the toilet-seat terminator

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If Martin from Bolton pays you a visit, don’t let him use your loo:

My wife, 12-year-old son and I were invited around to our very good neighbour’s house for drinks and food for the England-Sweden game the other day.

After a several hours and a few beers our neighbors starting talking about what a good job they had done in refurbishing and decorating their main bathroom upstairs and that I should go and have a look. So off I went and yes it was really nice n- ew bathroom sink and toilet etc. I lifted the seat on the toilet so I could have a pee. Then I went to lower the seat (I am a well-trained house husband) and to my horror it slipped and fell hard and cracked.

I went back downstairs and pretended nothing happened and just commented on how nice the new bathroom was. Now I feel really bad. There were a few children at the party and I thought they might be the prime suspects. Do you think I should just come clean? I have not seen them since but we are having them round to ours soon.

Poor Martin! It’s not your fault they bought a flimsy seat from the pound shop. Nor that your house-training came back to bite you in the arse, metaphorically.

I think that too much time has passed for you to come clean without it seeming really weird, and also, you might as well allow the innocent bystander children to be blamed – they won’t know or care, or be ridden by the shame with which you are currently beset. But readers, do you too think Martin should just live with his guilt? Go to the comments and tell him how to fix this situation, because I’d feel terrible if Martin’s life henceforth turns into a toilety version of ‘The Tell-Tale Heart’, being followed everywhere by the supernatural sound of flushing until he loses his mind.

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4 out of 5 dentists recommend it

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‘Two wrongs don’t make a right’ is the moral of today’s parable from Pete from Essex:

The other day when I came home late, I walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth, but to my despair, I walked in on my brother’s slutty fuck buddy brushing her teeth…WITH MY TOOTHBRUSH!!!

Instantly I asked her what she was doing, she replied saying, “Your brother said I could use this brush.” I wasn’t best pleased but didn’t make a fuss of it; needless to say, I had to go to bed with stinky breath and waited till the morning to go and get a new toothbrush to brush my teeth.

The next day I came home at about the same time, only to discover the bitch in the bathroom once again, using the very toothbrush that I had bought the day before… I was fuming… Again I said to her, “What the hell do you think you’re doing!?” and she replied again saying, “It was a new toothbrush and your brother said I could use it…” I said “Yes! It was a new toothbrush to replace the one you used yesterday!!” For the second night in a row I had to go to bed with stinky breath. Extremely annoyed, I had to bite my tongue.

The next day, I woke up and went to the bathroom to relieve myself but I noticed my brother’s toothbrush in the corner of the room in the little pot and thought to myself, what can I do to get my own back? I thought about sticking it up my arse, but had second thoughts as it might hurt and I’m not so keen on the idea of having something up my arse.

As it was the morning, I had a raging hard on, so I whacked one out and flumped on his toothbrush. Answer me this, was I too harsh doing this? And if so, what would you do to get your own back?

I’m currently only three episodes in to series one of Revenge, so I don’t think I’ve got to the bit where Emily/Amanda lets the complex businessy schemes slide in favour of this more playground-style retaliation. I’m definitely looking forward to her pissing in Madeleine Stowe’s milkbottles, though!

Now, even if I had had the physical capacity to ejaculate upon my brother’s toothbrush, I would not have done so, for manifold reasons:
1. I am well zen, innit.
2. a) It was not your brother who was wrongly using your toothbrush, it was his ladyfriend; b) you have no proof that your brother did sanction her usage, for her statement at the point of apprehension is not reliable evidence.
3. The idea of your own sibling INGESTING YOUR SEMINAL FLUID is too awful to contemplate (even if this doesn’t happen).

While I agree this lady’s actions are presumptuous and horrifying hygienewise, I don’t think they warrant an act of vengeance – YET. I would have slapped a name label on my own toothbrush, and splashed out the £2 on buying an extra toothbrush for your brother’s sexual partner, so she had no excuse for sticking yours in her mouth.

However, I invite you readers to suggest your own courses for revenge in the comments, in case this spree of toothbrush promiscuity continues.

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EPISODE 210 – sex bomb

Although we’ve come
To the end of the road current series,
Still we can’t let go – because we’ll be back on 19th April with yet more Answer Me This!. So long and adieu, here is Episode 210:

Today we ponder:

the Angel of the North
Pet Sounds
sham marriage
a different type of big bird
Tom Jones
Mel Blanc
emotions vs. money
Matt Willis vs. televisions
Alice Cooper vs. vending machines
Jesus vs. Spongebob Squarepants
Father Christmas on film
Trafalgar Square’s fourth plinth
and
Abraham Lincoln.

Plus: we learn the one place where Olly actually keeps quiet; Helen whips ‘em out for SPRIIIIIINNNG BREEEEAAAK!; and Martin the Sound Man puts a price on his hand in marriage. But you might as well barter him down to something more realistic, like £20 and a Chocolate Orange.

This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) is a question from Celeste from Elephant and Castle about whether you can sell your house without the intervention of an estate agent. Of course you can! But, before you ask, you are probably better off not performing your own laser eye surgery.

There is more to listen to during our absence, because by royal appointment (not really) we’ve released the Answer Me This! Jubilee, a 57-minute romp through the massive numbers of questions you lot send us about Her Maj and the like. Click here to get it.

Don’t forget us while we’re away: keep sending your QUESTIONS, as voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) and emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

See you on 19th April!

Helen & Olly

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