Hey, you! Yes, you – the man with the insecurity about your penis size! How would you like a new app that tells you how yours is the smallest wang in the world, and your ideal condom size is ‘Mouse Tail’? Well, colour yourself lucky – because today we tell you how to slim down your self-esteem by up to 100% in Answer Me This! Episode 244:
We also speak of:
carb crimes in Costco
gherkins
gurkhas
Bieber vs. Prince
Simon vs. Garfunkel
homemade peanut butter
dating disappointments
life disappointments
judgy mums
gushers
immigration officials
the green ink brigade
and
two thousand and late.
Plus: Olly wants to reclaim the red pen from censorious teachers and proofreaders; Helen makes good bread with her rough unfeminine hands; and Martin the Sound Man is all about the bell curve, laydeez.
Furthermore, if you’ve ever longed to hear Olly and Martin percussing their way through ‘The Boxer’ and ‘Born To Run’, you’re quids in! That is, you’re willing to expend two quids to get the AMTapp and thus this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android).
Finally! Please send us your QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
PS For revision purposes, here’s that Bieber-wets-himself video for ‘Beauty and the Beat’:
Just two days after release, The Answer Me This! Jubilee is TOP 20 in the iTunes album chart!* So thankyou very much indeed to everybody who has bought it already; and if you feel moved to do the same, click here to buy it off iTunes. UPDATE: it’s now available on Amazon too.
In return for your £2.49 outlay (or equivalent in your native currency), you receive 57 minutes and 55 seconds of all-new Answer Me This!, themed around Her Maj’s upcoming Diamond Jubilee.
Amongst the many questions royally addressed are:
• Could the Queen get away with murder? • What’s the deal with all those 21-gun salutes? • Does the Queen have a mobile phone? • Are you really supposed to pronounce ‘regina’ like ‘vagina’? • Who has seen the Queen’s tits? • Where can I run into Prince Philip on an average day? • What’s the point of the monarchy, anyway? • And what the bloody hell is going on with those nearly nude guys in the Danish monarchy’s coat of arms?
We hope you enjoy it. If you don’t, blame Prince Andrew, like everybody else does.
*Information correct at time of writing. At time of reading, it might have dropped so far out of the iTunes chart that it is outside by the recycling bins.
We love you, you big diverse bunch. We love the fact that, in the space of Answer Me This! Episode 186, we go from a wannabe Olympian to a sexual Olympian (with a gold medal in Making Shit Up). With a meat-loving Aussie, an excitable pair in Harrods, and a crispy Dave from Smethwick in between:
Plus: Olly admits to having watched Eurosport without his eyes throwing up, but only because it reminded him of Jake Gyllenhaal films; young Helen was dazzled by Wingdings; and Martin the Sound Man is a pioneer of the Banjo Slap Bass Afrobeat genre – if you want to know what the hell that sounds like, click here to listen to the latest episode of his musical podcast. This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available on iPhone and iPad, or Android) is a question from 16-year-old Joe from London. Despite his tender age, he has a very adult romantic problem: he can’t remember his new girlfriend’s birthday, but he knows it’s approaching fast, along with a ton of trouble if he forgets it. Pray for him.
We’re fully aware that the rest of you have problems of your own, so please send them to us and we’ll try to make light entertainment out of your pain. Leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis), or send emails answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
There are some very big issues in Answer Me This! Episode 131. The link between artistry and depression. The baffling denouement of the video of ‘November Rain’ (see below for a refresher). How to emasculate stones. Hear:
As side orders to that big plateful of Important Issues, we mention:
Mary Pickford
Stephanie Seymour
bicarbonate of soda
Fernand Pitoit
Scissors Paper Stone
film myths
safety myths
creativity vs. crack
Fargo vs. chipped beef
crochet vs. stones
the boringest action figurines in toy history
cannibalistic tomatoes
and
Phillip Schofield’s big tart.
Plus: Olly conflates coitus and cultural colonialism; Helen is disgusted that all of the internet can’t come up with a believable explanation for why the Bloody Mary is called a Bloody Mary; and Martin the Sound Man comes up with a new word to express the apathy of the Web 2.0 generation. Feel free to use it in a sentence today. Also vengeful Ky from Harrogate seeks your help once more, to sponsor him on his 40-mile jog: make up for his recent Paypal fraud pain by throwing him a couple of pence at http://justgiving.com/kyle-addyman. Or you could just stand by the jogging route and throw pennies AT him, but I don’t think he or the British Heart Foundation would appreciate that as much.
Get your excitement on the boil in anticipation of next week’s Special Guestisode, featuring Andy Zaltzman out of the Bugle podcast and Helen’s gene pool; then send him some QUESTIONS. Preface them with ‘Andy, answer me this’ – email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on Skype IDanswermethis or our question line 0208 123 5877; or if you’re absolutely horrified at a stranger responding to your problem, the usual question-posing format will be perfectly fine.
See you next week, for family fun day!
Helen and Olly
PS if any of the rest of you are superfans of Dr Brian Cox, treat yourself to one of THESE.
