ding dong the bitch is (nearly) gone

••• CLICK HERE TO CATCH UP ON AMT281 •••

It’s not just Cupcake Lady who has a problem colleague. Jennifer in Dublin is similarly afflicted:

In my job, it’s always up to me to arrange cards and collections when someone is leaving. It’s not actually in my job description, but being the general office skivvy it’s an unspoken rule that I do it (and I HATE it).

In a few weeks one woman who’s been here for a few months on a temporary transfer from another department is leaving. This woman is possibly the rudest, most ignorant person I have ever met. As well as being terrible at her job, she thinks she’s above everyone else, constantly loses and damages equipment and has even been rude to the boss. It’s like she’s in another world and just will not listen to anyone else. In retrospect, the other department probably encouraged this transfer to get rid of her.

So answer me this: do I arrange her leaving card and present even though I hate her and she’s been personally rude to me? Why should I do a nice thing for someone who makes my job more difficult?

Another twist in this dilemma is that her last day is also MY last day. Should I just do nothing and hope that whoever arranges my card and present does one for her too? That is presuming that someone does arrange one for me…

As I have largely worked on my own throughout my career, I need you office-dwelling readers to help out Jennifer in the comments.

But, in the spirit of altruism, I think you should sort out her card and present. It doesn’t have to be a particularly good one – eg if the usual office expenditure per present is £25, get her a cut price box of Black Magic – but try to rise above her human follies. Although you can’t stop people writing ‘FUCK OFF AND DIE! xx Michelle’ in the card. And by ‘can’t’, I mean ‘needn’t bother’.

Regarding your own departure: my poor old father-in-law was similarly the birthday/leaving celebration organiser, so of course when it was his own landmark birthday, his colleagues totally shat the bed and forgot. He was, rightly, not pleased. To avoid your own disappointment, therefore, start dropping heavy hints to some of your colleagues with whom you’re friendly. And when you’re touting around the card and collection plate for your office nemesis, you could even mention to everyone in turn that as you’re leaving, the next card and collection will have to be done by somebody else. You could even jovially remark, “And as I’m leaving on the same day as this bitch, that collection will be for me! So you’d better dig deep, hey?” OK, that has leapt clean over the boundaries of Hint and landed smack bang in Blatant Instruction, but how often do hints work? Will hints go out and buy your leaving present? Will hints console you in three years’ time when you’re still stewing about not getting a leaving card? Screw hints! Life’s too short for hints. In fact, send around a pan-office memo right now demanding a high-value present be supplied to you by 4pm on your final day. BECOME the office bitch.

• ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

arbitrary aversions

••• CLICK HERE TO CATCH UP ON AMT281 •••

Here’s a question from Joe in Kent:

For his previous birthday, I bought my friend the complete box set of Arrested Development. Several months later, our mutual friend told me that said person refuses to watch the TV show Arrested Development because he doesn’t like the band Arrested Development.

Answer me this: am I right in thinking that that is really weird? Isn’t that like refusing to listen to the musician Dennis Wilson because his name sounds a bit like the serial killer Dennis Nilsen?*

Also, have any of you experienced similarly weird prejudices based on such a tenuous connection?

First question first: yes, quite weird, given the overlap between the adventures of Mr Wendal and the Bluth family is pretty small – unless, using the money donated by the song’s narrator, Mr Wendal works his way up to a successful frozen banana business?

Alternatively: perhaps your friend took a very firm pro-band stance in the battle of Arrested Development vs Arrested Development.

Second question second, I throw out to you readers: go to the comments and tell us about your tenous irrational aversions. Unless you have an irrational aversion to doing that.

*Or, for a closer Dennis Nilsen comparison, the musician Harry Nillson. Do you refuse to listen to ‘Without You‘ because of the mental image of a necrophiliac serial killer blocking his neighbours’ drains because he flushed bits of his victims down the toilet? Guess now you might.

• ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Disney World man shortage solution

✯ DECK YOUR EARS WITH THE AMT CHRISTMAS ALBUM ✯

If Sarah Beeny can set up a dating service, perhaps we can too? Our first specimen could be Tony from Perth, Western Australia, who writes:

I just finished listening to AMT280 and in it you mentioned Chesca who has started working at Disney World Florida. I thought I would put it out there that I am also single and I happen to be heading over to Florida in April next year. So answer me this: do you think I have a chance with Chesca?

Chesca, if you’re reading this: fancy going on a blind date with a man about whom we know nothing aside from he’s an AMT fan and lives in one of the most remote cities in the world, so it would probably be more of a quickie than a relationship? Let us know and we’ll set you kids up!

Caitlin from Breckenridge, Colorado chips in:

I heard that one of your listeners works at Disney World and has the issue of too few men. I have been living in a ski town and find I have the opposite problem. There are far more men then women. The solution to your listener’s problem is move to a ski town!

However it is not all that it appears. The saying goes: “The odds are good, but the goods are odd.” Despite the numbers being in my favor, there are few men that are worth dating. What would your tactic be in sorting out the good boys from the odd ones? Should I create a quiz? Should they have a set of criteria that they must meet?

We couldn’t really venture an answer unless you elaborate upon the nature of the oddness, or even condone assessing potential fun-partners using something as arbitrary as a quiz; but readers, ski down to the comments and let us know your system for sorting the hits from the gits.

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT280 •••

• ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

festive forbearance

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT279 •••

Scott from Bury is a fraction of the man he used to be, and would like to remain so:

Both my girlfriend and I have had some success with calorie restrictive diets, losing 9 stone between us in approx a year and a half. However, we have some more work yet to do and feel that we would get through the last difficult steps of this process much quicker and easier if we had fewer social engagements with friends and family on our calendar (obviously including the gut-busting Christmas and new year holidays coming up).

So answer me this, should we accept a short term life (6 months maybe) as anti-social shut ins to archive our goals? Or is there a better way to get the best of both worlds?

I think you can do both. If you’re invited to something which is very food-focused, eg a dinner party, it’s probably simpler to avoid it than to try to make it work with your diet. A fairly easy excuse is to pretend you’ve already said you’d go to another fixture that evening.

However, if the party involves milling around with canapes, you can survive it: make sure you don’t arrive at the party hungry; bring some diet-compatible snacks if need be; and keep your hands full at all times with glasses, stupid Christmas props, etc. And stay away from the eggnog, which should be easy, since it’s eggnog.

Readers, any tips for Scott to maintain his new slimline frame this festive period?

• ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

‘character-building’ baby names

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT278 •••

As babies continue insist on being born, and the law insists those babies are given names, we receive plenty questions about baby names. Here’s one from Andy from Wimbledon:

My best friend and his lovely wife are expecting a baby boy in the new year.

However, on the issue of names, my friend has decided that the boy child is to be named “Tyrion”, after Tyrion Lannister, the dwarf from Game of Thrones.

Now I’m only halfway through the first season of GoT, but already I’m concerned that naming a child after a dwarf who has a penchant for booze and whores might not be the best option.

Furthermore, this being Game of Thrones, it’s no spoiler to presume that at some point the character in question will be involved in something hideously despicable/incestuous/immoral which could well tarnish the name (i.e. you don’t see many birth announcements in The Times for boys named ‘Adolf’ anymore).

So answer me this – how do you go about telling someone that their choice of baby name isn’t perhaps appropriate? Or should I, like everyone else, just keep quiet and coo over the baby and its ‘lovely’ name once the thing is born?

Yes. That. Regardless of whether you voice your (reasonable) objections, if your friends love that name, they’re going to bestow it upon their boy. So don’t add a black mark to your permanent record when it won’t help the baby anyway. About the furthest you can go is leaving a newspaper in their loo, casually folded open upon an article about how naming a child after a current big TV series is a bit tacky.

Anyway, the impending baby Tyrion might have got off lightly, if this tale from Sam in Langbank is to be believed:

My friend, Hannah, told me her friend Craig’s mum was working in a maternity ward at a hospital somewhere in Glasgow. She was asking a new mother to write down on a form the name of her new baby girl. The mum then wrote this: ‘La-a’. Craig’s mum then said “Oh, that’s an unusual name”. To which the woman replied, “Yeah. Ladasha.”

This is possibly the best name I’ve ever heard.

Answer me this what is the oddest name you have ever heard of?

PS my biology teacher also taught someone called Princess-Jamie-Babes Brown.

People at my school claimed to know a girl called Autumn Dawn Forecast. And a friend at university swore she had known a boy called Norman Conquest. Let’s face it: if your surname was Conquest, you’d be a fool to resist that opportunity.

• ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

right wingers, right wangers

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT278 •••

Ben from Redditch needs your help to commit disobedient acts. Read his email then advise him in the comments:

I’m 31 and white, my town over the last few years has had a growth in the power of certain right wing parties. This being not the result of more people voting for them but instead the poor turnout to the polls by average voters. Due to a certain longed-haired joke teller giving out his half-baked unexplored ideas to a love-sick quiz show host, I fear this will happen once again.

As a white person I see it as my place to sabotage in whatever childish way I can the campaign car for said parties/party. People of different ethnicities run the risk of being pointed out as an example of the negative behaviour of their people. So as a wasp I do what I can in conversation to change people’s minds. Last time I explained it to a girlfriend of mine with such passion that she decided we should go out and drive-by egg the campaign float. I guess the subtext of that is that I think I’m brilliant.

However, currently boo-less and somewhat older, I would like to make more of a protest. I thought of following them round with just a massive sign that points and reads simply ‘TWAT’. Or could I do better?

So answer me this: what would be my rights if I just stood in front of their car so it couldn’t move? I’m used to confrontation and plan to have someone filming me the whole time so threats or violence would be a win. Or am I just being a show off and causing them more popularity?

Well readers, what reckon you to Ben and his Emily Davison yearnings?

• ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

alright?

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT277 •••

Here’s a question of vernacular from Alex:

I’m from Sweden but I’ve lived in the UK for 10 years – which is is about a third of my life.

I have adjusted well and feel like I understand the British sense of humour, culture and got to grips with you poor dental care and MRSA-ridden hospitals, your crazy ass parliament (a bunch of posh old men shouting at each other?!), binge drinking, TOWIE etc.

One thing I still haven’t got to grips with is this:

When someone greets me by saying “alright?”

Do they mean “Hi!” or do they mean “How are you?”
I never know how to respond; do I say, “I’m good thanks, how are you?” do I say “hi” back, or do I say “alright”?

Also, my boss always says “you ok?” to me, rather than saying “hi” or even “alright?”. Does this mean the same thing i.e. a greeting, or is he genuinely concerned about my wellbeing?

So, in conclusion, how do I respond to “alright?” or “you ok?”

You’re right to suspect, Alex, that these people aren’t really too interested in your health. Think of these as greetings which are slightly more elaborate than “Hi”, in that they’re inviting you to respond, even if you’re responding in kind with meaningless small talk. “Fine thanks, how are you?” is always an appropriate response, regardless of whether you’re actually fine and interested in how the other person is.

The next step in the dance is more difficult to predict. Ideally, you’ll either move on to actual conversation rather than filler, or part company, but sometimes you can be trapped in a small talk volley for several minutes or even hours. So always have an exit strategy, because you don’t want to die from a ruptured bladder after being too polite to end a week-long exchange of casual greetings.

• ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Hung prototype

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT276 •••

AMTlistener Robbie has cottoned on to the SCANDALOUS Hollywood epidemic of plagiarism and plot-recycling:

I definitely definitely definitely remember sitting up at 3 in the morning sometime between 2006 and 2010 watching a movie with the EXACT PLOT and virtually every cast member of the HBO programme Hung – but every time I’ve tried to do find out anything about this definitely existent film Google’s just come back with nothing…

The film I saw was lighter than the show – less gratuitous swearing and cock/fanny shots – and the lead character’s wife was NOT played by Anne Heche as she is is the show – she was played by Hope Davis. One or both of the lead character’s kids may have been cast differently, too…

Answer me this! Is it possible that there WAS a film of hung made before the 2009 show that was so crap that HBO had it buried – deleted from the internet?

Everyone I’ve told about this secret Hung movie thinks I’m crazy but I DEFINITELY REMEMBER WATCHING IT!!! And I think HBO are powerful enough to erase something from history, don’t you? I mean if they thought they could remake something better but didn’t want the crappy original looming o’er the project couldn’t they just sweep it under the rug so to speak???

Readers, if you have any idea what Robbie’s on about, tell him the title of this prototypical Hung thing.

• ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

just the tonic

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT276 •••

Here’s a question of quinine-filled drinkies from Garry of Sussex:

I’m a teetotaller but my favourite soft drink is Indian tonic water (the only one sold in pubs that isn’t too sweet).

But being an adventurous sort, given that I don’t drink it with gin/vodka, what might be a great way to mix it? I’ve tried lime cordial (boring) and Vimto (smelt great, tasted nasty).

Readers, repair to the comments to suggest delicious non-alcoholic tonic concoctions to Garry.

• ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

the willy maze

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT275 •••

Hey fellas! Rebecca from Oxford wants to get into your pants. Sort of. She has emailed in about what she terms ‘the willy maze’:

I noted a few weeks back a chap asked what the point of those spare buttons on shirts was.

I understand their purpose, and am grateful for their existence.

However, I do not understand the purpose of the little peep flaps on boxer shorts (and any other male underwear), and their little buttons.

I have asked my male friends, they say “No! We do not use them, we do not need them.”

As a nurse I find them rather handy for threading a catheter through, but the average male does not have a catheter. I can manage lady catheters without them.

So, answer me this: do you make full use of all the boxer short features, or do you like me agree it could be done away with, thus saving the fashion industry millions?

Gentlemen, offer your opinion:

• ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

anniversary bee tease

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT275 •••

Readers, go to the comments and offer your answers to this riddle from Tara:

I’ve been with my lovely boyfriend for 11 months now. At the weekend, we began to talk about what to do for our one year anniversary (particularly special as neither of us has reached this milestone before).

We talked about re-living our first date; going to the same place to eat then out for cocktails then, being the classy individuals we are, fucking in a park.

But then the conversation turned to presents. He said he knew what he was going to get me. Being a nosy girl, I asked for clues and he came up with one, extremely cryptic pointer:

“Michael Jackson meets bees”…

So, answer me this: what could this mean?! I’m so confused! I can’t think of two things that could be less related! Or that I’m less interested in…

Famous plastic surgery plus stinging…I think I’ve got it! Your boyfriend is getting you a faceful of Botox. Happy anniversary!

• ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Snapchat, till you get sore

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT273 •••

I can’t make head or tail of some of the following email from Emilie. Mostly because I am too old for some of the internets that the young people use, although going by the first sentence must be too old for the English grammar and syntax that the young people use as well:

On my instagram I put up a photo of what I changed one if my friends names on Snapchat.

[Can someone translate this for me, please?]

And in a couple of minutes a dude (a random one. Not one of my followers) said he will give me a shoutout. And I had to add him on Snapchat. So I did. And I sent him a Snapchat asking when he was going to shoutout.

He didn’t reply to my question but soon when it was morning where he was, he sent me a snapchat of his erect cock with the Snapchat like “morning dick”. I replied to him saying “what the fuck is your problem?”

The next day, he sent me another one saying “hey baby u up?” I replied with the same I did before.

A couple of hours passed again with another picture of his cock. I did not reply this time but told my younger brother, he then sent him snapchats saying things like “I’m going to rape you up the arse with a razor blade”.

The dude that is sending me these is under 18 so it’s illegal. Now thus brings me to my question, what are some fun ways to get back at him? But I only have one line.

Look, Emilie. You’ve left me no choice but to channel your grandmother and send you a Telegram of Truth:

FORGET ONE-LINE REVENGE ENTAILING HORRIBLE THREATS OF RAPE TO SOMEBODY YOU THINK IS UNDERAGE THOUGH LIKE MANY PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET IS QUITE POSSIBLY NOT ACTUALLY THE AGE YOU THINK HE IS AND JUST REMOVE THIS PERSON AS A CONTACT STOP FOR GOD’S SAKE CHILD WISE UP STOP WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK MOST PEOPLE USE SNAPCHAT FOR OTHER THAN COCKSHOTS AND WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT TO YOU TO RECEIVE A SHOUTOUT ON SNAPCHAT WHATEVER THAT IS STOP STOP SNAPCHATTING UNTIL YOU CAN BE TRUSTED TO SNAPCHAT AT WHICH POINT YOU PROBABLY WON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT SNAPCHAT ANY MORE STOP

That would be a really expensive telegram, but back in my day, when communications cost, people were far more judicious about how they used them.

Snapchat, indeed. Tsk. Now hand me my barley sugars.

• ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ •
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH