EPISODE 345: all just a big teenage wank fantasy

December 1, 2016 by

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Changes are afoot as the approaches its TENTH BIRTHDAY next month. But it’s mostly business as usual in Answer Me This! Episode 345, to whit:

Bat Out Of Hell: The Musical
the Angel of the North
cheese juice
getting Discovered for a glittering showbiz career
amateur theatre vs professional theatre
Orange Marys vs Filthy Martinis
Samantha Janus Womack
Boots the Chemist
Plato’s Symposium
the platonic ideal of being a bed
and
a cat called Anus.

Plus: Olly petitions for the musical role of a lifetime, or at the very least a guest spot when Song By Song podcast does a Jim Steinman season; Helen actually read some trade publications about steel for this episode, lest her commitment to AMT be in doubt; and Martin the Sound Man doing an impression of Olly’s cat Coco will one day be Exhibit A in Helen’s murder trial.

In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – we take a trip to Winter Wonderland. Or rather winterwonderland.com, the perfect Christmas gift for only £500,000.

The perfect Christmas gift for only £2.49 is, of course, the AMT Christmas album – find out more about its contents at answermethispodcast.com/christmas, then tell Santa to buy it for you from the AMT store, iTunes or Amazon.

Thanks to our friends at Squarespace.com for sponsoring this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-hosting and -designing services for a whole year if you use the discount code ‘answer‘. What a gift!

FREE festive fun for all the family is the Argos Game: we challenge you to find a product in the Argos catalogue that is more expensive than this £32,000 20ft swim tub (but be careful not to get too sexy in it, for your teeth’s sake).

Send us questions for the next episode: call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, and email answermethispodcast@ googlemail.com. Be our interfriend at twitter.com/helenandolly and facebook.com/answermethis.

BUT ALSO please send us affectionate voicemails – or email us voice memos – for our tenth birthday episode. Deadline is New Year’s Eve, and the episode, AMT346, will appear on 4 January 2017. Join us! Without you, we are nothing! Etc!

Helen & Olly

••• AMT345 Child-Friendly Rating: 40%. F-words R Us. •••

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EPISODE 344: shining the silver

November 17, 2016 by

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Cuddle up, listeners. Recorded on the day of the US election before the result came in, Answer Me This! Episode 344 is a relic of the pre-Trump era, in which we blithely speak of:

Savoy cabbage
Savoy Theatre
Savoy Hotel
Savoyterranean Homesick Blues
Argos’s finest tractor mower
‘Staying Alive’
Napoleon Dynamite vs Black Swan
zombie cockroaches
Concorde 2
zesty Richard Blackwood
and
where is Condoleezza Rice?

Plus: Olly will lie through his artificially whitened teeth to get on the radio; Helen was lured onto Late Night Womanʼs Hour under false pretences; and Martin the Sound Man used to love a good read of the Argos Catalogue.

In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App, Olly describes his happy place. Yes, it is Disney-related. Get the app for your iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices.

Thanks to our friends at Squarespace.com for sponsoring this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-hosting and -designing services for a whole year if you use the discount code ‘answer‘.

Shop for our first 200 episodes or our albums at answermethisstore.com. Also remember to get yourself a free Audible audiobook at answermethispodcast.com/audible.

To send us questions for future episodes, call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, and email answermethispodcast@ googlemail.com. Be our interfriend at twitter.com/helenandolly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back on 1 December with AMT345,

Helen & Olly

••• AMT344 Child-Friendly Rating: 84%. No bawd, and few – if any – swears (sorry, we weren’t really paying attention). •••

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EPISODE 343: ram dressed as lamb

November 3, 2016 by

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Ever worried that if you donate blood, someone might have it transfused into their body then incriminate you in their crime? No, us neither, but one questioneer is concerned. Hear his fear in Answer Me This! Episode 343, as well as:

Mount Rushmore vs the Cerne Abbas Giant
the Queen vs Johnny Depp
plates vs slates
packing with Rachel Grant vs unpacking with Martin the Sound Man
sawn-off shotguns
mutton dressed as lamb
the world’s biggest sculpture
Nadine Girls Aloud’s candle-vending career
and
Heinz Beanz.

Plus: Olly concocts a brilliant/ridiculous Jonathan Creek plot;
Helen misses working as a barmaidbartender, even if she was effectively a parody of the role; and Martin the Sound Man would like you to bring him flowers, please.

The Mann family firearm features in today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App. Get the app for your iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices.

Thanks to our friends at Squarespace.com for sponsoring this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-hosting and -designing services for a whole year if you use the discount code ‘answer‘.

Shop for our first 200 episodes or our albums at answermethisstore.com. You can also give us money without having to give us any of your own money if you get yourself a FREE AUDIOBOOK for you at answermethispodcast.com/audible.

To send us questions for future episodes, call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, and email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Be our interfriend at twitter.com/helenandolly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back on 16 November with AMT344,

Helen & Olly

••• AMT343 Child-Friendly Rating: 72%. No lewd content, but a few F-level swears, and a discussion of guns. •••

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EPISODE 342: millionaires dicking around

October 20, 2016 by

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What do you do when your friend has fallen for a pathological liar? Do you a) confront the fibber with evidence of their deceit, or b) write to a comedy podcast? It’s fairly easy for you to find out: just listen to Answer Me This! Episode 342, in which we also discuss:

dining with babies
dining with strangers’ shitty babies
the Oscars Curse
Jenny Beavan’s red carpet look
supergroups on superyachts
gregarious egregious Gregs
and
the advantage of the cupcake

Plus: Olly betrayed his former self by not doing his wedding dance to ‘The Snooker Song‘ from The Hunting of the Snark; Helen is giving away a dead good podcast idea; and Dave Stewart is not welcome to shit up Martin the Sound Man’s supergroup.

Today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App is about a bit of crap on a lot of kitchen worktops: spiralisers, the existence of which is irking Gemma from Cannock (yes, yes, Martin; the town in the West Midlands to which 80s popstar Tiffany moved after her heyday). Get the app for your iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices.

Thanks to our friends at Squarespace.com for sponsoring this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-hosting and -designing services for a whole year if you use the discount code ‘answer‘.

We’re open for business at answermethisstore.com if you want to buy our first 200 episodes or our albums. You can also give us money without having to give us any of your own money if you get yourself a FREE AUDIOBOOK for you at answermethispodcast.com/audible.

To send us questions for future episodes, call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, and email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Be our interfriend at twitter.com/helenandolly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back on 2 November with AMT343,

Helen & Olly

••• AMT342 Child-Friendly Rating: 66%. A smattering of swears. Low on crudity. •••

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EPISODE 341: sensational sausage

October 6, 2016 by

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In Answer Me This! Episode 341, Olly has some big news. Is it about his cat? Is it about an amazing bargain he bought at Costco?? Is it about a fake tan spray that never fades??? Is it even better than any of those things????

We also deal with questions concerning:

frogs’ legs
frogs’ bodies
Jamie Oliver’s jollies
McDonald’s fries
Dirty Diana Ross vs Dirty Diana, Princess of Wales
Whoppers vs Big Macs
Disneyland Paris
ham-places
delicious Polish food in Birmingham
and
giant potatoes.

Plus: there is a third in Olly’s relationship, and it is an app for tracking ships; Helen refuses to be bore-shamed; and Martin the Sound Man done a joke, so adopt the brace position.

Today’s bumper Bonus Bit of Crap on the App is more of Olly’s Big News, so join the festivities on your iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices.

We’re open for business at answermethisstore.com if you want to buy our first 200 episodes or our albums. You can also give us money without having to give us any of your own money if you get yourself a FREE AUDIOBOOK for you at answermethispodcast.com/audible.

To send us questions for future episodes, call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, and email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Be our interfriend at twitter.com/helenandolly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back on 22 October with AMT342,

Helen & Olly

••• AMT341 Child-Friendly Rating: 57%. Not deeply obscene but generally a bit vulgar. •••

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EPISODE 340: the post-pre-Netflix world

September 22, 2016 by

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Listeners, how terribly remiss of us to make it through three quarters of 2016 without marking the fact that it has been designated by the UN as the International Year of Pulses. But thankfully there’s still three months of it in which to celebrate, starting with a pulverised pea party in Answer Me This! Episode 340. We also speak of:

VHS tapes
bear shit
whale shit
mushy peas
candy floss
Graham from Canada nostalgia
double beds
The Hays Code
bad advice from The Modern Man (NOT The Modern Mann)
marrowfat facts (marrowfacts?)
and
FitFatbit.

Plus: Olly finally unsubscribed from his ‘Paying for a gym is just as productive as attending a gym’ fitness plan; Helen advises on her specialist subject: avoiding social interaction; and Martin the Sound Man is all umami and no trousers.

In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available on iThings, Android and Windows devices – an anonymous questioneer has a dilemma about free wine. Well, it’s not really free. Someone always pays. Just, in this case, not him. (But possibly Martin, twice, because he is SUCH a good citizen.)

If you want to spend your wine budget on more AMT, head to answermethisstore.com to stock up on our albums and our first 200 episodes. You can also generate FREE MONEY for us and a FREE AUDIOBOOK for you at answermethispodcast.com/audible.

To send us questions for future episodes, call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, and email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Be our interfriend at twitter.com/helenandolly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back on 6 October with AMT341,

Helen & Olly

••• AMT340 Child-Friendly Rating: 44%. Quite a few strong swears. References to sex. •••

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EPISODE 339: The Master Baker

September 8, 2016 by

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All hail the greatest Middleton sibling – not the one that begat the next generation of royals; not the one with 2011’s favourite bottom; the Marshmallow King!

He appears in Answer Me This! Episode 339, alongside such topics as:

Jaffa cakes
Pringles cakes
The Great British Bake Off vs the Pillsbury Bake-Off
QR codes
MILF money
emergency services before 999
Thomas Edison electrocuting animals (but not an elephant)
spotted dick dogs
and
the state of being on fleek.

Plus: Olly would happily forgo the best thing about Dalmatians, the wally; Helen ponders making an augmented reality patchwork quilt; and Martin the Sound Man needs praise ASAP – it’s an emergency!

Today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available on iThings, Android and Windows devices – sees Helen trying to get in on the Pippa Middleton party book business.

For more royal infotainment, get the AMT Jubilee album from answermethisstore.com, where you can also find our other albums, and our first 200 episodes. If you need further noises in your life, get yourself a free audiobook at answermethispodcast.com/audible.

Today’s episode was sponsored by the whacking great text adventure game Fallen London, which you can play in browser or app; but you’ll get some in-game freebies if you sign up at failbettergames.com/answers.

To send us questions for future episodes, call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, and email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Be our interfriend at twitter.com/helenandolly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back on 22 September with AMT340,

Helen & Olly

••• AMT339 Child-Friendly Rating: 57%
Mentions drug use and contains a couple of strong swears, but no bawdy talk. •••


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EPISODE 338: space cake

August 25, 2016 by

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Your mother’s been given some free space cake but she doesn’t want to fail her workplace’s random drug tests. What should she do? In Answer Me This! Episode 338, we tackle this question as well as such issues as:

Olympic medals
Olympic rings
human urine vs cat urine
marriage vs Masada
capital city compromises
having a lot of weddings
popping your pussy
pole vault penis problems
IKEA product names
and
things to do with egg yolks.

Plus: Olly’s interest in sport is exhausted for another four years; Helen would rather be left with a yolk than an eggwhite; and Martin the Sound Man’s feet are irresistible to Harvey Mann. Another Fergie-style scandal in the making?

If, like Harvey, you can’t get enough of Martin the Sound Man, get our app – available on iThings, Android and Windows devices – because today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App is the tale of Martin’s recent triumphant mission to Coinstar. Guess how much! Go on, guess!

And guess how many classic episodes of AMT await you at answermethisstore.com? 200! If you buy any of them, or our special albums – eg the AMT Sports Day or Answer Me This! Holiday or AMT Love – you’re both audiotaining yourself AND helping to support the show. Likewise if you get yourself a free audiobook at answermethispodcast.com/audible.

To send us questions for future episodes, call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, and email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Be our interfriend at twitter.com/helenandolly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back on 8 September with AMT339,

Helen & Olly

••• AMT338 Child-Friendly Rating: 27%
Contains sex, drugs and swearing. •••


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EPISODE 337: not to be sold separately

August 11, 2016 by
The last AMT recording in the show's birthplace and home (also Helen and Martin's home)

The last AMT recording in the show’s birthplace and home (also Helen and Martin’s home)

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Well, this is it: the final episode to be recorded at the Zaltzwick homestead, at the housewarming party of which Olly came up to Helen and asked her to do a podcast. You know what happened next…

If you DON’T know what happened next: a shitload of episodes. Including the latest, Answer Me This! Episode 337, in which we discuss:

tandems
Native American food
fingerprints
coconut oil
what to drink with your kebab
The Beef and Dairy Network
celebrity soap opera cameos breaking down the fourth wall
planting evidence
oil pulling
and
reading mum’s diary.

Plus: how The Archers affects Olly’s libido; how soup repels Helen more than a plateful of brains; how Martin the Sound Man ruins/elevates a future episode of Miss Marple.

Today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App is a question from Kirsty from Edinburgh about The Casket and Sunnyside magazine, formerly the number 1 toilet read for the funeral industry. Get the app on your Apple, Android and Windows devices. For further audio, treat yourself to a free audiobook at answermethispodcast.com/audible.

We forgot to mention that today’s intermission is from AMT121; get it, or any of AMTs 1-200, from answermethisstore.com. You’ll find our albums there as well; the Olympic Times are also the AMT Sports Day Times, and Summer Holiday Times are also the Answer Me This! Holiday Times. But both of those albums still work if you shun the Olympics and/or holidays.

To send us questions for future episodes, email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, and leave us a voicemail by Skyping answermethis or calling 0208 123 5877. Did you recognise the songs in Thom from Pennsylvania’s supercut of the phone jingle? They were:

0 – Maneater by Hall and Oates
2 – Another One Bites the Dust by Queen
0 – Wake Up by Arcade Fire
8 – Too Late by Carole King
1 – One by Three Dog Night
2 – Just the Two of Us by Bill Withers
3 – Two Outta Three Ain’t Bad by Meatloaf
5 – 8675309 by Tommy Tutone
double – Double Trouble by Lynyrd Skynyrd
7 – Seven by Prince

Say hi at twitter.com/helenandolly and facebook.com/answermethis – and hang out with Helen in real life at the Allusionist live show during the London Podcast Festival. Get your tickets here.

We’ll be back on 25 August with AMT338,

Helen & Olly

••• AMT337 Child-Friendly Rating: 70%. Are there any swears in this episode at all? There is a non-graphic question about sex, that may tip a child off to the fact that their parent may have had it. But they have to acknowledge this sooner or later. •••

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EPISODE 336: have the decency to get your balls out

July 28, 2016 by

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There are many refreshments in Answer Me This! Episode 336: tea, milk, and a drink Olly describes as ‘mashed-up urinal cake in a glass’. Mmmm! It’s the new hipster cocktail!

We also consider such topics as:

‘Roses are Red’
getting an upgrade at the airport
honeymoon bowel trouble
hush puppies
Hush Puppies
Slush Puppies
this famous policeman’s helmet
flowery emoji
things to do in Peterborough
signatures
and
streaking.

Plus: Olly would like it to be known that he is not a geek (except for musical theatre and Disney); forget going naked, Helen won’t even take her cardigan off for money; and Martin the Sound Man believes in bowel karma.

Sorry for forgetting the Bonus Bit of Crap on the App for AMT335, but this one contains further contemplation of streaking and public nudity. Get the app on your iThings, Android and Windows devices.

There are links to the apps at answermethisstore.com, where you’ll also find AMTs 1-200, plus our special albums. The Answer Me This! Holiday is the (or at least a) soundtrack to your summer, and there’s also AMT Sports Day to get you pumped for the Olympics. And remember to get your free audiobook at answermethispodcast.com/audible. By doing any or all of these things, you’re supporting the show.

To send us questions for future episodes, call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, and email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Be our interfriend at twitter.com/helenandolly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back on 11 August with AMT337,

Helen & Olly

••• AMT336 Child-Friendly Rating: 60%low on foul language but there are references to sex. •••

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EPISODE 335: you cannot patent drinking and urinating

July 14, 2016 by

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Who let the dogs out? And who got the dogs stoned? We address these very important canine questions in Answer Me This! Episode 335, along with others more about:

Lego love, lost
wedding gambling
Soda Stream vs Nutribullet
pissing dolls vs pissing Elmo
theatre-adjacent Italian restaurants
the Crystal Palace pizza district
Tony Awards for Tonys
Oscar Isaac
Oscar Hammerstein II
and
Oscar seatfillers.

Plus: Olly is DONE with Star Wars, so don’t even bother; Helen is waiting for the Emmys to introduce a podcasting category; and Martin the Sound Man could improve his gifting game.

Need something to ease you off the thrill of the Wimblesport, or hype you up for the imminent Olympics? Try the AMT Sports Day album from answermethisstore.com, where you can also purchase our other albums and episodes 1-200 – including AMTs 186 and 187 for the full Owl City experience by proxy. And remember to get your free audiobook at answermethispodcast.com/audible.

To send us questions for future episodes, call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, and email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Be our interfriend at twitter.com/helenandolly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back on 28 July with AMT336,

Helen & Olly

••• AMT335 Child-Friendly Rating: 72%. Only a swear or two, but there is discussion of drugs, gambling and disrespectful sexual behaviour. •••

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EPISODE 334: Earth Mysteries

June 30, 2016 by

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While Britain Brexits, the rest of us brick it. Well, one listener certainly does, as the proud owner of a single brick. Congratulations, that man! We’re glad one listener in Answer Me This! Episode 334 is happy, at least. Others have trouble with:

public sex
haircuts in space
Apple Store geniuses
buttercups
the Pilton Glastonbury Festival
gravity vs hair-washing
wind chimes
ambient noise apps
queening
Eiffel Towering
Jeff Lynne
and
the price of clay.

Plus: Olly attends a Barry Manilow rally; Helen makes clear the relationship between her and podcast listeners; and Martin the Sound Man manages to sully both sexy role play and the Apple Store in one line.

In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available for iThings, Android and Windows devices), Olly is perplexed by the logistics of ‘queening’, and we wonder about the admin of having a particularly thrilling sex life.

For an easier-to-organise thrill, get the AMT Sports Day album from answermethisstore.com, where you can also purchase our other albums and episodes 1-200. And treat yourself to a free audiobook at answermethispodcast.com/audible, to drown out the sound of Britain sticking its hand into the toaster and screaming with surprise when it hurts.

You can also spot a bit of Glastonbury in the Romance instalment of our Great* British Questions series of videos from a few years ago.

*sob!

Oh, and Martin did a song about a brick.

Got questions? Call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, and email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Be our interfriend at twitter.com/helenandolly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back on 14 July with AMT335,

Helen & Olly

••• AMT334 Child-Friendly Rating: 5%. Contains the earliest swear ever in an episode of AMT. Blame Brexit. •••

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