from Dumfriesshire: does anyone know whether Ant and Dec ever tossed each other off?

Mathew: why do some people, who do not speak Chinese or Japanese, choose to have Chinese writing on their arms?

Charles: why do childhood candy favourites suck when you grow up? For example, when I was a young lad the best thing in the world was a Sherbet Fountain - I would have happily sold my brother’s soul for one. But when I had one recently (imported at noticeable expense) it was simply some confectioner’s sugar and a piece of stale licorice. Pathetic. My childhood memories died a bit that day. Why? And do either of you have a childhood favorite candy that sucks today?

Lexy Law: tears clean out dirt from the eyes, so why do we cry when we are upset like when I cant get my big fat ass into a pair of size 10 jeans?

Chris, Tom and Kane: which are better, mohicans or afros?

Philip: do people with stupid/whimsical email addresses, like “jennybeans69″ or “doom4ever”, actually put them on their CVs? If you were employing someone, would you choose “Nathan.TheWorkExperience” or “ebonyluvr”?

EPISODE 44
aired 7th February 2008

Dan: why the fuck do penguins have wings?

Dave: why do you suppose someone would defecate in my driveway, leaving behind their shirt used as ersatz toilet paper in the process?

Katherine: why are period pains sooooooooooo painfuuuuuuuulllll?

Freyja: is Richard Dawkins a bigot?

Polly: what purpose did the horns on Viking helmets serve?

Jack: I have my GCSE exams soon and i find it really hard to revise and pay attention in class. How can i change my ways?

Edmund: what are the chords in the ‘I’ve got a question’ jingle?

John: why have hundreds of millions of people bought ‘The Crazy Frog’ ringtone when everyone I have asked (even those who actually have it on their phone!) finds it the most annoying and pointless tune in the world?

Ali: why are estate agents becoming so posh? I live in an area where there are 15 estate agents on one road, and they’re all having makeovers. There are lots of revolving displays of posh houses, shiny new signs outside - one of them even has a bar full of drinks, presumably to make you feel more relaxed or something. I thought we were heading for a recession.

Miguel: I’m Portuguese and I have been surviving in the UK for the past 5 years. In fact I quite enjoy living here so I might stay forever. The one think I have been having trouble with is making good friends. So, Helen and Olly, please answer me this: What is the secret to making good friends in Britain?

EPISODE 43
aired 31st January 2008

Dave: every time someone asks me what my name is, I’ll say “Dave” and 99% of times they will respond with “Hehe Daaaaaaaaaaaaaave!” How can i get people to stop saying Daaaaaaaaaave when I inform them of my name?

James: what is the greatest and best song in the world?

Josh: why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Des: why is the word ‘phonetic’ not spelt phonetically?

Matthew: where does the expression ‘Eat your heart out’ come from?

Sha: I recently was invited to be in the Observer’s ‘Ex Files’ column. The reporter wanted to speak to me and my ex separately about how we got together and what went wrong, then write about it in the national press. Why, why, why would anybody agree to be in that column?

Pratik: Why do people think it’s okay to give you those enormous 5kg tins of Celebrations, Roses, Quality Street etc chocolates as Christmas gifts? The chocolates taste like crap and there’s 5kg of the bollocks!! Why?! I don’t live in a home with fifteen other people…Also, why is one bar of Kinder Bueno never enough?

Eliot: why is every person in a film who happens to be homosexual always have to be ridiculously camp? I’m sure not every gay person is like that, and I can vouch that as a gay I’m not. Why do people keep thinking this is the genuine thing?

Jacquelyne: is it weird that I find myself sexually attracted to Antony Hopkins as Dr Hannibal Lecter? I’m sure I’m not the only one.

Oliver: why do people always sound more attractive than they turn out be when you actually see them for the first time?
Not that your podcast inspired this question.

Sue: I am just about to take my multi-vitamin for the day. Apparently it contains ‘probiotics for today’s hectic lifestyles’, such as ‘diffido bacterium diffidum’ and ‘diffido bacterium longum’. Are these words just bollocks-words, or is it actually doing me some good?

Frank: when weighing herself on the bathroom scales, my wife insists on putting said scales on the carpet on the landing, instead of just the tiled bathroom floor, arguing that cos the carpet is soft she’ll weigh less, so this raises a couple of things:
1. does it make any difference to the result? and
2. what’s the point?

Nick: being by nature a person who always does more than one thing at a time, and now being self-employed in the house on my own, one of the things I like to do is to turn up the volume slightly on my computer and have a soundtracked poo. Needless to say, once a week this soundtrack includes your own podcast. So, my bipartite question is:
a) is this wrong?
b) what sort of things is it acceptable to do whilst answering nature’s bowelcall?

EPISODE 42
aired 24th January 2008

Jonny: if I invited you to my party, would you come?

Jordan: what’s the big deal about pubes?

Josie: I love to call people ‘divs’, but what is the origins of the word ‘div’? Is it offensive?

Eliot: why is there always a nervous or awkward atmosphere when you eat food with your parents?

Will: why do supermarket checkout assistants offer to break my baguettes? It’s my baguette, I’ll break it myself, thanks!

Brendan: I’ve just woken up and realised I’ve slept through my alarm clock. What’s the best excuse for being late to work?

Kirsty: when I went to Live 8, Will Smith did this thing where he got everyone to click every three seconds to represent a child dying every three seconds from poverty. The thousands of people all over the world who were watching the concert put their hands in the air and clicked. Everyone speeded up and ended with a huge round of applause, cheering and general whooping. Why? I counted in the time that we were clicking, over twenty children had died. Everyone seemed over the moon about it. This didn’t make sense to me then and it doesn’t make sense to me now.

Erica: what is the difference between Diet Coke and Coke Zero?

Pete from Norfolk: what is the most famous question ever asked, in your opinion?

EPISODE 41
aired 17th January 2008

John Rutterford: whilst listening to your fabulous show I get on with my job which is cutting down trees, having had my mind taken of the job in hand I proceeded to plunge my chainsaw into my left leg! Can I sue you for being too interesting?

Krabbers: why is it when Mr Ben gets changed, we never get to see his pants? I’ve always wanted to know what kind of pants he wears, I reckon he wears those old string y-fronts.

Dan: why does my mum refuse to give me enough sugar in my coffee? I ask for 3 teaspoons full, she refuses by saying “2 is more than enough.” Thus the reason why I never accept a hot beverage off my mother.

Des: would it really be wrong to punch slow walking people in the back of the head?

Will: the internet has destroyed my concentration-span. How can I get it back?

Giovanna: is there some scientific reason why evergreens and pines are similar in scent to cat pee?

Asher: on Christmas day me and my sister were very ill and the next day i had very bad indigestion. We think of ourselves as Jewish Atheists, as in we are Jewish because our mother is and that we do not believe in god. Could this illness be a result of God punishing us for not believing? or even celebrating Christmas when we are Jewish?

Dewi: why does the phrase “You have GOT to see this…” ruin any film that anyone wants me to see? The same thing happens with books (“You have GOT to read this novel…”). For example, I was with some friends a couple of years ago, and I asked for suggestions for good books to read. One of them suggested The Magus by John Fowles. “You have GOT to read this book – it’s the best novel ever written.” Well, I read it, and found the whole thing rather adolescent. Another example is The Shawshank Redemption. A different friend said it was their favourite film. “You have GOT to see it!” Well, I saw it, but was overwhelmingly under-impressed. Is it just that my subconscious is bloody-minded, and won’t let me enjoy anything that I’m being ORDERED to do?

George: I’ve been told that I’m a very funny guy, and that I have a great personality, I also have a lot of friends that are girls. The thing is, before Christmas I developed a crush on one of these chums; we were very close friends at the time, we could tell each other anything, so I told her. Her immediate response was that I was a friend and that she knew it was a cheesy overused line but she didn’t want to ruin our relationship. Then she told me that she wasn’t sure. 2 weeks later i got the original answer again. My first idea was, being a 10st fifteen-year-old (and it ain’t muscle) it would be kinda hard to see me in that way, but when asking other female friends about this, they told me I had a great personality, but that is why I think I’m in “the friend zone”. So Helen and Olly, answer me this: if you have a good personality, how do you get a gal to like you without getting into the friend zone?

Alex, Matt and Dave: we are currently in a car on the Severn Bridge. Why do you have to pay to get into Wales but not to get out again? Also, what’s your favourite service station snack? Ours is the Ginsters Pasty.

Lily: why do people (mostly my friends) have a vendetta against the clothing brand Jack Wills? I love it, although it is very expensive. It is viewed by my friends as ’sloaney’, and that, by wearing it I am a ‘woane’ (wannabe sloane) and that I am ’succumbing to the pressures of a materialistic society’. All my friends tend to be a little depressing and not materialistic at all, unlike all the mega-rich people-who-i-wouldn’t-really-count-as-friends who are in my class. They all wear Jack Wills with careless abandon. (by rich i mean RICH - three people have private jets, seven have maids, one has a chef, all of them live in belgravia. the tales i could tell about their richness…) My friends show their hate of Jack Wills by actually kicking me in my very expensive sweat pants. I have bruises. How do I make them stop?

EPISODE 40
aired 6th December 2007

Barrie the tinytrucker: which is better, cremation or burial?

Doug: who was the best Dr Who?

Sophie: who would make the perfect Dr Who assistant?

Cherry: why the hell do I fancy a guy only after one of my lesser close friends is going out with them? Before they started going out, I never noticed him; now I think he is really hot and can’t stop looking at him.

Dovy: do you think there is life on other planets?

Stuart: why on earth is burlesque coming back, and what can be done to stop it?

Jason: are Innocent smoothies, especially the Breakfast Thickie variety, actually healthy for me, or am I being suckered by The Machine controlled by The Man?

EPISODE 39
aired 29th November 2007

Barrie the tinytrucker: why is fart humour so funny?

Laura: why are supermarket own-brand wet wipes called “baby wipes” when most of the people using them aren’t babies?

Josie: my mother sends me things constantly in the post which are inappropriate – for example CDs of Danielle Steele adaptations from the Daily Mail. How can I tactfully explain that I never want to receive another Daily Mail package in my entire life?

Michael: why does Hollywood insist on ruining interesting, original films by cutting and editing them according to a moronic, drooling test audience?

David: a friend and I were having a debate about what would be better to lose - your voice or your penis and balls. One thing that came up in this serious quandary was that eunuchs, according to history, always have high-pitch voices as a result of their lack of sacks. Why have a voice and no nuts when you end up sounding like a wedgied choirboy?

Harry: what the fuck is up with the French language? Why do they have to have five ways to say a table?

Alex: why do shops offering key-cutting services invariably also offer shoe repair?

EPISODE 38
aired 22nd November 2007

Adam Spratt: which character from which novel do you see yourselves and each other as being?

Dovy: why is the number 13 so unlucky?????

Holly: what happened to Macy Gray?

Clare: as someone who is generally in favour if niceness and equality for everyone, who should I be rooting for in the battle for the Democratic nomination: women or black people?

Matt: Aafter my post-uni plans went arse over tit I have been forced to take a job in a call centre. It is situated in the centre of Glasgow so the range of places to buy lunch from is extensive; however most the members of staff who are from countries where Mcdonald’s/Subway etc are not as ubiquitous are utterly obsessed with the Western junk food outlets and buy lunch from them every single day. Just what is it that makes people so excited to try, and then find enjoyable, ground up cow sphincter?

Jonny: is it free to Skype question line?
What is the point of the imaginary number “i”? I have been doing homework on it and i cannot see the point of its existence! How can you use it in real life?

Stuart: do you make any money out of the podcast?

EPISODE 37
aired 15th November 2007

Billy from Featherstone: in your opinion, what is the greatest weapon of all time in any video game?

Alex: why is love so hard? Also why are girls so hard to read emotionally?

Robin: where did hip-hop go wrong?

Tom: when people watch movies based on prisons or correctional institutes (Shawshank Redemption, Mean Machine, Scum and countless others) we are induced into liking inmates (or at least most of them) who have supposedly done wrong in society and then we are made to despise the prison officers who are given the tough job of controlling these people. Am I meant to feel sorry for these people that have ended up in in prison?

Polly: what is the role of ball bearings in a bicycle?

Marcus: what makes poo so smelly?

Holly: how have some branches of wimpy survived for all these years? I thought the chain closed down?

Jon: how do you get an audio file onto a rss file to make it a podcast?

Will: why do I get headaches in stormy weather?

Hugo: my girlfriend and I spent £17.50 on food while at the cinema this week. Is this a record?

Ali: why does the programme The Weakest Link exist?

Holly: does the phrase ‘he who smelt it dealt it’ stand up in a court of law?

Ying: why do people fancy cheese so much when I don’t fancy it at all?

Jonny: how on earth do we know that we actually exist?

EPISODE 36
aired 8th November 2007

Alex: why do we get hot ears?

Sam: why do women remove their body hair and men don’t?

Anna: Is there a reason that at least 20% of all the girls who are 16 this year are called Sophie, when three years ago there weren’t any and they were all called Kayleigh?

Polly: would the guards outside Buckingham Palace be more efficient if they looked in different directions?

Dan: have you ever noticed that whenever some little scrote gets caught by a person of authority for doing something that they shouldn’t be doing, there reply to any question is ‘I didn’t do nothing’? ‘I didn’t do nothing’ is clearly an expression of guilt because if you didn’t do nothing then it was clearly something you were doing, it being a double negative and all.

Pappy’s Fun Club: can we come on your show?

EPISODE 35
aired 1st November 2007

Anna: a log flume has been erected at the end of my road. Is it wrong to really really want to have a go? I am 30 in six months’ time.

Polly: is being a careers officer actually not a very good career in itself?

Jim: why is rosé wine generally considered a ladies’ drink?

Adam Spratt: how can a person be beside themselves, as in ‘he was beside himself with grief/anger’?

Wendy: why are there 360 degrees in a circle? Wouldn’t it be more logical for there to be 100, and divide it up that way? 360 seems a rather random number to me.

Chris: how the fuck do you get out of the Crystal Palace Maze?

EPISODE 34
aired 25th October 2007

Doug: I notice that you are giving Martin the Sound Man more airtime. Is he going to turn into one of those sidekicks who steals the show, like Sideshow Bob or Diddy Kong or Fall Out Boy or even Yoshi from Super Mario World?

Barbara from Dumfriesshire: what causes ladies of a certain age to suddenly start sprouting awful thick hairs - especially white ones which are a bugger to pluck out!? I am told it is stress, hormones (too many, too few). I am a victim of this awful “disease” and have tried everything from plucking, bleaching, buffing, electrolosis; but, at last, the most costly cure of all has hit me! LASER!! To get all my fuzz orf my face will cost me around a grand; please reassure me that this treatment will be worth it - I just feel so bloody guilty at spending such a fortune.

Nick: on sandwich-packets they never, ever mention that there’s a slice of raw, evil, Satan’s vomit tomato in the middle. Why the hell is that?

Ali: I hate children, and never plan to have any. Whenever I tell anyone this, they feel it is their duty to convert me into a child-lover, and lecture me on the ‘joys of parenthood’. I REALLY hate kids, and would prefer to have lots of dogs - when I tell people this they usually think I’m a bit mad, and try even harder to convert me (ie, bore me to tears with stories about pregnancy and babies). Do you have any tactics to help me deal with these annoying fuckers? I have considered telling people I’m infertile, but I don’t want to have lots of awkward conversations about IVF and have to pretend that I really want kids.

Vincenzo: where’s the pride in London Pride?

EPISODE 33
aired 18th October 2007

Hugo: would you rather have an upside-down nose or ears on your cheeks?

Phil (13): even though some English people say I look older than I am, I definitely don’t look 18. So why do Americans think I am 18, while English people think I’m 14?

Holly: why is it bad luck to say ‘Macbeth’ in the theatre, and where does this tradition come from?

Frances: is it normal for practically all the air to escape from my bike tyres when I unscrew the pump, or am I just really bad at inflating my tyres?

Rachel: why do some women feel it is acceptable public toilet etiquette to squeeze one out whilst making all manner of sighing and straining noises, when all that is separating them from another human being is a 2cm-thick partition with a gap at the top and bottom?

Nico: I’ve been listening to your podcast a lot recently, but while listening I find myself unable to concentrate on other tasks, like reading magazines or surfing the internet. I like to call this state of mind ‘podcastinating’. So answer me this: what do you think of my new word?

EPISODE 32
aired 11th October 2007

Beth: what is it about facts that makes them so incredibly interesting and exciting to some people but completely uninteresting and dull to others? Is this ambivalence learned, innate or for show?

Nico: what does snot smell like? What do teeth taste like?

Jenny: why is it that sometimes you get an itch and no matter how much you scratch it, it won’t go away?

Holly: where does the word ’sub’ come from, as in ‘cheese and salami sub’?

Polly: why can’t I stop myself from reading the Daily Mail online, and do they get more money every time I do so? I would never buy a paper copy, so am I being unethical?

EPISODE 31
aired 4th October 2007

Sarah: how and why did high heels ever become a fashion item?

Clare: what is the worst thing that a stranger could find in your bin?

Dan: a friend and I were once discussing techniques for asking out people we fancied once. We arrived at the idea of turning up outside the house of one’s desired girl/boy dressed in an animal suit, before asking them out in costume. The idea is/was to move their heart by emphasising your willingness to suffer ridicule for them. And to give them a giggle I suppose. Helen, as a woman, please answer me this: is the animal suit idea (a) stupid, or (b) inspired? Also, which animal would be most alluring?

James: why can’t Microsoft Office products do similar things in the same way?

EPISODE 30
aired 27th September 2007

Nathan: during a recent Cluedo game my over-competitive side kicked-in. How do I control this as the resulting flurry of facial tics seems to disturb my fellow Cludites?

Robert from Dumfriesshire: when I was at school, we had to stand up when a teacher entered the class. Does this still happen and what are the origins of this tradition?

Benjamin Partridge: Why do foreign tourists go the fake Globe theatre on London’s South Bank? A couple of weeks ago I went to see Othello there and it was obvious that half the audience had no English at all. When I go to a foreign country I don’t go to see long wordy plays in a language I can’t speak, especially not in a version of that language that was spoken over 400 years ago! While I’m pleased that they’ve chosen London as a tourist destination, why don’t they go somewhere more useful, like the Trocadero centre?

Toria: regarding David Cameron saying he’s ‘pro-family’ - what would that really mean? Is anyone anti-family?

Brendan: what the hell is that in the sink after using Dentyl mouthwash? Am I to believe the product’s claims that it is the “causes of bad breath & plaque”, or is it in fact dissolving the inside of my head?

EPISODE 29
aired 20th September 2007

Kimon: Helen, like you I have an unusual surname. Unlike you, I also have an unusual first name, and often book restaurants under an assumed name to save spelling my name on the phone, which I think is ok. However recently I have also started using an assumed name when meeting people I suspect I might not see again. Is this likely to get me into trouble?

Hugo: recently I received a soaking courtesy of a rain shower while cycling to work. My top was fine, but I had forgotten waterproof trousers, so I bought some replacements and left my own trousers to dry at work. At the end of the day, I took the new trousers back for a refund. Is this morally wrong, or am I justified in my actions?

Ali: what do you think the next reality/horror tv show will make a load of idiots do for a bit of money?

Vince: was John Major a sexy Y-front boy or was he just misunderstood?

Robert from Dumfriesshire: Helen, you know those “crazy” fluffy jesters hats seen at festivals and soccer matches? Have you ever owned one? Not wanting to stereotype, but you just seem the type.

Philip: why the hell am I listening to Rihanna, Umbrella? And why do I have it on my computer anyway????? And come to think of it, why do I have Gwen Stefani on there as well???????? HELP NEEDED!!!!!!

EPISODE 28
aired 16th August 2007

Sasha: my dad wants to know why it costs at least ten pounds for a pizza which is really made of bread when you can get a whole bucket of chicken for the same price?

Polly: why did men stop wearing nightshirts?

Jo: what’s the scariest or most disturbing fairy tale?

Dovy: why do you hate sport so much? Are there any sports you do like?

Neal: can popcorn count as one of your five fruit and veg a day?

Angela: why is there so much rain?

Jonny: how much money do you need to earn before you become too rich and you lose all your friends?

Holly: is there really no such thing as a free lunch? Polly: is Jeremy Kyle a redeemable human being?

Polly: does the moon influence madness, violence and my menstrual cycle?

Izzy: what kind of leisure activities could be employed when trying to stick to a budget of £30 a week?

Nicki: what if the Hokey Cokey is really what it’s all about?

Charlie: what are those things called that you use to separate your shopping from someone else’s on the supermarket checkout conveyor?

Penny: who was Flamin’ Nora?

Hugo: what is the difference between Blu-tack and White Tack?

Helen: if a car battery is so large, how big would that of a plane be?

Dan: why is the hard shoulder of a motorway called ‘the hard shoulder’?

EPISODE 27
aired 9th August 2007

Anonymous: why are we so mental?

Jonny: why are our brains in our heads? Wouldn’t it make more sense if the brain swapped places with the stomach?

Mark: is it better to be wined and dined or pubbed and laid?

The Big Question: how did the world begin?

Polly: is it OK to walk through tourists’ photos if you’re in a hurry?

Matt: what is the attraction of toys that piss?

EPISODE 26
aired 2nd August 2007

Nathan the Work Experience: how can I impress people at interviews?

Robert from Dumfriesshire: why is it that when irresponsible people that blare out music at unacceptable levels (either in a car or at a drunken barbeque) said music is always shit? Generally mid 90s crap house or some Mary J Blige random warbling. You never hear Dvorak or Rufus Wainwright.

Miranda: how can I stop everyone I’ve ever met bugging me to join Facebook?

Polly: what are your top ten most indifferent things ever?

Jason: what is best for getting the grass stains out of the arse of my shorts and just what is the brown stain next to it?

EPISODE 25
aired 26th July 2007

Hamish: is Irn Bru really made out of girders, and if so, how do they get them in the can?

Jesca: why does every Channel 5 documentary make me want to kill myself?

Tommy: should brothers and sisters be allowed to marry? Obviously they shouldn’t really have children; but if they’re not hurting anyone and are consenting adults, should other people feeling icky about it stop them from getting together?

Holly: has YouTube effectively eaten You’ve Been Framed?

Polly: why do otherwise competent men not realise that Freemasonry is a pile of bollocks?

Mark: is it actually hygienic to drink your own piss? I know people say it’s sterile, and other people say it’s good for you, but surely if it’s a waste product you shouldn’t be drinking it again?

EPISODE 24
aired 19th July 2007

Ali: is food the way to a man’s heart, and if so what’s a good meal to cook for a bloke you’re about to give bad news to?

Anna: I have just spent 8 hours staring at the backs of heads of eighty-two English literature students and not even been allowed to read or draw or anything and now I think I may have gone completely mad. I am NEVER EVER agreeing to invigilate exams again. So answer me this, Helen and Olly, and perhaps make me feel better about getting myself into another fine employment-based mess: what is the worst job you have ever had to do?

John: why is it that people from France are French, people from Germany are German, but people from Holland are Dutch?

Dovy: how can I pass the school holidays enjoyably?

Ann: is a good actor a good liar?

EPISODE 23
aired 12th July 2007

Nick: in today’s state of being constantly aware of potentially offending any race, religion or social group, is the fact that I’m eating a ham bagel going a step too far in anti-semitism?

Ann: why is it that contestants on X-Factor and shows of this ilk can’t see that they have absolutely no talent and are in complete shock when this is pointed out to them?

Penny: when I was first on the internets, many years ago, a friend and I played a game where we looked on a (pre-Google) search engine for amusing things to see if they would turn up. Most of these things were sexual and did indeed return links. Man having sex with a goat on fire. Woman shagging an eel (there was video, it was nasty). We couldn’t find anyone making love to an owl, though. The internet is now a lot bigger and scarier. Does owl bestiality porn exist? Please do the research I can’t bring myself to do.

The Big Question: why do bad things happen to good people?

Jon: I’m currently in Incheon airport in Korea, halfway to Australia. I’m already pretty jeg-lagged and its only going to get worse with the next leg. What’s the best thing to do to avoid having a psychotic episode due to simply not understanding what the utter motherfuck is going on and, if said episode were deemed to be unavoidable, what would be your air-rage mental-protest of choice?

EPISODE 22
aired 5th July 2007

Hugo: how can I recreate the festival atmosphere in my office, given the fact that I’m not going to any real festivals this year?

Jonathan: should people feel it is ok to launch a personal attack if following the sentence ‘Don’t be offended, but…’?

Tom: this afternoon I went for a nap at work, and I found myself having a vaguely erotic dream in which I was lying in bed between Helen and Martin the Sound Man, and they were fondling me. So please answer me this: is the word ‘fondle’ always sexual, or is it possible to fondle something without sexual connotations?

Polly: why do news programmes cover sport?

EPISODE 21
aired 28th June 2007

Fran: why doesn’t my energising shower gel make me feel in the least bit energised? Have I fallen prey to some “advertising guru”?

Puppet Head: at Piccadilly Square, while walking along at ‘London Speed’ in a crowd, Jennifer was singled out by a gentleman from about 20 yards away. Said gentleman rushed over and handed Jennifer a pamphlet, which advertised a tourist attraction. How did the man know that Jennifer was a tourist? Nothing about her dress would have led to that conclusion….so how did he know?

Annie from Switzerland: how do I politely inform my neighbour (whom I hardly know at all) that the apartment block we live in is not soundproof and I can hear her having very loud sex?

Jonathan: what’s is the best game to play on long car journeys?

Clare: early 90s Scottish band Airhead put it best when they sang “Funny how the girls you fall in love with never fancy you. Funny how the ones you don’t, do”. Helen and Olly - why is this so often the case?

Josh: why do people care what shape pasta they eat?

EPISODE 20
aired 21st June 2007

Tim Scullion: my new pop group Hong Kong In The 60s have our first ever gig on the 29th of June at the Good Ship in Kilburn. We are a new band and are largely friendless, so how can we avoid the manager’s wrath by filling the venue with nice people?

Nick: where does the word, or maybe even the substance, “muesli” come from? I can’t imagine a culture where all that oat and rusk crap is so readily available, and would come up with a word like “muesli”.

Jonathan: Olly, which of the following would you marry, which would you have sex with and which would you push off a cliff? Dr Gillian McKeith, Christine Hamilton and Cheryl Baker. Helen, your three are… Garry Bushell, Roy Chubby Brown and Bill Oddie.

Helen: where did you come up with the idea for the podcast? Was it just a random conversation that turned into more? My friend and I were considering branching out into the audio world, so any tips on how to start?

EPISODE 19
aired 14th June 2007

Anna: living in a shared house, I find the only opportunity to listen to music far too loud is via a personal stereo on the way to and from work. I often enjoy a little walk-dance, a hop, skip and jump up onto a curb, and an occasional arm gesture. How much walk-dancing is too much?

Fran: what do ice-cream men do in winter?

Dave and Jo: if your partner died during sex, would it be rude to finish?

Phil: Can electricity be held down by gravity?

Polly: if dolphins are so intelligent and gentle, do they look after less able dolphins, and, if so, have they become a bit immune to natural selection?

EPISODE 18
aired 7th June 2007

Mark: If offered a mainstream radio show, would you reject it to stay ‘underground’?

Neal: What is a Facebook?

Helen: Who is Larry? What has occurred to make him so happy?

Jonny: How can we prove that the world is round?

EPISODE 17
aired 3rd May 2007

Nick: why is this nobwit talking about his bowels so loudly on the train?

Robert from Southend: what is the point of people announcing they have ‘Baby On Board’?

Hugo: what is the point of everyone from the National Lottery to pub quizmasters saying ‘Good luck’ to everyone who participates? Surely that utterly defeats the idea of wishing anyone luck in the first place?

Anna: is it ever a good idea to run away with the circus?

EPISODE 16
aired 26th April 2006

Annie from Switzerland: why oh why do the French translate easy film titles - eg ‘Music and Lyrics’ = Le Comeback, ‘Coyote Ugly’ = Coyote Girls, etc - and then fail to translate the really complicated ones, eg ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’?

Benjamin Partridge: is Bremen in Germany a weird place to want to go on holiday?

Mark: when sitting in a cafe in India, I was surprised to hear people openly discussing their bowel movements in indescribably frank detail. When does it become acceptable to discuss the otherwise unacceptable like it’s the weather?

Ali: is the Top 40, particularly Radio 1, fixed or not?

Robert from Southend: why does Helen, who we know not to be a lesbian, sound like one?

EPISODE 15
aired 19th April 2007

Ben: I was just clearing my spam folder and, as usual, was confronted by the usual penis enlargement emails. As I am such an innocent, and am scared to click on such links, how on earth do they enlarge penis girth by 20%?

Russell: do devil worshippers, when they die, get sent to heaven or hell?

The Puppet Head: why can’t I quit smoking?

Will: when I was at school, I was taught that towns that end in -cester, -chester or -caster were named that way by the Romans. If this is the case, why aren’t cities in Italy or other parts of the former Roman Empire also named things like ‘Worcester’ or ‘Winchester’ or ‘Doncaster’?

Jonny: Are computers about to take control of the human race?

Polly: Will sherry ever be fashionable?

Colin: Is pay as you go road tax the answer?

Whoop Whoo: Why did Tom Cruise ever bother to become an actor?

Russell: Why don’t international novels get several translations like plays do in theatre?

Sarah: If oranges are called oranges because they’re orange then why are more fruits not named after their colour?

Jonny: Are we all gonna die? David: What is the best language for swearing in?

Richard: Is there really a ghost on the Kennington loop, and, if so, who is he/she?

Polly: What’s the difference between ‘learnt’ and ‘learned’?

Tom: In all the photos of Keith Moon I have ever seen he has an oddly surprised look. Why do you think this is, perhaps a side effect of the buckets of illicit substances he was ingesting?

Waleed: Why is the husband of a countess, who directly outranks a viscount, and presumably once ruled a county, called an Earl?

Adam: When you learn something new, does your brain have to forget something else in order to accommodate the new memory?

Olly to Helen: can I buy a young person’s railcard the day before my 26th birthday?

Helen to Olly: what never fails to make you happy?

EPISODE 14
aired 12th April 2007

Polly: why do conversations about baby names always go on much longer than other boring and speculative conversations?

Nick: why do you never see the Three Musketeers with a musket? In popular representations, they always fight with what I suspect to be rapiers.

Chip: what’s the deal with washing-up bowls? Is there something wrong with putting the plug in and filling up the kitchen sink? I can understand it if your sink’s massive; but if the bowl fits pretty snugly into it, what’s the point?

Anna: with the recent world domination of the internet, is there any need for the Yellow Pages any more? What alternative uses could we put it to?

Tom: why do I still have nightmares that I’m in school and late for a lesson, despite the fact that I left school almost nine years ago and was rarely, if ever, late for a lesson?

Olly to Helen: what’s the worst work experience you’ve ever had?

Helen to Olly: does anyone really believe in the Lynx Effect?

EPISODE 13
aired 5th April 2007

Rick: where do people find time in their day to sit around listening to podcasts? Are your entire audience students who have gracefully forsaken Neighbours to listen to you for a bit instead?

Lauren: why do rappers change their names to release songs, eg Snoop Dogg and 50 Cent? Shaggy’s real name - Orville - was fine for me! I’m sick of hearing what stupid name they’re going to come up with next when, in fact, ‘Martin’ would have done.

Nick: why do people consistently repeat things that are patently wrong? Why are people much more inclined to believe something their friends tell them, rather than something that actually makes sense?

Jonny: what’s the difference between nuclear fission and fusion, apart from the spelling?

Emma: what’s the best way to go about finding a suitable soulmate?

Nick (not the same Nick as above): my friend Zac has a big spot problem; what would you suggest to cure him?

Helen to Olly: why do I hate clapping so?

Olly to Helen: is breakfast really the most important meal of the day?

EPISODE 12
aired 29th March 2007

Miranda: who’s your favourite serial killer of all time and why?

Tim: what’s the optimal length for a handshake?

Josie: I love to write on my hands, and have done so for about fifteen years now. What damage am I actually doing to myself?

Jesca: why is age discrimination against the young acceptable?

BK: why is the smell of your own (one’s own, not yours specifically) farts generally much less offensive than other people’s?

Amy: when you are doing Answer Me This!, does it feel like when you were 10 and you made tapes where you pretended you were doing a radio show?

EPISODE 11
aired 22nd March 2007

Rosie: why did people invent emoticons?

Lauren: why is my mum scared of gay men and lesbians?

Erin: why is it that the slowest drivers on the road always end up in the fast lane going twenty miles an hour, and when you’re in a hurry you always get stuck behind them?

Katie: why do embarrassing recollections make it difficult to sleep?

Olly to Helen: do I have some sort of brain damage rendering me unable to concentrate upon sports news reports?

Helen to Olly: why is Joss Stone’s new album called Introducting Joss Stone when it’s her third album?

EPISODE 10
aired 14th March 2007

Tom: why has [sic!] my cupboard have sand in it?

Jack: why are you always mean to Martin the Sound Man?

Polly: why is holding music always really crackly, even when the company is a telecommunications expert?

Jonny: why don’t we paint all the grey squirrels red?

Anna: why am I unable to successfully buy shoes without my mother being there?

Nattan: where do chairs come from?

Olly to Helen: why do I keep self-harming?

Helen to Olly: is it unladylike and unseemly for me to swear all the time?

EPISODE 9 - Food Special
aired 8th March 2007

Becky: I bought a red pepper in Sainsbury’s not long ago, and there was a little Sainsbury’s sticker on it that said: “Red Pepper: as seen on TV”. What could this sticker possibly be referring to?

Polly: how does popcorn work?

Jonny: does eating crusts make your hair curly?

Angela: when having afternoon tea with friends, is it appropriate to cut off the crusts of the sandwiches or (as they are friends) would it be acceptable to leave them on?

Hugo: in order to eat a banana, most people seem to partly peel it and use the skin as a holding device. I, however, skin the whole thing before I start scoffing my face. Is this wrong?

Ben: as we all get stuck in food loops (ie buying almost the same food each week and just making the same meals on different days), what is the strangest food loop that either of you have ever been stuck in?

Helen and Olly to audience: what crazy food loops have YOU had, where you ate the same things for weeks on end?

EPISODE 8
aired 1st March 2007

Charlie: how do people with bad BO not notice how smelly they are?

Nicola: am I a bad person for not being very fond of the Beatles, and what is the most overrated song ever?

Sam: when, if ever, is it alright to use ‘whom’?

Doug: is it normal for a goldfish to be able to survive on dry land for so long, or is my fish slightly more evolved than others?

Steve: why and when did humans stop evolving?

Olly’s Mum: why are so many people saying “Take care”?

Olly to Helen: what with Red Nose Day coming up, how much can I raise for Comic Relief by selling my unwanted Sainsbury’s Basics Christmas Pudding on ebay?

Helen to Olly: how can I reclaim handicrafts from the Guardian’s attempts to make them hip and cool?

EPISODE 7
aired 22nd February 2007

Jonny: what is the most embarrassing name you can think of? Annabel: is Humpty Dumpty really an egg?

Penny: why is urinal cake pineapple-flavoured? And do you know anyone who has ever used a curry-flavoured condom or a vibrator purchased from a pub vending machine?

Dave and Jo: what does ’sic’ mean when journalists use it to try and be really clever in newspapers?

Olly’s Aunty Ann: why do British people say ’sorry’ when they nearly bump into someone in the street - is it that we are polite, or frightened?

Jamie Madge: why do you get a runny nose whilst eating spicy food?

Helen to Olly: what can we do to stop the podcast ruining our friendship?

Olly to Helen: did I do the right thing in spending £140 on a pair of pillows?

Helen and Olly to audience: have you got a weird physical reaction to eating or drinking a product?

EPISODE 6
aired 15th February 2007

Miranda: when you write it, what will your autobiography be called?

Anna: why, in American TV programmes, does the last - and only last - actor get billed as ‘So-and-so as So-and-so’, when everyone else just gets their real name and no further clarification?

Nick: knitting looks really complicated, but you see old ladies doing it all the time - a demographic not known for their concentration abilities. What the hell?

Hugo: if you woke up one day and everyone had disappeared, what would be the first thing you’d do in your brave and lonely new world?

Paul: why do all girls hate me?

Becky: why does everyone like cats so much, when they always scratch and bite you?

Olly to Helen: why do my sneezes smell so bad?

Helen to Olly: why can’t I get anything done without an immediate deadline?

EPISODE 5
aired 8th February 2007

Kins: How can I treat a flaky scalp?

Miranda: How long is it acceptable or polite to keep birthday cards displayed after the big day?

Nick: Why do I keep getting colds?

Katie: Why do American dollars smell of money, and how do they achieve this?

Ken Mustard: Isn’t the Comet Sale a particularly sneaky way of selling off space debris?

Eloise: Why does Vegemite taste so revoltingly different to Marmite, and yet people insist that it is the same thing?

Helen to Olly: Why is it that you can be looking fine a fraction of a second before someone takes a photo of you, but always look terrible in the photo itself?

Olly to Helen: Do I smell like a public convenience?

Helen and Olly to audience: What absurdly sexual cocktail names have you seen lately?

EPISODE 4
aired 25th January 2007

Ben: Was the wheel really such a clever invention?

Olly’s dad: Why do you need to tip?

Holly: Why are wisdom teeth called wisdom teeth?

Tommy: Do your aunts and uncles continue to send you a tenner each Christmas, despite you now being in your mid-twenties? Have you begun to feel guilty about never getting them anything?

Bianca: Why are aunties compelled to comment on the natural progress of a child’s growth?

Polly: Why don’t Radio 4 play something a little more rousing than ‘Sailing By’ before the Shipping Forecast?

Olly to Helen: Have you heard the Lloyd’s TSB advert on commercial radio?

Helen to Olly: Why do people make such a fuss about whether the toilet seat is left up?

EPISODE 3
aired 18th January 2007

David Goo: in this day and age, do you think it is more beneficial to be deaf than capable of hearing?

Kins: Why don’t people curtsey any more?

Hugo: Do spaceships have windscreen wipers?

Ali: What is the best way to deal with chuggers (charity muggers) without hitting them (and other randoms who ask about your hair/if you’ve visited a dentist recently)?

Nadia: How can i humanely catch a mouse without a mousetrap?

Holly: Why are people referred to as ‘late’ when they’re dead?

Olly to Helen: What is the point of, and does anyone actually like, Christmas Pudding?

Helen to Olly: How can I earn money?

EPISODE 2
aired 11th January 2007

Clare: What really is the best thing since sliced bread?

Amy: Why is New Year’s Eve always such a let-down?

Brendy: What’s the difference between ‘flammable’ and ‘inflammable’?

Alistair: If God is a DJ, life is a dancefloor and love is the rhythm, how on earth did ‘You’ come to be the music?

Alicky: If you took your intestines out, how far would they stretch?

Hugo: What’s your favourite fact? Why is it that while people will happily eat any type of food for lunch and dinner, breakfast is restricted to a fry-up or cereal?

Helen to Olly: What should I do instead of ironing if I don’t like ironing?

Olly to Helen: Does pomegranate and apple-flavour Sparky Superjuice taste of fish?

Helen and Olly to audience: What’s the oddest place you’ve listened to Answer Me This! podcast?

EPISODE 1
aired 2nd January 2007

Claire: Why, when I am constipated, am I unable to think of anything else?

Alistair: Do you believe in life after love?

Mr Smeam: Why did eugenics go out of fashion so suddenly?

Karen: How can I explain to the vast majority of people, without seeming anal or rude, that the code for London is not 0207 or 0208 but 020 and has been for nearly 7 years so they really should have got the hang of it by now, especially as they seem otherwise rational and intelligent?

Luke: How can one achieve respectability with the minimum of fuss?

Leander: Why was The Truth About Cats And Dogs not a bigger success?

Greg: Why is it I feel like I am part of the birth of something exciting? Have you now solved your sound problem from before, where Oliver sounded a lot further away from the mic than Helen?

Olly to Helen: What should be in the Answer Me This! mission statement? Helen to

Olly: Who left me an answerphone message at 6.27am on 17th December 2006?

Helen and Olly to the audience: How did Helen get a bruise shaped like a cock and balls on her arm? —

Subscribe with iTunes // Archive Jukebox // Email us a question