Happy 200th birthday, Charles Dickens! We hope you had a super party at the Retirement Home for Victorian Novelists. William Thackeray ordered in the cupcakes, Anthony Trollope bought a keg, and Henry James cooked up a batch of his Special Brownies. We’ll just leave Answer Me This! Episode 204 on the gift table:
Plus: Olly narrowly escapes Death by Chicken Kiev; Helen had peculiar taste in men for a 13-year-old; and Martin the Sound Man compares feminine sexual moisture to Cadbury’s Creme Eggs. Women don’t have YOLKS, Martin!
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android), Olly explains that as a teenager, he didn’t get a fake ID: he invented a whole fake identity. Will the real Olly Mann please stand up? OK, sit down, you look exactly like the fake one.
…actually, not ‘not’. See what a pain in the arse that joke is? Leave it in the 90s, people! This is our plea in Answer Me This! Episode 193:
Today we ponder upon:
beluga whales vs. beluga caviar
charity shop returns policies
Teri Hatcher in Swedish
the irony of Google Chrome.
Plus: Olly is jealous of you people who’ve had milkmen (oo-er, missus!); Helen will be hiding in plain sight when she goes on the lam; and Martin the Sound Man is happy to be the theme of your stag/hen parties. L-plates and fake veils do look great against a tweed jacket and facial hair.
This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available for iPhones, iPads and Android devices) is about the books that wind up in charity shops before they are even dog-eared. Not this book, though! Perish the thought.
Do NOT, however, perish thoughts of sending us your QUESTIONS. Pose them to us as voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or fire up the Skype and look for answermethis) or emails to firstname.lastname@example.org. In the Age of Austerity, it’s one thing you needn’t stint upon.
Plus: Olly’s love of aubergines knows only two boundaries; Helen really wants to know what is happening behind the smooth visages of human statues; and Martin the Sound Man reminisces about his days as a junior lothario, sadly before such times as he was actually interested in the ladies. Thus we learn the importance of not peaking too early.
This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App is Olly voicing his OUTRAGE at Pret A Manger for withdrawing the only thing that made him want to return to Britain from Ibiza. We hope that the Pret Powers That Be have our app on their iPhones, iPads and Android devices, so that others might be saved from suffering as Olly has.
Cheer him up by sending us your QUESTIONS to fuel the new series: ask them in voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) or emails to email@example.com. Together we will make AMT happen, oh yes we will.
It’s been a long holiday, but huzzah, we have returned intact. Since last we spoke, Olly has entered his thirties, and Helen and Martin entered the matrimonial institution (with each other, don’t worry!), so as you will hear,Answer Me This! Episode 176 is all mature and responsible right from the off:
Conversation-nuggets in today’s gold-pan include:
divine disapproval of Helen’n'Martin’s legalised union
Gordon Ramsey’s Cambodian eggy treat
the Pringles saddle
Madonna as Cruella de Vil
Pamela Anderson as cola bottle the tragic life of Mr E Forever Plaid
freedom of the city
grungers vs. lumberjacks
caviar vs. frogspawn
Plus! If you’re looking to pull, just take Olly out on the town with you; Helen bemoans the public interest in whether her womb is available to let on a nine-month contract; and Martin the Sound Man does not want to sound Dickensian. Spoilsport! This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available on iPhone or Android) is about the only meme to involve high-end millinery (that we know of): Princess Beatrice’s fancy hat.
It may have been a while, but you still know what to do: ask us QUESTIONS, in the form of voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or emails to firstname.lastname@example.org. As a reward for your diligence, you can have free audiobooks and half-price Audible membership at answermethispodcast.com/audible until June 5th. Lazy people who don’t bother asking us questions are allowed those too, as an incentive. Carrot not stick, right? And carrot sticks best of all. Blend a metaphor, get a crudite, as our great-grandmothers used to say.
It seems this week, every human celebrity with a working womb has declared herself pregnant. Since we blindly follow celebrities in all our actions, allow us to take this opportunity to announce that we, too, have a bun in the oven. Our due date is 13th January 2011 and we’ve already picked a name for the new arrival, Answer Me This! Episode 162. Ooohowowowow – we think the blighter’s on its way….:
Today’s episode is accompanied by a token amount of afterbirth and a sizable amount of the following:
Reebok Runtone Trainers
white-collar boxing ‘Heart and Soul’ Love and Other Drugs
greedy Jet Li
Peter Pan, master builder
Babycham ivy-covered halls
Mike Oldfield’s ‘Tubular Bells’
Ian McEwan’s Enduring Love
the MTV Generation
the greatest album Meat Loaf never made
Plus: Olly has a horrific DIY suggestion for replacing a lost eye; Helen brings down London, one neighbourhood at a time; and Martin the Sound Man recommends that if you only read one book in your life, it should be this one.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (get it for your shiny iPhone or your shiny Android – those of you with non-shiny phones, forget it) is a question from Mark who’s been thinking the unthinkable: if Wills’n'Kate don’t make it to the altar on April 29th, what will happen to our promised national holiday? Panic! (Don’t panic.)
You’ll also note that, at the end of the episode, we appeal for your suggestions to guide listener Karen gently into the magnificent world of book-reading. Please leave those in the comments below; then please leave your QUESTIONS for future episodes as voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) or emails to email@example.com.
Great! Now we’re off to stand on the front steps of the Portland Hospital holding a wadded-up pale blue blanket so that maybe someone takes our picture. We’re over the moon! Etc etc.
Helen & Olly
* In case you couldn’t remember what that is, here’s a refresher:
Happy halloween to you! Here’s not-at-all-reflective-of-the-festival Episode 154, but you can decide where it falls on the Trick Or Treat spectrum, 1 being a nice lollipop and 10 being a dog turd through your letterbox. Squelch! DAMN YOU PESKY KIDS.
Today, we contemplate subjects including:
Robert De Niro’s patchwork face
Nigella’s fishy keyboard
the amazing voice of Red Pepper
Welwyn Garden City vs. Letchworth Garden City
Don LaFontaine vs. Alfred Hitchcock Shutter Island
vegetable oil fountains
wigs Strictly Come Dancing demystified
a brief history of refrigeration.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App is a question from Emma about whether lentils can kill. If they can, the Ban Lentils campaign starts right here!
Elsewhere: Olly recoils at the idea of dunking fruit into a festive torrent of vegetable oil, despite his total lack of qualms about smearing absolutely everything in mayonnaise which is effectively the same thing; Helen reinterprets the Pied Piper as a cautionary tale preaching socialism; and Martin the Sound Man is uncharacteristically restrained during an entire discussion based around the word ‘shuttlecock’. We think he was sidetracked by a piece of junk mail he’d received in the post from a chocolate company, trying to sell him half-price nut hampers. Fnarrr!
While Martin sniggers like a man half his age, you can get on with sending us QUESTIONS! Leave a voicemail on the Question Line 0208 123 5877 or Skype IDanswermethis, or email them to firstname.lastname@example.org; and if you had your question answered in this week’s show, email us your address that we may dispatch your free copy of the Answer Me This! book. Next week there are no free books, but you will be able to get a not-free copy from a bookshop or The Internet, because the delightful volume will be available for sale from November 4th. As will next week’s podcast, so we’ll see you back here then! Toodles.
John Mayer vs. Stevie Ray Vaughan
AMT party vs. Elton John
moisturisers for men
John P. Charlton
Mr T in pieces
fake blue plaques
Boris Karloff’s bedroom
Buddhists’ favourite film (NB it’s not Multiplicity).
Plus: Olly reluctantly glows; Helen’s bitesize history revision is for far too big a mouth; and Harry Potter almost prevented Martin the Sound Man from achieving his doctorate. You think Voldemort’s a bastard? You do not want to get in the way of Martin with four years’ hard quantum physics in his hands. Thwarted on the very brink of escape, the man’s wrath could melt trees.
We also reminisce about the public humiliation which attended almost every step of Great British Questions Episode Two: Film, which you can see HERE. Meanwhile, over on the app, this week’s bonus noise concerns how we’d use our spare time if trapped in a Groundhog Day-style situation (clue: heroin, and serial killing).
Here’s a frontline report from a bona fide turkey egg eater, Deborah from Camden, to crack the ovine mystery of Episode 139:
I had a turkey egg for the first time recently – my mother got it from some absurdly posh farmers’ market in Kent that sold stuff like quince trees alongside the usual foreribs and heritage carrots.
They looked fantastic – like very large hen’s eggs dusted with cocoa like Mini Eggs – and tasted good too (though maybe because I fried them in a pan I’d just used for bacon?).
I’d say they came third in the seven birds eggs I was tasting for my blog, below quail and ostrich but above hen, duck, goose and pheasant. The shell was very hard – probably because turkeys are so massive they’d crush them otherwise.
Rowena from New Zealand is fully qualified to put to bed the turkey eggs question from Episode 139. Why? Because she grew up on a turkey farm, that’s why:
Turkey eggs are slightly larger than chicken eggs, their shells are a bit harder to break and their yolks are larger and more yellow than orange.
Ironically I don’t actually eat eggs so couldn’t tell you first hand what the taste is like, but I know my family prefer them to chicken eggs and when I asked my mum she said, “They’re more wholesome and heaps better for you because the turkeys are happy (I think she was just saying that because our turkeys are free range!) and the yolk is a little thicker and richer.” So that’s straight from the turkey farmer’s wife!
We don’t usually sell our eggs as we use them all for hatching more turkeys but do sell the cracked ones that we can’t incubate locally if people want them.
Thanks for assuming the yolk of responsibility, Rowena. I think we’ve finally cracked this mystery. We shell wonder no more. Etc.
Here it is folks, the final Answer Me This! of the second quarter – Episode 140:
As we clear out our desks for the break, we give the following topics an airing:
the new Mentos + Coke
Duncan Goodhew vs. Dizzy Gillespie
Leonard Cohen vs. Magnetic Fields
Siberian husky dogs vs. Paula Radcliffe
hotel breakfast buffets
Freecycle surprise party
Narnia in Canada.
Plus: it turns out Olly can multitask after all, but only in hotel bathrooms; Helen manages to make prunes even more boring than you already thought they were; and Martin the Sound Man gives a line reading of The Human Centipede, which is as close as we ever want to get to actually seeing that film.
We hereby bid you adieu for a month, but we’ll be popping back here every week to post up some choice words – and to display the results of the Berocca Challenge that we set you this episode, should any of you choose to rise to it! You can also keep in touch with us via Twitter and Facebook, but more importantly by sending us your QUESTIONS – call 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis or email email@example.com.
Parting is such sweet sorrow. We’ll be back on 15th July. Have a smashing month!
Cover your kiddies’ ears during Answer Me This! Episode 139. Not just because of the usual effing and blinding (although that can’t be wholesome for them, surely?), but because this week, we talk about [whisper] Where Babies Come From [/whisper]. Shudder!
Aside from the role of birds in the human reproductive process, we speak of:
Sauron’s bird feeders
Billy Kennedy’s fluffy dice
‘shimmering apricot mould’
the Virgin Mary vs. pelicans
Ted Heath vs. Hugh Grant
chum salmon vs. chambermates
the correct classification of pasta salad.
Plus: Olly turns his fishbowl into a scene from Cannibal Holocaust; Helen busts out another member of her Nauseating Cookery Book collection; and Martin the Sound Man seems to know more than the average sound man about clinical trials, although he was born and raised in a petri dish in a GlaxoSmithKline laboratory…
Now don’t get upset, but after next week’s episode, we’ll be taking a month off to rest our voices. So get your QUESTIONS in, quick! Call 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis or email firstname.lastname@example.org. See you next Thursday, and we’ll make that precious time together count, ok?