Posts Tagged ‘awkward’

EPISODE 324: Wheel of Fortune for eggs

October 1, 2015

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Today’s questioneers have family troubles: troubles with their parents’ TMI; troubles with being an egg-peeling mother; troubles with having spawned a kid who’s a bit of an arsehole. Oh, the truth hurts.

You know what else hurts? Being a chicken at an 18th century fairground. Find out why in Answer Me This! Episode 324, in which we also discuss:

Disney jail
clock memes
peanuts vs monkey nuts
coconut shy vs cock shy
lard Oreos
omelette stations
oversharing parents
Yankee Doodle vs Pretty Fly For A White Guy
historical hipsters
The Eggstractor (approach with caution)
boners
and
BONGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

Plus: Olly delivers TMI about both breakfast buffets and boners (separately, not together, although we wouldn’t put it past him); even after 30 years, Helen is still in the grip of the Brownies’ indoctrination; and Martin the Sound Man has a new podcast, and the whole first series is OUT NOW at songbysongpodcast.com, so go and listen to it (after you’ve finished AMT324 first, of course).

In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iThings, Android and Windows devices – we wonder where all the diabolical pop covers of Yankee Doodle are. And before you say, “Careful what you wish for,” NB we are NOT wishing for this. Stand down, Pitbull. Zip it, Rednex.

However, there is no need to exercise such restraint when it comes to trying out today’s sponsor Squarespace.com. Use the code ANSWER to get 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year, which include a URL, loads of storage and 24/7 support. Go on, stop talking about it and start making the website of your dreams.

Don’t let Olly’s boner-talk put you off your breakfast sex ever feeling happiness again sending us your questions: leave voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Befriend us online at facebook.com/answermethis and twitter.com/HelenAndOlly.

We’ll return on 15th October 2015 with AMT325. BONGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

Helen & Olly

••• AMT324 Child-Friendly Rating: 70%. We weren’t being especially vigilant about swears, but nor were we being particularly sweary. There is talk of boners, but in an educational more than XXX manner. •••

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dog sitting

September 17, 2015

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Anonymous Man is dogged by the following problem:

I recently offered to look after my aunt and uncle’s dog while they are away on holiday. I’m a student, and my timetable for that week is really quiet, so I thought I’d be nice and offer to do it.

I had assumed, although it wasn’t discussed, that they would give me some payment in return for me taking a week of my time to do this. It would cost them at least £150 to put him in kennels, but they would never do that as they would be worried he’d get upset in kennels. They earn a decent wage, could easily afford to pay me something, and without me doing this they wouldn’t be able to go on holiday.

It has however became apparent that they don’t intend on paying me for this. My gran spoke to them and asked if I was getting paid, to which the response was, “Oh no, he offered to do it, why would we give him anything?” She feels I should be getting paid, but that it would be rude for her to suggest they paid me something. I feel that although money wasn’t discussed up front, a week of my time is at least worth something, and I shouldn’t need to ask about it.

So answer me this: am I being unreasonable to expect that I should be at least getting something for my time, and is there any way in which I can tactfully ask for them to pay me? My dad would probably do it, but I don’t really want to put him in an awkward situation. Or am I just being greedy?

This is why you always negotiate the finances up front!

It’s too bad your gran didn’t push a little further, since she’d already made some inroads. See if she’ll act as your agent, in return for a cut of the resulting fee. Maybe she can play hardball and not only push up the money, but also persuade them to throw in some deluxe snacks.

But it is awkward to talk about money and even more awkward to have the awkward money conversation with family members, since any unresolved awkwardness now will return with interest at Christmas. Readers, what would you do? Advise Anonymous Man in the comments.

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EPISODE 322: selfies with bears

September 3, 2015

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MISSING PERSON ALERT! If you are the elusive J formerly of Portland – or you know him (identifying features: tattooed; can make coffee; listens to AMT) – please, listen to Answer Me This! Episode 322 to hear a J-aimed plea, as well as:

selfie stick casualties
Morris merch
Desperate Dan
Aussie Man and Van vs A Nice Man With a Van
Disney Parks vs American National Parks
spa breaks
fear of holidays
phone a friend
PopMaster
stag do fun
and
hair transplants.

Plus: if Olly’s head is looking a bit red, that’s just his hair deciding to grow back; Helen will need an activity break to recover from the stress of a spa relaxation break; and Martin the Sound Man recommends a nice relaxing tour of the castles of Wales.

In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iThings, Android and Windows devices – Olly rejects the original Dennis the Menace for a foreign imposter.

Do not make the mistake of rejecting today’s sponsor Squarespace.com. Use the code ANSWER to get 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year, which include a URL, loads of storage and 24/7 support. Nowt wrong with that.

Whatever is wrong with you or the world around you can be enshrined into a question and sent to us: leave voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Befriend us online at facebook.com/answermethis and twitter.com/HelenAndOlly.

We’ll return on 17rd September 2015 with AMT323. Try not to be eaten by a bear before then.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT322 Child-Friendly Rating: 67%. Some swears, not much filth. •••

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iPad infidelity

June 22, 2015

CLICK HERE TO CATCH UP ON AMT316

in AMT315, Olly and I disagreed over procedure for questioneer C who, after some incriminating messages popped up on the iPad she’d borrowed, discovered that her boyfriend’s dad had been pursuing some extramarital interests. You lot seem to disagree too; DP writes:

I side with Olly re the inadvertent viewing of a private email on an iPad. If the dad-in-law is having a bit on the side that’s his affair (geddit?).

If the inadvertent email viewer is so shocked and feels she must blow the whistle she could torpedo what may be an otherwise happy marriage. Does she want that responsibility? If she shuts up nobody gets hurt. If she talks, she’s doing it out of a sense of moral outrage, pushing her values on other people.

And what if the in laws have an open marriage? She will look pretty silly. Adultery is a lot more common than people think. Isn’t there a saying: “What the eye doesn’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve over”?

Whereas, from my corner, Andy from Littlehampton writes:

Surely the only option she has is to speak to her partner about it. I can’t understand why you would suggest brushing it under the carpet and lying about it to her other half. It is only going to eat away at her, and if or when it does come out, which it probably will, and she hasn’t told anyone, she’d feel dreadful.

It is her partner’s decision to speak to his father, and find out if there is an innocent explanation.

My dad had an affair with another woman and if I found out that my wife had known earlier and hadn’t said anything, it would have caused serious problems in our relationship.

You don’t solve one lie, by telling another.

What do you think? Seems to me there’s no right answer – but perhaps you can come up with one in the comments.

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EPISODE 311: mermaid with a crotch

April 2, 2015

Good news! Well, good news for Olly and everyone worried that his nocturnal job was causing him to collapse in on himself like a dying star: he’s got a new job on LBC, presenting a show 8-10pm Fridays and 6.30-10pm Saturdays. The first one is tomorrow, so tune in! Meantime, listen to Answer Me This! Episode 311:

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Therein:

the Queen of Starbucks (scroll down to the bottom of the post for the NSFW original Starbucks logo)
the Hollywood Walk of Fame (apply here for a star)
a bowling alley in your home
the dangers of being a stock photo
the other Michael Jackson
the other Harrison Ford
the real struggle in Moby-Dick
Buddha vs Budai
Night Nurse vs Night Nurse
lazy Barbra Streisand
critiquing your dick pics (link extremely NSFW)
and
the first known waterbed.

Plus: Olly would rather that rats do not accompany his sexytimes; Helen is still laughing about the typo on her grandmother’s gravestone; and and Martin the Sound Man enjoys his own parallel version of AMT.

In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available for iThings, Android and Windows gadgets) we realise why it’s probably for the best that we don’t have a spare £200,000 to install a home bowling alley. Just imagine the bloodshed…

Shed no blood, but shed your QUESTIONS, by leaving voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – and emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. You can befriend us online facebook.com/answermethis and twitter.com/HelenAndOlly to deliver us your verdict on today’s episode.

We’ll return on 16nd April 2015 with AMT312, joiiiiiiin ussssssssss,

Helen & Olly

••• AMT311 Child-Friendly Rating: 40%. Strong swear word very near the beginning. 10 minutes in, there’s a question about nudie photos that you may wish your younglings to avoid. But after that, it’s pretty safe. If you start listening around 15 minutes in, it’d be at least 80% child friendly. •••

old-starbucks-logo-01-2014

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EPISODE 307: a rubber glove with no fingers

February 5, 2015

Overshadowed by a special guest appearance from Missy Elliott*, here’s Answer Me This! Episode 307:

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*Not really. She refuses to respond to our postcards.

On today’s question-answering slate:

female strippers
male strippers
drupes
Grumpy Cat
beckoning cats
Cats
Lil Bub: the Chris Martin of cats
Ben Lashes
fast food delivery
wedding diplomacy
Happy Meal toys
Ronald McDonald vs Carol Vorderman
human beatboxing
coconuts
and
Femidoms.

Plus: Olly’s brain or his wang can be stimulated, but never at the same time; Helen could have been the late-90s Beanie Baby trading magnate of Tunbridge Wells; and Martin the Sound Man exercises uncharacteristic restraint in the face of a question about beatboxing. Though he still manages to sound like he’s polishing a window with his own spit.

Today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App contains further contemplation of memes and cats and the internet’s favourite/Helen’s least favourite, cat memes. Hear on your iDevices, Android and Windows gadgets.

Thanks very much to Squarespace.com for supporting this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year if you use the code ‘ANSWER‘. Use it use it use it!

With every fibre of our being, we yearn for your QUESTIONS. Leave voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Join us in the vale of online friendship at facebook.com/answermethis and twitter.com/HelenAndOlly.

We’ll be here with AMT308 on 19th February, hopefully you will be too.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT307 Child-Friendly Rating: 39%. Swearing, strippers AND Femidoms. Maybe not. •••

PS As it sleets down upon the steeple of the AMT stronghold, here is Olly in more clement climes modelling this year’s hot look in drupes:

IMG_0681

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EPISODE 305: chicken and egg

January 8, 2015

Welcome to the ninth year of AMT! Before we get stuck into Answer Me This! Episode 305, care to guess which literary work is the inspiration for this questioneer’s tattoo?

unnamed-2

Check your answers in the show, which is here:

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Today we consider:

stealing back gifts
cheese-slicers
small socks
chocolate mice (sadly not the kind you’d include in your pick’n’mix)
Winnie-the-Pooh vs It
Tim Curry
olive crimes
audiobook auditions
doro wat
tan leather goods
and
Carmen Electra.

Plus: Olly likes to hang loose, even in his gloves; Helen’s going to have to work on her offensive foreign accents if she wants a career narrating audiobooks; and Martin the Sound Man’s morals go to shit around olives.

In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App Olly discovers the one type of present his dad Stanley IS happy to receive. Give yourself this gift by getting the app for your iDevices, Android and Windows gadgets.

Give us the gift of your questions, as voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And be our online friend at facebook.com/answermethis and twitter.com/HelenAndOlly.

Thanks very much to Squarespace.com for supporting this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year if you use the code ‘answer’. You want a nice website, don’t you? DON’T YOU? Thought so.

We’ll be back with AMT306 on 22nd January, so be ready.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT305 Child-Friendly Rating: 80%. Maybe we’ve forgotten something, but we think both language and content were pretty above-board today. Moments of parental concern may have occurred during the discussions of Stephen King’s It, and Carmen Electra. •••

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Christmas excuses

December 15, 2014

merry

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Voice your opinion in the comments if you can think of a way to salve questioneer Peter‘s festive pain:

How can I get out of spending Christmas with my in-laws? My horrible, small-minded, racist, bigoted, climate change denying, Daily Mail-reading, UKIP-voting in-laws.

Or should I just suck it up, try and remain polite and go along?

I and my wife both are Guardian- (and Independent- and BoingBoing-) reading lefty libertarians. I really am not looking forward to three days of my in-laws banging on about immigrants being to blame for everything, as well as the EU, and their trotting out the Daily Mail and Express as evidence that renewable energy doesn’t work and is all just a big con (I work designing wind farms and marine energy installations), even though it reduced Britain’s energy bills by 10% compared to gas last winter! How the recession was really caused by the Germans (not the British bankers) as a ruse to take over Europe again (because, you know, The War).

I’ve had ten of this shit! I despise them. I despise their circular thinking nonsensical irrational arguments, and I regret every moment I waste in their miserly company.

So should I break a leg? Emigrate to Germany or France? Crash the car into a tree so we cannot drive there?
Or should I just suck it up, try and remain polite and go along?
Or something else?

Peter, you’re acting like this torment is all negative, but it does fuel bitchery for you and your wife for a whole year. Perhaps you could intensify this by turning it into a satirical game: your challenge is to access your inner Chris Morris and see just how ridiculous a point of view you can get them to agree with. Brush up on Brass Eye for ideas.

Or take the easy way out and just piss off abroad till January.

(If you can’t afford to go abroad, just tell them you’ve gone abroad and don’t answer the phone or doorbell.)

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father and son

July 22, 2014

CLICK HERE TO CATCH UP ON AMT293

Another listener has found herself in a sex pickle. Inger writes:

When my last relationship ended after two years, I decided to do some proper dating (following an acceptable period of “grief”, of course) and a few weeks into the dating life I found myself dating two men regularly at the same time. One of these men was around 25 years older than me and the other my own age, and as I am a honest person I told both men that I was dating the other.

After about 6 weeks I went to the older man’s house for dinner, and as I arrived he was still cooking (a fantastic three-course meal) so I wandered around in his house looking at pictures and trinkets he had in his shelves. I reached a shelf with photos of him and a little boy, I figured it was his son (whom I did not know about) and as I moved along the shelf the little boy grew older and to my horror I realized (about mid-shelf) that it was the other man I was dating.

I sat through the whole dinner knowing that I was dating his son as well and then came up with the fastest excuse to get me out of there. So, Helen and Olly, answer me this: what is the hell do I do now?

Firstly, Inger, check you’re not starring in a sitcom.

Secondly, find some other people to date and discard both of these men immediately. Unless you want your life to turn into an actual farce, you don’t want to keep seeing one of them in case the relationship becomes serious and you have to endure a hideous meeting-the-family scenario – and all the subsequent meetings with the family forever after. And really, would you be able to cavort sexually with either of them again without being beset by such thoughts as, “Hey, my other lover came out of those very nuts!” or, “That’s not as big as his dad’s”?

Don’t worry about them too much, they can comfort each other.

Readers, what would you do? Become celibate? Keep this set-up going? Sell your story to Chat magazine? Elaborate in the comments.

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EPISODE 288 – I love that taste of Jesus

April 24, 2014

Listeners, in your opinions, what is appropriate first date chat? The weather? Stocks and shares? How many kgs you can bench-press? Ugh, no – but surely not dental work or having sex in paint, as contended with by questioneers in Answer Me This! Episode 288:

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Also on today’s agenda:

Northern Hemisphere vs Southern Hemisphere
nerdy Jewish vampires
cat toothbrushes
Facebook culls
sex pickles
The 64,000 Sixpence Question
washing up
communion wafers
fangs
and
the Clam Van Damme.

Plus: Olly tempts terribly fate by ignoring chain letters; Helen needs to learn to love ‘visually striking cerebral foreign dramas’, whatever Netflix thinks those are; and Martin the Sound Man studies human behaviour via the greasy spoon breakfast.

Let us study your behaviour by sending us your questions: call the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And you are of course welcome to join us at facebook.com/answermethis and/or twitter.com/HelenAndOlly to discuss your findings following this episode.

Many thanks to Squarespace.com for supporting today’s podcast, and for supporting your website-building ambitions by giving you 10% off their services for a whole year if you use the code Answer.

That’s it until a fortnight hence – unless we fall prey to questioneer Scott from Long Island’s knack for podcast-scuppering, in which case, so long and nice knowing you.

Helen & Olly

AMT288 Child-Friendly Rating: 47%.
A long question about the bawdy requests of Australians. A handful of cuss-words.

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foghorn friend

September 10, 2013

mr_noisy

CLICK HERE FOR AMT270

Our last questioneer was rescued from herself by a friend; but our latest correspondent Anon cannot face doing the same for his/her friend:

I’m a pretty big nerd and pretty much all of my friends are the same. We’re not totally without social graces, but there are a few quirks among our group and as someone who hangs out with the general “nerdy” type I’ve come to accept or ignore most of them. But one of my closest friends has a foible that I have a harder time with.

This person speaks LOUDLY. In general conversation they have a voice that carries, and while this isn’t so bad, when they get even remotely excited about something (which is often) they are practically screaming.

Now, this person isn’t doing it to be rude or strong arm the conversation. They are generally one of the nicest and most considerate people I know. But when we are in a small area like a car or small room this often hurts my ears, and I’ve seen other people react subtly but similarly to it. Out at restaurants this quirk gets us annoyed stares, and depending on our subject matter, worse.

I have once or twice tried to nicely say “Ooh we’re (or you’re) getting loud and excited we should quiet down”, but this doesn’t seem to stick and I feel like an asshole for saying it because I know this person is a little bit sensitive. I’ve also tried speaking lowly to try and model or encourage this person to lower their voice, but it hasn’t worked.

I have no idea how else to handle this, or even if it can be handled. I really love my friend, but I’d really like to be able to communicate this to them without hurting their feelings. I know I’d like to know if I did this. Answer me this: is there a way to deal with this problem and not offend my friend?

You have already tried the gentle approach and, while it didn’t offend your friend, it didn’t shut them up either. If you’re still not willing to broach the subject directly with them, entreat one of your bolder mutual friends to do it instead. Alternatively, here are some options:

1. When your friend gets loud, ostentatiously put in earplugs. If that doesn’t register, upgrade to large noise-cancelling headphones. Eg the kind that people wear whilst chainsawing.

2. From a theatrical prop supplier, buy some of those wineglasses that are safe to smash. With your nerd-friends, rig up a gadget so you can smash the glasses remotely. When Captain Shouty gets shouty, detonate.

3. Contract laryngitis, then give it to your friend.

4. Pay somebody to dress as a librarian and follow your friend around. Whenever your friend exceeds a certain volume, the librarian disapprovingly shushes them. After a couple of weeks, the message should have sunk in.

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team-building pole dancing

June 13, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT260

The following question from Kev wouldn’t be too weird if he worked in a strip joint. But, he doesn’t:

I recently started working at a call centre for a bank. I am nearing the end of my training, and a couple of days ago I met with the team I am to join, and my prospective manager. They all seem perfectly likeable, and my manager – a woman in her mid-forties – is very welcoming. But during this brief meeting she announced that she plans to organise a day of pole dancing for the group, which I do not like the sound of at all.

I realise that in the corporate world this kind of thing is important for team building etc, and as a new member of the team I could perhaps benefit from an event at which I would have a chance to socialise with my future colleagues, but I simply do not want to go. I don’t like doing even vaguely work-related things outside of work as this is not a career I wish to be in for a long time and there are things that I am passionate about that I could be doing with my spare time. I also think that either watching or doing pole dancing sounds completely boring; not because I am a man, but because it’s just not my thing.

I tried to find out when it was to make up a prior engagement, but I was told that the date of the event is yet to be decided based on our schedules.

So, answer me this: What do I do? Do I make up a weak and potentially transparent excuse and not go? Do I go, and have a very uncomfortable, unpaid day constantly thinking about what else I could be doing with my time? Or do I outright and honestly tell my manager that I do not want to go as I don’t think I would enjoy it or get much out of it? Would that result in her making my life at work harder than it needs to be?

Even though we discussed in AMT221 how pole dancing can be an athletic discipline rather than a purely sexy one, this does not seem to be an APPROPRIATE WORK ACTIVITY. Can you suggest an alternative?

If not, and you’re determined not to go, just tell her you have a long-standing spinal or muscular complaint. Pole dancing is physically demanding, and your manager is unlikely to want you to be laid off work with a slipped disc.

Readers, any other ideas? I’m not best placed to help, since I’ve managed to get myself out of all such situations by working on my own since 2005.

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