We Answered These! QUESTION ARCHIVE

Answer Me This! would be nothing without your wonderful QUESTIONS, submitted by email, phone and Skype. These are the eclectic inquiries which have made it to air so far. May there be many more!

225 questions answered this year!
985 questions answered since AMT!P began!

EPISODE 98
aired 4th June 2009

Sarah and Michael in Melbourne: our housemate is a complete knob-end and is constantly doing things like:
Taking the bigger bedroom even though he doesn’t have to share with someone like we do,
Bringing his bitch girlfriend around,
Using up all the hot water,
Trimming his beard over the bathroom vanity and NOT CLEANING AWAY THE HAIR,
Bugging us about money that isn’t rightfully his,
Leaving dirty dishes and cutlery in his room for weeks, including my (Sarah’s) Beatles mug,
And just generally being a self-important twat.
Drawing on your collective wealth of life experience, how can we get back at him aside from the obvious having sex very loudly?

David from Handforth: why does golf bring out the worst in people?

William in Cambridge: I have an ex-girlfriend who I was with for 2 years. We weren’t friends before we went out but we stayed good friends when we broke up and talk all the time. We haven’t met up much as we now live other ends of the country because we’re both at uni. Tomorrow she is arriving to stay at mine for “a few days”, I have no idea how long this means so Helen and Olly answer me this, is it a good idea to have her stay in my room a few days bearing in mind I only see her as a friend and how many is “a few days”?

David from Durham: I was recently at a Kristin Hersh gig where she told the audience a little story about the writing of my favourite song by her, ‘Gazebo Tree’. However, the story she told was totally different from one I’d heard her tell about the same song at a gig a couple of years back. Answer me this: does it matter where the song came from, in fact is the origin of any song of great importance, or should I just accept the story I liked best and ignore the other one?

Acatia: after my A-level exams, at the end of June, I’m going off to Scarborough for a week with some friends. They all happen to be skinny as a skinny thing, unlike myself, and so I have decided to go on a diet just so that I don’t look like the incredible blob next to them should we manage to get ourselves into a swimming costume at any point! Could you please answer me this:
a) Why is it that as soon as I go onto a diet, all I can think of is chocolate brownies, chocolate bars and white bread? I don’t normally think about those things at all!
b) How do I avoid eating myself into an early grave during my study leave, which is about 6 weeks! I’m going to be in a house with loads of junk food that I MUST NOT EAT!!!

Amy from London: what does B&Q stand for?

Lew from the Czech Republic: on rollercoasters these days there is always a digital camera which takes a picture of you at the scariest moment. Do they spoil the fun for you? I now find myself trying to control my features instead of screaming like a girl, and I end up with an expression which makes makes me look like I’m trying to keep in a really powerful fart. Do you try to compose your features on rollercoasters these days?

Francis from Northern Ireland: what does your appendix actually do? If it does nothing what is its purpose?

Leila in Medford, MA: I am a Muslim, and I know a moderate amount of Arabic. When I see romanized Arabic words, sometimes they have apostrophes in them (i.e. Qur’an, al Qa’ida). Maybe it’s because I’m bad at Arabic, but I don’t see their point. So answer me this: what is the purpose of apostrophes in romanized Arabic words?
I failed to find anyone who had a proficient knowledge of both English and Arabic, and therefore could answer my question. (My mosque’s imam included.) Honestly, my next best bet was this.

Beth from West Sussex: why is it that when women want bigger boobs they have to get a boob job but when male to female transsexuals want to grow boobies they just have to take pills? Surely the pills would work for ladies too? Do doctors just not like women?

Tom from Southport: does Cat Woman eat Cat Food?

Andy from Essex: yesterday was my birthday (turned 24). As a treat, I had a meal out with my family and my sister’s boyfriend. I went to TGI Fridays (why, I have no idea!). The plan was not to mention it was my birthday, but I heard that they make you stand on a chair and sing to you. My sister’s boyfriend “accidentally” let it slip it was my birthday and because of that, I sat throughout the evening, embarrassed and hoping that I could escape. Not gonna happen. I had balloons tied to my wrists, had to stand up, was sung “Happy Birthday” and had to eat a brownie with hands behind my back. it was one of those evenings where I wished the ground would swallow me whole. So, answer me this you amazing people, where did the term “want the ground to swallow me whole” comes from? And when was the last time you wanted this to happen to you?

EPISODE 97
aired 28th May 2009

Connor from Scotland: I just wanted to say thanks for the advice you gave me in episode 95. I took your advice but unfortunately my ex doesn’t have a sister, so this morning I asked out her cousin. We’re going to see a movie at the weekend; what movies (that are at the cinema right now) are good for guys and girls to watch and have you ever been on a date to the movies? If so how did it go? Please dont do what every other twat I’ve asked so far has done and recommend Angels and Demons. That falls under the category of one of those movies you don’t need to watch to know that it’s shit.

Alastair, concerned in London: I recently listened with interest to the multiple egg references in episodes 94 and 95: quiche, how you like your eggs in the morning, good/bad egg etc. This is because I am allergic to eggs, and they make me violently sick if I have the misfortune of ingesting them in any form. As it’s not just chicken eggs that have this affect on me but seemingly any variety (fish etc) answer me this: When the time comes, will I be able to father children with my future wife, or will my army of wriggly man tadpoles run crying at the sight of an ovum?

Brendan: in light of recent MPs’ expenses, would AMT lay bare some of the expenses they have claimed in pursuit of the podcast?

Mark from Nottingham: why is any room for put aside for guests, VIPs or in some way designated as being special, often referred to as “The Green Room”? This seems to have nothing to do with the interior design or the purpose for which it is used. As far as I can tell it’s a room for Z-list celebrities to get sloshed on free booze! Is there a historical reason why they are called “The Green Room”? Where was the first ever “Green Room”? And have you ever been in one?

James from Bamford: where does the saying “My giddy aunt” come from?

Eleanor from St Albans: have any of you ever tried Scottish dancing? I’m going to my cousin’s wedding, and am going to have to do it.

Rebecca from London: why are peacock feathers brought into the house considered bad luck?

Nelson from Liverpool: why is it that the word gay began to be used as a word for homosexuals? Why not another word?

Andy from Boston: I was on a train back from New York last week and hot towels were handed out before our meal was served. A good number of travellers used the towels to not only wipe their hands, but their faces, neck, behind the ears, etc. One dude even wiped down his table *after* giving himself a full wash. (Think about that for a moment – talk about spreading germs, not to mention swine flu, etc. Gnarly.)
Answer me this: Why do people feel the need to use the hot towels given before a meal to wash all of their exposed body parts? I mean, if you had that much funk on you that a hand towel was a welcome solution, shouldn’t you just use the lav? Do these same people do this in restaurants as well?
What would Olly or Martin do? (WWOMD?)

Lucas from Berlin: you know if you smoke a bit of pot, and then you’re well hungry, why are you well hungry? I’ve always spent all my money on the pot, so can’t afford anything to eat!

EPISODE 96
aired 21st May 2009

Albert (most people call me Seagull, and I don’t know why): you complete bastards, where have you been all my life !?! I am a 41 and 3/4 year old, who has just bought an ITouch as part of his mid-life crisis, to feel young, and have discovered the joys of your Podcast. You answer all the the questions I have wanted to know since I was an awkward teenager, and am now beginning to feel whole in my life!!
Do you think it is wise, or cool, to wear a stupid looking yellow tie on a major news channel (just saw Olly on Sky News!!)?

Pete from Somerset: why is it rude to put your elbows on the dinner table?

Roger from Berkhamstead: why was I the only person I saw in a week in China with a beard? I have been told that Chinese men can’t grow beards, but paintings and statues show wise men of old with long beards.
Do you know how the Chinese feel about beards generally?

James from Glasgow: what is a shebang? and why is it so important to have the whole of it?

Tom from London: why are sesame seeds added to burger buns? They add no taste and merely prevent people with certain allergies from enjoying a nice burger! Is there a reason for this or is there just an evil billionaire living in a volcano somewhere who owns a burger-bun monopoly and wants to fuck up the world in his own little way?

Andy: why do burgers come in packs of four, whereas burger buns come in packs of six?

Laurence from York: why do news anchors feel the urge to stand outside a school when something happens? Just stay in the studio – it’s warmer.

Rhys from Mirfield: where does pin the tail on the donkey come from? Who thought it would be a good idea for children to pretend to reattach an appendage to an animal and why choose a donkey of all things?

George in Aberdeenshire: does the arrow on the symbol for ‘male’ ♂ represent a man’s wang, and does the cross on the ‘female’ symbol ♀ represent a lady’s party zone?

Adam from South-West London: after being bored out of my mind on a long stretch of jury service, I’ve been wondering: why do judges wear those ridiculous wigs?

Rory in Aberdeen: why is the traditional image of a heart the way it is, when a heart actually looks like an extremely ugly blob?

Nina and Naomi from Brittany: have you ever won any prizes, aside from the Sony nomination? I can imagine Helen winning a spelling bee or something, and Martin some science thing; I can’t imagine Olly winning anything, sorry!

Johnnie: my girlfriend is just about reaching her sixth anniversary of moving to England from France. Before she left, a colleague gave her three pieces of advice for living in England:
* go on holiday during Wimbledon fortnight; it always rains
* Make sure to watch the best programme on TV: Top Gear
* Never try to start a conversation on a train
I’ve a feeling there is probably better advice that she could have been given. My question is, what three pieces of advice would you give to someone coming to live in England for the first time?

EPISODE 95
aired 14th May 2009

Janna from Somerset: have you been to the V&A and eaten the quiche in the restaurant? It might look a bit expensive but it is unbelievably delicious. I have to find an excuse to go there every time I go to London. Try it and see if you can tell me what makes it so amazing as I have tried cooking quiche with a load of different recipes and I can get nothing close, please help me with your cooking skills as I actually live in Somerset and it’s a bit far to pop out for lunch!

Philip from London: I was reading about some political scandal the other day. What was the first scandal after Watergate to be suffixed with ‘gate’, and what if there’s a scandal about water?

Stephen in Dublin: I recently started yoga, following nagging to “try it you might like it”. I am as atypical a practitioner as is possible. I am male (as opposed to female) a rabid meater (as opposed to a vegan who thinks that carrots also have rights), heartless bank employee (as opposed to a registered hug provider), skin/slap head (as opposed to someone who believes that animals should be able to nest in your hair), I (despite myself) actually enjoy it. Answer me this: what was the last thing you enjoyed, that you didn’t think you think you would/logically shouldn’t have? e.g. book, cd, concert, activity

Jack from Leeds: do sniffer dogs get addicted to cocaine?

Rebecca from London: where does the saying ‘painting the town red’ come from?

Sarah: will the couple in the BT advert ever make up?

Henry from Bath: There is a guy in my school who gets pissed every week, he has his own facebook group dedicated to his antics with over 100 members. So please answer me this: how long can a 17-year-old’s liver last if every week he gets smashed and passes out/other stuff, before his liver implodes/he dies? Or do you think that becoming a (minor) weblebrity can only be a good thing?

Tim from Watford: why do chefs wear those big weird hats?

Ian from Maidstone: my question relates to the phrase, “you’re a good egg”. I’ve been told that it’s considered racist to say this, because ‘egg’ is short for ‘egg and spoon’, which is rhyming slang for… well, for an unpleasant racist term. That can’t be right, can it?

Connor, 14, from Scotland: I was going out with a girl in the year above me at school for almost 4 months until she dumped me at the end of February. It did bother me but I dealt with it pretty quickly, I was still talking to her on MSN now and then and I saw her at school sometimes.
Everything was going fine until she started going out with my brother. He’s 2 years older than me (one year older than my ex) and we get along okay most of the time but this is really starting to piss me off. I know it’s been 2 months since I broke up with her but this is the first proper boyfriend she’s had since then, why did it have to be my brother? I don’t know who im more mad at, my ex for being such a slutty bitch or my brother for being such a selfish bastard.
Answer me this: should I tell them how pissed off I am or just put up with it in the hope that they’ll eventually break up? And if you think I should talk to them, how do I tell them I want them to break up without making myself seem selfish? I’m over the relationship with her but I still find this just too weird.

EPISODE 94
aired 7th May 2009

Anonymous: how do you like your eggs in the morning? I like mine with a kiss.

Simon: I’m growing lots of vegetables in my garden. If you were to be likened to a vegetable what would you like to be? Personally I’d like to think I’m sweetcorn – sweet, corny, tall with a big head!

Dave from York: I’ve just got over a bout of chickenpox, which completely screwed up a week and a half of my Easter holiday, so Helen, Olly and Martin, answer me this: What is the most embarrassing, painful, and/or inconvenient illness you’ve ever had? (No STDs, thank you Olly.)

Lyndal from Adelaide: what is the point of all these celebrities bringing out books? Miley Cyrus is only 12 or something – what has she got to write about?

Dale in Northwood: why are Hot Dogs called Hot Dogs?

Emily from Essex: What are prawn crackers made of?

Rory from Aberdeen: What are your views on cannibalism?

Si from Bournemouth: did Hitler really have one ball?

Oli in Warwick: I recently thought of a genius idea to make a wallet out of Pokemon cards! I thought it looked awesome and really original. However, my mates just took the piss out of it. Is it sad to make a wallet out of Pokemon cards?

Lottie from Oxford: my mother’s boyfriend is away a lot and is always on the phone to her. I often answer the phone to him, and I sound a lot like my mum, so he’ll say “Hello gorgeous” and then it’s awkward. So how can I pick up the phone and immediately show I’m not my mum?

Emma from Nottingham: the other day I was watching The Apprentice and I noticed that instead of holding their mobile phones normally and speaking into the bottom part of the phone whilst listening to the top, the apprentices all held their phones flat in front of them and spoke VERY LOUDLY into the bottom of the phone. This seems very strange to me, so Helen and Olly answer me this: is everyone on The Apprentice so stupid that they don’t know how to use a phone properly, and if so is it not a little worrying that they supposedly represent the best businessmen and women in England today, or is it that I am behind the times and everyone uses their phones like this these days and I should stop complaining and join in?

Chris from Bolton: what is the most interesting/expensive/different thing you have ever held in your hands?
I say this because recently (well about 5 months ago) I had the pleasure of meeting citizen of Bolton and Olympic Gold and Silver Medal-winning cyclist Jason Kenny and I was able to hold his medals (it was at a function, he wasn’t just carrying them around with him in the street). They were surprisingly heavy but very intricately decorated.

EPISODE 93
aired 30th April 2009

Sharon from Glasgow: Helen answer me this; can I put you down for a reference? You have good telephone manner and I imagine you would be good at bullshitting people into giving me a job. All you have to do is go with whatever job(s) I lie and say you’ve been my boss at and remember how awesome and amazing I am etc.

Chris from Ormskirk: I am concerned about health and safety issues so Answer Me This: do you carry out a risk assessment prior to carrying out the recording of your podcast?
Is it true that chocolate is a substitute for sex? That’s what my wife tells me when she’s shoving a flake up her snatch.

Simon, 13, Wimbledon: I just went on a school ski trip and everyone got so shocked when the teachers had some wine to drink. There were three bottles for eight of them which is about as much my parents drink on a Saturday. Why was everyone so shocked? Teachers are human, aren’t they?

Sam from Salisbury: why does my orthodontist thing it is necessary to put elastic bands on my braces?

Georgina from Surrey: why was I subjected to watching Loose Women at the dentist? Surely dental TV should make you feel better about being there!

Lina from Nebraska: my husband is currently deployed, so while he’s gone I will be spending a great deal of my summer visiting friends and family. My first big trip is in a few weeks. I will be visiting a friend in San Francisco. He has told me he’s going to take me dancing to all the gay clubs and he said all of his friends will probably want to dance with me. He also said that he and all of his friends dance dirty. Now I love dancing and I don’t get to do it often because I’m married and my husband does not like to dance. So answer me this: is it ok to dance dirty with a gay guy even though I’m married? In my opinion, it would basically be like dancing with a straight girl.

Ed from Dorset: why is “the dog’s bollocks” used as a positive description? To me dogs’ bollocks aren’t all that great, am I missing something? Are canine testicles really pretty amazing on closer inspection?

Billy in Croydon: why is it that the numberplate on the front of a vehicle is white and at the back it’s yellow?

Red Dog: My neighbor has a parrot that is driving me crazy. It can’t hold a decent conversation and just sits there doing an inane “here pooch!” kind of whistle. Every 5 seconds. What is the most humane way to kill a parrot. I was thinking a cat or a falcon, or maybe just strangle it and leave a suicide note in its cage?
PS: I like all other pets, just not parrots. Or hamsters.

Stephanie from America: at a recent dinner conversation, my mom suggested to me that I quit using my ChapStick cold turkey. (Just in case you don’t have ChapStick in Britain, ChapStick is a lip balm that is absolutely SWEEPING the nation over here…there are entire websites dedicated to ChapStick addicts like myself haha.)
So Helen and Olly, answer me this: where does the term “quitting cold turkey” come from?
Was someone so addicted to cold turkey that someone suggested to them that they ‘quit cold turkey’?

Jawad from Streatham: I’m a 19-year-old boy and I’m about to have another sibling in the house…my mum is pregnant. I wanted to know what would be a good gift to give my parents?

Lorenzo in Glasgow: I went to a Chinese restaurant 3 years ago and broke open a fortune cookie that prophesied vast riches and uncountable luxuries! So answer me this, where did the idea of a fortune cookie originate, what’s the weirdest one you’ve seen and just for me, IS THERE A FUCKING TIME LIMIT ON THEM?

EPISODE 92
aired 23rd April 2009

Neil from Chester: why, when I know my girlfriend is always going to be late whenever we go for a drink, do I still always turn up early?

Nikesh: in the film Lethal Weapon, Murtaugh complains to Riggs about being too old for this shit. So what shit are you too old for? I’m too old to have a Che poster above my bed.

Tobias from Hoxton: my sister recently bought a horse. I don’t like my sister. Is it true that you can turn horses into glue? If so, what is the procedure? And how do you condense a whole horse into a tub of glue?
Ps. My girlfriend is making me cook her lobster. Do lobster scream/squeal/cry/anything remotely heartbreaking when you throw them into a boiling pot of water? I need to be prepared.

Niels from South Africa: who do you think is the greatest Jew in history?

J-Dawg in Stroud: who would win at an arm wrestle between Martin the physicist and Olly the English graduate? I doubt there’d be much in it!

Cammie from Leith: I was revising today and my dad caught me playing Playstation. He told me to get my thumb out of my arse and get studying. Where does this expression come from? I very rarely have my thumb up my arse!

Lottie in Oxford: Where does the phrase ‘wet behind the ears’ come from? I have just recently got a job in a book shop and I am new to the wacky ways and goings of the people there. They call me a ‘wet behind the ears newbie’. So I am curious to know where this saying comes from.

Matt from Toronto: is the term “school” really that specific a term in the vernacular in England? I am from Canada, and my girlfriend is from the Isle of Wight. In Canada, “school” is a passing, catch-all term for any form of education. On one of my many visits to England while my girlfriend was finishing uni, she was mortified to find I had been in pubs and talking to pensioners about how excited I was for my girlfriend “to finish school”, or how nice it will be when my girlfriend is “out of school”…We do have an age gap, I am in early thirties, she in early twenties–but she bluntly told me that people would think I was talking about a twelve year old. Would they really have?
Come to think of it, one woman did raise an eyebrow.
Anyhow, I now know to say “uni”…I won’t bother telling you how my girlfriend felt about my mother discussing her big “fanny”, which means “bottom” over here.
What North American vernaculars have proven confusing for you?

Laurence from York: would you rather your dad died or your knob got chopped off?
How do you tell your teacher they have massive pit-stains? I know one of my teachers listens to this podcast, so it’s not Dave.

Dave from York: I am a secondary school teacher (I teach French and German, in case you’re interested), and have rather foolishly made a sportsman’s bet with a pupil of mine that I can get a question read out on your podcast before he can. So please, save my career and reputation within the school by reading my question out!
Is it inappropriate for me, as a teacher, to be recommending your (occasionally potty-mouthed) podcast to my pupils? I haven’t recommended it to all my pupils, just some year 11s who I thought would probably like it. I just worry slightly, having already made the recommendation to several kids, that a prudish parent may find it whilst innocently looking(/spying) through their child’s iPod, and point the finger in my direction when they hear Helen and/or Olly drop the c-bomb, polluting their “innocent” child’s mind with filthy language.
Please read this before you read a question from Laurence in York, or I’ll never hear the fucking end of it.

Max in Thame: why do ghosts say ‘whoooo’? – the obvious answer is that it’s spooky, but surely that’s only because it’s now associated with ghosts. I reckon if you remove the association it just sounds a bit sarcastic. So why?

EPISODE 91
aired 16th April 2009

Ian from Bedfordshire: why is it that oilseed rape has such a horrible name?

Sarah from Gaytown: Holy BatBalls, you guys!
Last night I was out and I saw one of my teachers, who is married to another one of my teachers, holding hands and laughing with a young girl who was NOT my teacher.
He saw me, I saw him see me, he let go of her hand, it was all very awkward.
I have to see him every day, and I have no idea how I’m supposed to act!
So what do you think?
I know I’m going to look back at this and think it’s really funny – because it kind of is.

Aichy from Hampshire: have you ever been to Disneyland?
What sort of important stuff have you lost?

Kieren: where does the phrase “egg on your face” come from?

Graham from Canada: why do some barber shops have those red/white/blue stripes? Why red/white/blue? What’s their origin?

Becky the Manx ice-cream monster: Why is blue thought of as a boy colour? Did men of the past always wear it or something? And did women always wear pink?

John in Edinburgh: where does the olden time euphemism ‘a bit of how’s your father’ come from? Surely your father is one of the last people you should be thinking of before, during or after getting jiggy-wid-it. Is it related to modern people yelling ‘who’s the Daddy?’

Mike from Bath: if someone told you what happened in a later episode of 24 or Dexter or something like that, you’d be really hacked off, right? So why do people read those magazines that describe soap storylines weeks in advance? The best theory I’ve heard is so that people know when to tune in, but if they’re that bloody tedious surely there’s no reason to watch them in the first place!

Nick from Hackney: why does my willy always have a sun tan? It’s very rarely outside and I’m a very pale person, yet my cock is looks as tho it should belong to Spaniard (which Spaniard i don’t know). Is it taking secret trips to the Costa del Cock, or even to tanning booths in Billericay while I’m sleeping? Is it as my Grandmother always warned me “Going to Fall off!”? Or is there some perfectly benign answer that i should know already?

George from Portsmouth: we just stole a balloon. Should we feel bad?

Keith, now of Bradford, originally from Staffordshire: Olly, answer me this:
1. If you had to; Ester Rantzen or Cilla Black?
2. Is it wrong to think about your mates mum? I used to fancy her when I was 15, but now I’m 27, I still feel strong urges to “pop in”.
3. Why don’t women understand offside? And have you ever tried explaining rugby offside?!?! Don’t even go there….
Helen, answer me this:
1. Kerplunk or Jenga for pub-based action games?
2. Apparently it’s wrong to wear black and brown together? Discuss.
3. Why does dirty food, like a proper sweaty kebab, taste so good after a bellyful of beer?

EPISODE 90
aired 9th April 2009

Luke from Cambridge: did you commit or succumb to any good April Fooling this year?

Jem from Essex: I’ve recently joined your Facebook Fanclub.
This is probably the first such club I’ve joined since I was about ten and sent 50p in stamps to the Beano to join the Dennis the Menace Fan Club. As this was a PROPER fan club, with a membership card, badge and introductory letter featuring secret club codes and the like, it made me wonder…
Helen and Olly, answer me this: did you belong to any fan clubs in your youth? And if so, which ones?

Gareth from Glasgow: where does the word ‘jackpot’ come from, to mean a large sum of money?

Lorna from London: what are star signs, who came up with the animal things, and can they actually tell your future in any way?

Caroline from Bognor Regis/Cape Town: which is easier, being a boy or a girl?

Joseph from Michigan: recently, a new pizza place opened in my town. They sent out fliers containing their menu, containing mostly typical pies, but a few speciality pizzas caught my eye.
Chicken Cordon Bleu, which has ham, chicken, Swiss cheese and Alfredo sauce. Look, I like chicken cordon bleu, but a pizza based around it sounds dodgy. Another is Mac ‘N Cheese. A pizza. With macaroni and cheese.
I am both horrified and intrigued by these pizzas.
So answer me this: what is the strangest pizza you’ve ever had?
(For the record, the strangest I’ve ever had was a Reuben pizza: Russian dressing instead of sauce, sauerkraut, corned beef, and Swiss cheese. It was the stuff of gastronomical nightmares.)

Tom: I recently had an important meeting with a Distinguished Gentlemen in a cafe, and I noticed he had split cappuccino down his jumper. Should I have told him before he went to his next meeting?

Laurence from York: why do ears ring when you’ve been listening to rock music?
Why do they say ‘ice-cold soft drinks’, when surely if they were as cold as ice, they would be ice?
Why bother with a silent ‘k’ in ‘knee’ and ‘knife’?

EPISODE 89
aired 2nd April 2009

Ashley from London: where was the first Garden Centre?

Adam: have any of you ever had dogs? I’m thinking of getting one.

Fran from Suffolk: I LOVE Evanescence and a am a massive fan of them. I like their music and think Amy Lee incredibly talented. My mates say I’m stupid to like them when they have never heard or listened to them. This really bugs me and if I say, ‘Just let me like that music I like,’ they say that they won’t cos the bands I like are shit. Please help!

Tom from Southport: what jobs can you get that specifically require a degree in English?

Chris from Ormskirk: is it acceptable to give your mother a vibrator as a Mother’s Day present? I was only trying to cheer her up.

Luke from Cambridge: if the three of you were stranded on a sinking boat and there’s only room on a lifeboat for one of you, which one would you save?

Chelsea from Wisconsin: what is the origin of the jack in the box?

Stu in Cambridge: why is there a worm in bottles of Tequila? Does it serve a purpose, or is it just there for kicks?

Jack from Gloucester: I have worked in the same office for about 2 years now and I have come to realise that I really fancy my boss, and get strong indications that she feels the same. I know in the cold light of day work relationships are meant to be wrong, but are they ALWAYS a complete no-go? Surely if we are adult and professional there is no reason you can’t get it on with your boss? Or is this craziness? Are we destined to carry on fancying each other with nothing ever happening?

Chris from Reading: where on earth does the phrase “at loggerheads” come from?
Why is it people say “cheese” when a photo is taken, and where does it come from?

Michael in Hertfordshire: over the last week or so me and my girlfriend have been asking each other a lot of fun and personal questions, such as ‘When did you first start to like me?’ and ‘What do you look most for in a guy?
But we have been doing it constantly for the last week now and I’m running out of questions, but don’t want to run out before her. So Helen and Olly answer me this, what interesting questions can I ask her, so that I can find out more about her in depth and also not run out?

EPISODE 88
aired 26th March 2009

Graham from Stoke-on-Trent: since my wife of 28 years left me for another woman three years ago, I have had a nagging question and I wondered if you could shed any light on the matter. When two large ladies are in the throes of passion and giving, shall we say, oral attention to each other’s ladyparts, is this known as an 88, rather than the more traditional 69? I just need to know and I can’t find the answer anywhere.

Dan from Brighton: do mermaids smell of fish?

Sharon in Glasgow: I have just discovered Google Street View. I have never been to London so I had a look around the areas I frequently hear about so I can get a visual image of what it looks like. Thinking of you guys I had a look around Crystal Palace, may I say you live in a very nice area.
Helen and Olly answer me this: is this a fantastic new technology or is it just creepy?
Having a look around the famous Camden, I found this.
It made me laugh, but what do you think?

Stephen in Huddersfield: I run a little restaurant in Huddersfield, and generally my customers are smashing people. However sometimes they are mean-spirited bad-tempered wankers, with no idea of how to behave in public. So answer me this: is the customer always right? Because I think they’re often wronger than Hitler.

Sarah: where did vampires come from?

Izzi: where did the phrase bloody Nora come from. I’m pretty sure that it doesn’t come from Nora Batty.

Alan from Glasgow: my surname is ‘Digweed’. Have you ever heard of a worse surname than that?

Martin from Glasgow: why have I just peed in the bathroom sink?

Mike from Belfast: since Martin the Sound Man tore me apart for my silly little Eskimo balls question, I’ve been attending therapy to get in touch with my inner child. What’s the most childish impulse your inner child causes, especially as you’re all old and withered inside? Especially Martin.

Lucy from Brighton: why is it that when animals are killed and put onto a plate some of them change their name, ie. Cows turn into ‘Beef’, Sheep turns into ‘Mutton’, Pig turns into Pork, Deer turns into ‘Venison’, etc, but Lamb stays as Lamb, and Chicken stays as Chicken? This is perplexing me and even though I’m a vegetarian I must know the answer!!

EPISODE 87
aired 19th March 2009

Dom from Southend: what is Twitter? Why does it exist? Why do people need to know every little detail about my life? Why is this glorified form of stalking ok? Why is it addictive?

Jack from Wiltshire: why is it that food on television ads (ie the Weetabix minis/Aldi’s fruit and veg etc) falls from the sky and bounces around in super-dramatic slow motion? When I buy broccoli from Aldi (which I often do, as I am that poor), it doesn’t graciously drop from the air and pirouette on the chopping board for me. I have tried many times dropping it from heights, but it never falls as tastefully as it does on the ads, so why can’t they just fuck off and show us how we want to see it: motionless, on a plate, ready for eating?

Jonathon, 13, from Bath: I made a song for my Mum’s birthday, it went like this:
Mumma mia, what a birthday song,
My, My, how original,
Mumma Mia, Only twenty-one,
My, My, what perfect flattery,
Yes, really you are ancient,
Grey, with a metal hip joint,
Why, Why, do you have a dodgy knee,
Mumma mia, now i have to go,
My, My, I hope that cane is just for show.
Does this make me weird, and did you do anything similar when you were younger?

Matthew Seymour from Colchester: does anywhere sell toy hammocks?

Andrew from Southampton: why do we give teddy bears as cute to to children? Bears are vicious in real life and would probably rip a child in half!

Laura from Ireland: what was the worst food you had to resort to as a student? I’m presuming it was something beige-coloured as most student foods are.

Henry: I am a 16-year-old boy, trying to get a job, I have tried filling out loads of application forms for places in bath where I live (and sending them in). But have still not been able to get a job, you might say that this is because I am useless, but I did get to the interview stage for a job at Waitrose in November last year, but then I didn’t get the job. And have since tried Tesco, M & S, Sainsbury’s, O2, Orange, Carphone Warehouse, Co-op, WHSmiths, Starbucks, Costa.
How can I get a job when I have no previous experience, and I can only work part time? Also what were your guys first jobs?

Tom in Sheffield: how do I dance at a party without looking like a twat? I’m 14, and in a pickle…

Alan from Scotland: in Dirty Dancing, why does Patrick Swayze say ‘Nobody puts Baby in the corner’ rather than ‘Nobody puts Frances in the corner’?

EPISODE 86
aired 12th March 2009

Chuckie: my friend Tristan got the first question of the new series and won’t shut up about it. How can I get him to stop gloating?

Yasmeen: I live in Camden and for a few months I have been noticing an ad campaign splashed across buses called “Be Cervix Savvy” with a picture of an attractive man.
I looked up the website: www.becervixsavvy.co.uk.
Please have a look at the video on the first page.
Why oh why oh why have they chosen these men to promote smear tests?

Lina from Bellevue, Nebraska: I have a co worker who I know for a fact is gay. Everyone at my job knows he’s gay,too. But he still insists on pretending that he is not. He pretends to have girlfriends and has even forgotten the name he used in the middle of a story about “her”. One minute she’s Jessica and the next she’s Jennifer. You can tell that this is stressful for him, pretending to be something he is not. So, answer me this: should I just pull him aside and tell him that we all know he’s gay so he can go ahead and stop pretending he likes girls or should I just leave well enough alone and play along until he is ready to tell everyone on his own.

Kate: I have been wrestling for the answer to this question for sometime now and really hope you can help.
I am a lesbian and last October my wonderful girlfriend and I had our Civil Partnership ceremony which was all lovely and blah blah blah. Anyway, since then we haven’t known what to call ourselves. Are we married? But that is sooo straight and technically we are not. Are we Civil Partnered? But that is wanky. What the chuffing hell are we? Also, what do we call ourselves? Do I introduce Sharon as my Civil Partner, to show she is more than my girlfriend? That’s wanky too. Say life partner and that’s even worse! Wife is straight and I know another couple that call each other wifey so that just sticks in my throat.

Amelia from London: what’s your favourite tv show of all time?

Ruth from London: why are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles named after Renaissance artists?

Mike from Belfast: if testicles operate better at low temperatures, are Eskimos very fertile? I would find this ironic, as their population numbers are dwindling.

Ryan from Kilburn: where does the word scapegoat come from?

Paddy from Leeds: how can you be disgusted but not gusted?

Martz from Southampton: I noticed, and I was quite pleased, that the new president Barack Obama is left-handed and, as a fellow southpaw it got me thinking… Has there been a disproportionate number of lefties vs righties that have become great leaders and statesmen compared to the population as a whole?

Rachel from Loughborough: why do men always say that women look better without makeup, even though they look terrible?

Polly the Parrot: why is a gangplank called a gangplank? They’re not a fucking gang – they’re a crew!

Brad from Huddersfield: after winning your lovely bag in the answer me this competition, myself and Josh share the bag monthly.
This month was my turn to use the bag, everything was fine and all in all it’s a great bag.
However after spying on a few friends over Facebook, I found to my horror some fucker has started a ‘why don’t these geezers get a new bag’ group, in which myself, Josh and a flakey boy seen sometimes wandering around the college carrying his books are targeted.
Which brings me to my question: could you round up a few answer me this listeners or every fucker under the sun to join the group and post comments along the tune of ‘those bags rock and I love flakey boy’?

EPISODE 85
aired 5th March 2009

Tristan from Ramsgate: is bacon, pancakes and maple syrup, really a good idea? It tastes great but, can you eat it would feeling guilty?

Liz from Cardiff: I was chatting casually to my parents this evening about bizarre opera plots. My dad, astonishingly, told me that, in the 1920s and 30s there was this thing called Theatre of Cruelty, where they got prisoners who had been sentenced to death to take part in their plays, and they’d shoot them dead on stage.” He then went on to recall one stage direction that went something like: “The soldier brings down the axe and it splits open the victim’s head – brains spill out onto the stage and into the front row”.
Answer me this – IS THIS FUCKING TRUE???? I’M NOT GOING TO SLEEP TONIGHT!

Thomas from London: I am a man, 31, and recently split up with my girlfriend. We have a young son. Am I ever going to be able to convince a girl to have sex with me again? Please give me a tactic to convince a girl to have sex with me.

Jack from Leeds: why do people say “Happy As A Clam”? Surely clams have nothing to be happy about!

Adam from Wigan: on your telephone keypad, why does the no.1 have no letters on, then 7 and 9 have four characters each?

Clementine from Cambridge: WHY do British people picture French people with GARLIC AROUND THEIR NECKS?? I’m French, and I agree with most stereotypes (cheese, frogs, etc) but the GARLIC?? We French people don’t eat half as much garlic as YOU British garlic-eaters – you can even buy garlic bread in supermarkets on this side of the Channel!! And the French definitely don’t eat as much garlic as the Spanish or the Italian. So where does this stupid stereotype come from???

Mike from Belfast: I am a photographer and particularly like taking candid shots of people, especially young women. How can I take secret shots in public without them knowing?

Fran: I’m 21 and am friends with a single man who is pushing 50. Lately our correspondence has been fairly flirty and things got a bit more serious this morning when a £100 lingerie voucher came through my door. He wrote on the card that there’s no expectation of anything but he wants me to feel sexy next time we go for dinner. I think I’d quite like to have sex with him (dry spell), and I like being bought things (povvo student) but I feel bad for accepting expensive dinners and gifts and stuff. We’ve never even snogged. So, answer me this, is it wrong to accept gifts? And, does me accepting a lingerie voucher imply that I’m agreeing to sleep with him?

Chelsea from Wisconsin: what is the oldest gadget you all own?
Where did the tradition of clinking glasses come from?
Can you fill a hot tub with pudding?
What is your biggest fear?

EPISODE 84
aired 29th January 2009

Andy from Essex: which Mr Man or Little Miss do you think you are?

Eliot from Wrexham: why did repetitive ‘dance’ music take off?

Amelia: what is the best way to react to a bad present, in a way that won’t hurt the person’s feelings?

George from Aberdeenshire: is having a disease/condition named after you (eg Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s) an insult or an honour?

Michael, 16, Hertfordshire: my mate thinks that I am being controlled by my girlfriend
so I did something really stupid that she didn’t want me to do
and now she thinks that I’m a massive twat
so answer me this: how do you win back a girl?

Amy from Maidenhead: I’ve just spent the last day of 2008 watching programmes about serial killers. Does this point to a serial-killing 2009? Should I be locked up?

Charlotte from Macclesfield: I personally stick my tongue into cadbury creme eggs, remove (but still eat) all of the filling, then bite & chew the chocolate casing. How do you eat yours?

James: where did the phrase “by the skin of your teeth” come from because everytime i hear this it makes me shiver and want to vomit!

Chippy: which sad bastard listens to the director’s commentary on the extras bit of a DVD?

Roddy from Peebles: my English teacher gave me an essay back to redraft with the comment “Good (relaxed) writing style. Try and include the meaning of life/The purpose of human existence to add depth.” WHAT?!
Is this woman insane or does she genuinely expect me to know the answer to both of these seemingly unanswerable questions?

Frank from Boston: why is it that British actors can do convincing American accents, but Americans can’t do British ones?

Lana: Do you remember at school, folding a piece of paper so it makes a kind of pyramid? You got a friend to choose a number and you moved your fingers in and out the amount of times they chose then lifted a flap revealing that they stink of piss or something else humorous that you wrote under the numbers in advance. Well why is it that everyone I asked made these origami thingies yet not one person has ever bothered to give this paper contraption a name and it is only known by “ oh yeah that that thing when you go like that “, (they then move their finger in and out). Why? Is it just laziness?

Magnus from Estonia: if you ever need to take a holiday, can I suggest you get “Celebrity Lesbian” Sue Perkins and “Guy Secretan” Stephen Mangan to take over – their voices are almost indistinguishable from yours. My friend Ed could take over from The Sand Man although he’d have to put on a bit of a Northern accent.

EPISODE 83
aired 22nd January 2009

James from Gloucestershire: I thought I owed you an update on the older neighbour cum-in-her-bucket situation! I was right, she does want to fuck me which I thought was golden apart from she sent me some saucy photos via text which I can send to martin if he fancies a free wank? Anyway, in the photos she does not look hot at all! Clearly the wrapping is better than the filling. The worst thing is I don’t want to dick her anymore cos it IS a bit weird. But she says I should come round to her house for a “chat” the next time her husband’s out Please arm me with 6 months’-worth of excuses to get out of tapping her wizard’s sleeve, until I can fuck off to uni and leave her weird ass behind!

Pete from Wiltshire: what is your favorite medieval weapon and why? And can you tell me what the one with the spiky ball on the end is?

Graham from Canada: does coconut milk curdle?

Stuart: It was announced this week that Will Young is going to appear on Question Time. If you were given the opportunity to appear on the programme, who would you like to appear on Question Time as your fellow panellists? If you were in the audience what question would you like to ask Will Young? If you were to appear on a panel show, which one would you like to appear on? I have always been a fan of Just a Minute.

Mike from Birkenhead: I’m a fight attendant, and am currently in Chicago. Why are passengers so stupid?

Ryano: what family activities were you dragged kicking and screaming into? Mine had to be visiting my Nan with the ornaments as we all had to sit still on the couch for fear of breakages; leaving was like breaking up for the school holidays.

Josh from London: do you happen to know what that little pocket inside the larger pocket on jeans is for? It’s pointless. A friend of mine suggested it could be for change, but considering I can’t get change out after I’ve put it in, I don’t quite buy this.

Tim from Watford: Why do pigeons bob their heads?

Alex: why do people go grey (In their hair, not in general) in their old age? Are humans the only creatures that go grey, and if so, why is this?

Kyle from Bexhill: why do I find it so compelling to sing in the shower?

Lew from the Czech Republic: Helen, if you were a fictional nurse, which one would you like to be? Barbara Windsor, Hattie Jacques, Chrissie Williams, Nurse Ratchet or some other? And Olly, which doctor would you like to be? Kenneth Williams, Jim Dale or Christopher Timothy?

Chris: why do cats lick themselves and we don’t?

Henry in Derby: do cats have periods?

Sarah from Gaytown: what do you guys do for fun?

EPISODE 82
aired 15th January 2009

Wade in Mansfield: I Just saw a TV advert claiming that Coco Pops are delicious in hot milk. Naturally I ran to my kitchen, heated up some milk and poured it onto some Coco Pops as soon as I could! I took a big mouthful, then felt myself wretch. They taste fucking grim. Answer me this: why does the box say that they are delicious in hot milk, when actually I’d rather have jizzed in the bowl, and eaten it with my feet?

Max from Norfolk: my question to you is about love. For around 2 weeks now I have started a relationship with the girl of my dreams. She is the prettiest girl in the school year, so sweet, just lovely.
A few episodes back, you were discussing about sensitive guys and masculine guys and how we’re too open and bla bla bla. Well, I happen to be one of those sensitive guys. I believe it’s because I am more mature and open with my feelings. If I can tell somebody what I am feeling, it makes me more comfortable.
I was talking to her on msn and I said to her something along the lines of:
“When we were in the city (Norwich) today, it made me realise how much I love you, I never wanna be apart from you.”
The response I got was:
“haha how corny.”
so…
Helen And Olly And Martin
Answer Me This:
What can I say to my girlfriend that expresses the same love and emotion, but isn’t so damn corny?

Wayne from Blaine, Maine: how come you British people get to say all these great words, like ‘bollocks’, ‘fortnight’, ‘brilliant’, ‘mate’, ‘wanker’, ‘bonnet’, ‘tosser’, ‘beastly’, ’sod’, ‘bugger’, ‘quid’ and ‘todger’, but if we Americans try to do that we sound like total idiots?

Peter from Chicago: is it possible to have pizzas delivered in the UK?

Andy from Edinburgh: I have recently heard a rumour from school about a girl who has left now. No one knows if this is true but apparently in her Chemistry class she put a test tube up her private zone and it broke and smashed and the school nurse had to extract the glass! Thing is I don’t believe a word of it. So Helen and Olly, answer me this: what are the most ridiculous rumours or stories you have heard in your life?

Louis from Croydon: why is the term ‘blowjob’ not in any way indicative of the actual action required to do it properly?

Martine from Tunbridge Wells: what is the origin of the Phrase “Willy Nilly”?

Chris from Ormskirk: what do hippos eat? They always look obese but you never see them eating anything.

Dave from Coventry: why do some people (mainly middle aged men) feel the need to wear their bluetooth earpiece ALL the time, for example in a supermarket or whilst having a meal out with their family? I think it’s because they’re either very rude or are just pretending that they actually know other people.

Chelsea from Wisconsin: Martin, what is your favorite thing about Helen? Helen, what’s your least favorite thing about Martin?
Whose idea was it to put candles on a birthday cake?

Gareth from Glasgow: I heard that scientists have created a lightbulb that lasts forever, but are hiding it for the sake of the lightbulb industry. Is this possible?

Paul from Stockport: I turn 30 in 5 months. Possibly convinced by the constant stream of gimmick-based books and tv shows (hello Dave Gorman) I feel I should make a list of “things to do” before I reach this significant milestone on the march towards my inevitable death. I realise I have left this a little late but Answer Me This: what things must I ABSOLUTELY do before I’m 30?

EPISODE 81
aired 8th January 2009

David from Stanmore: Olly, was it you I saw walking across Highbury Fields on December 18th?

Paul from Southend: why is it complimentary to describe a woman as a bombshell, but insulting to describe her as a battleaxe? Why are bombs sexy, yet axes aren’t?

‘Cuthbert’ from Japan: I’ve been drinking red wine in a vague attempt to keep warm, because the heater in my flat is broken. What can I do to stay warm until the little Japanese heater man comes to fix my heater?

Matt from Barnehurst: is it true that Romans used to throw up in a special room during meal times so they eat more, or is this just a myth?
Also why do cartoons always show people drunk by making them hiccup? I’ve been drunk loads of times and never hiccupped at all!

Krabbers: at what point did dodgy builders become known as cowboys and why? I’ve never seen a plumber in a Stetson.

Chris from Ormskirk: why don’t they make westerns anymore?

Francis from Northern Ireland: I discovered this by accident, you cannot create a folder called “Con” on a Windows computer. If you don’t believe me try it. Why is this?

Mike from Merseyside: what does Kumbiyah actually mean?

Jack from Leeds: why do toasters need a setting that burns anything to a horrible crisp?

Dan from Kent: is it ok to use my physically disabled mother-in-law as an excuse to get me out of invites for family occasions, appointments etc…? I have been doing this a lot recently but now I feel a bit guilty. I normally say something like “I can’t come as I have to take my mother-in-law to hospital…” The response is normally “oh dear, that’s ok, I hope your mother-in-law gets better soon.” Have you ever used someone else’s misfortune to benefit yourself?

Lola from Ealing: where does the expression ‘under the weather’ come from?

Phil: I have recently started downloading classic novels in audiobook format on iTunes. Is it cheating to buy these audiobooks and claim I have read these masterpieces?

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to episodes • Question Archive • FAQ
Facebook Fanclub • Twitter • Merch Superstore • YouTube Channel