Posts Tagged ‘exes’

EPISODE 335: you cannot patent drinking and urinating

July 14, 2016

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Who let the dogs out? And who got the dogs stoned? We address these very important canine questions in Answer Me This! Episode 335, along with others more about:

Lego love, lost
wedding gambling
Soda Stream vs Nutribullet
pissing dolls vs pissing Elmo
theatre-adjacent Italian restaurants
the Crystal Palace pizza district
Tony Awards for Tonys
Oscar Isaac
Oscar Hammerstein II
and
Oscar seatfillers.

Plus: Olly is DONE with Star Wars, so don’t even bother; Helen is waiting for the Emmys to introduce a podcasting category; and Martin the Sound Man could improve his gifting game.

Need something to ease you off the thrill of the Wimblesport, or hype you up for the imminent Olympics? Try the AMT Sports Day album from answermethisstore.com, where you can also purchase our other albums and episodes 1-200 – including AMTs 186 and 187 for the full Owl City experience by proxy. And remember to get your free audiobook at answermethispodcast.com/audible.

To send us questions for future episodes, call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, and email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Be our interfriend at twitter.com/helenandolly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back on 28 July with AMT336,

Helen & Olly

••• AMT335 Child-Friendly Rating: 72%. Only a swear or two, but there is discussion of drugs, gambling and disrespectful sexual behaviour. •••

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EPISODE 319: Scientology for Kids

July 23, 2015

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Questioneers are full of troubles in Answer Me This! Episode 319, about such matters as:

dominatrixes (dominatrices?)
Simon Says
Nigel Slater Says
wholegrain mustard vs Dijon mustard vs mustard combo
Ritz Hotel vs Ritz Crackers
the Hummus Health Scare
being a bit of an arsehole
lavendar pits
the New Zealand flag referendum
the Black Country flag controversy
and
glitter.

Plus: Olly is obedient to nobody and nothing, except cookbooks; getting-out-of-doing-the-housework schemes suck Helen right into a sub-dom situation; and we can all hope to see the return of the Martin the Sound Man On Ice show.

In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available for iThings, Android and Windows devices) renowned theatre- and Disney-adorer Olly rejects Disney on Ice for not being theatrical enough; but we may come up with an ice show that does satisfy him.

Satisfy us with your questions: leave voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And join the virtual cuddle-party at facebook.com/answermethis and twitter.com/HelenAndOlly.

Our albums – including season-appropriate AMT Holiday – and vintage episodes are available on iTunes, Amazon, and our own answermethisstore.com. Please do explore those, as well as some of our side projects such as The Allusionist, the Guardian’s Tech Weekly, Martin on a rocking horse.

We’ll return on 6th August 2015 with AMT320.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT319 Child-Friendly Rating: 28%. Some swears.
Martin refers to Marilyn Manson, whose very name corrupts the youth. If you switch it off half an hour in, you will spare your innocent children the final question about a relationship with a dominatrix, which entails discussion of BDSM, sex and Adult Situations. •••

Costume designer Anie's proof of Ice Cinderella's dress colour.

Costume designer Anie’s proof of Ice Cinderella’s dress colour.

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new relationship, old holiday

July 21, 2015

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Here’s a conundrum from an anonymous man upon which, readers, I’d appreciate your input in the comments. He writes:

I went on holiday to Amsterdam last year with my now ex. I am now in a new relationship, and have booked a holiday to Amsterdam. So far it’s okay, my current girlfriend has no issues returning to the city for a ‘romantic city break’ despite knowing that the last time I went was with significant ex and (it did take me a long while to get over it blah blah).

However, Helen and Olly, answer me this: should I tell my new girlfriend that the hotel we’ve booked is the same as the one I went to with my ex?

I want to be honest, but at the same time I don’t want it to seem I am just reliving the past etc etc…

For the record, the reason for booking the same hotel is its good location, good price, good mix of guests and they do a really good breakfast…

Mm-hmm, and I’m sure it’s the ONLY hotel in Amsterdam capable of supplying those things.

You say ‘I don’t want it to seem I am just reliving the past’, so WHY ARE YOU RELIVING THE PAST? Or at the very least, rewriting it with a different woman playing the part of ‘girlfriend in Amsterdam’? There are plenty of romantic cities you could visit that you had not been to within the last year with somebody else. But you chose this one. The real question is “Why?” but I suspect you are unwilling to know that answer.

Alright, fine: your question was whether to tell your girlfriend. I don’t think you’ll need to. When she sees you trying to hug the hotel room wall and blubbering about how much you’ve missed it, she’ll probably figure it out.

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EPISODE 304: millions of Geoffrey, all under one roof

December 11, 2014


“Take two podcasts into the shower? Not me! I just use Answer Me This! Episode 304!”

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Today’s roster includes such topics as:

Wash & Go
roller derby rivalry
texting your ex
baby models
Geoffrey of Toys R Us
Facebook etiquette
advent calendar etiquette
Rod Stewart vs Barry Manilow
Rod Stewart’s train set
the Boston Bean
The Frog Chorus
Whip It IRL
and
the Swiss Cheese Pervert.

Plus: for Olly, giving is better than receiving (when it comes to picture messages); Helen does not belong on wheels; and Martin the Sound Man searches for logic in cartoon characters off adverts, which is really the wrong place to look.

In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available for your iDevices, Android and Windows gadgets) as we learn about reindeers and their antlers. For a whole further hour of festive fun, do listen to the Answer Me This! Christmas, available at answermethisstore.com as well as iTunes and Amazon.

All we want for Christmas are your QUESTIONS, so shove them into our stockings, by which we mean leave a message on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – or send an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Also, forge the bounds of internet friendship at facebook.com/answermethis and twitter.com/HelenAndOlly. Not LinkedIn, NEVER LinkedIn.

Thanks very much to Squarespace.com for supporting this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year if you use the code ‘answer’. That’s got to be better than anything you win in a cracker. (Except for the set of tiny screwdrivers or a bottle-opener shaped like an animal; both of these come in surprisingly useful. But, you know, the miniature pack of cards or tiny plastic comb or annoying puzzle made out of metal rings.)

The Best of AMT 2014 will be out next Thursday, 18th December. Return then!

Helen & Olly

••• AMT304 Child-Friendly Rating: 74%. Opens with further discussion of AMT303‘s cheese handjobs, but once the first couple of minutes are over, the rest of the episode’s topics are clean aside from two or three strong swears. •••

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repeat offender

September 18, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT271

Much as we want to, we can’t save Team AMT members from themselves. We told Kris once. We told Kris twice. And now it appears we have to tell him for a third time that his ex-girlfriend is manipulative, selfish, advantage-taking monster and he needs to GET RID:

Guess what, we got back together in January! After 8 months of crazy (her seeing 2-3 guys, falling pregnant etc) we decided that the fact we had talked every day meant something….and now we’ve broken up again (3 weeks ago). We had been discussing marriage and even up until two weeks ago were talking about getting back together and looking for a place.

It won’t surprise you to know that a week after our break up, she has met a new fellow via internet dating. She has described him ‘feeling like the one’. And he’s even asked her to move in with him in little over a month’s time. Yet surprisingly her behaviour has not seemed consistent. We awkwardly bumped into each other on the dating website, and she was still looking for guys after she’d met him.

She also has a box of my stuff she’s been ‘too busy to send’. She now claims she needs to source a box, which I suggested she could grab from the post office. She refuted that suggestion saying it would cost $10 and her parents have boxes for free.

Perhaps most baffling of all is that while she’s asked me to be happy she’s found her one, when I mentioned my own foray into the dating scene it was met with scorn and nitpicking on how stupid she sounded. It was the day after that she then changed her Facebook status as if to send me a message. I will admit to my own dalliance with immaturity by sending back a book which contained those lovely dovey questions. It was basically a bible of how I was the one and perfect for her – my argument was she’d kept our other sentimental shit in the past but to me it just felt hollow.

I guess the condensed version of this is, if she’s so happy with the ‘one’ why would she ever call me (admittedly not every day maybe every few days) and why would she pour such scorn on my own dating – I mean I’m happy she’s happy; why is this not mutual?

Because, as we said before Kris, this woman wants you to be available to her on her terms whenever she pleases. Your happiness is not important to her; frankly you are not important to her. She gives shits only about herself.

Even the most well-balanced person doesn’t relish hearing that an ex has moved on, even in the most friendly of circumstances. However, this woman is not that person. She does sound rather messed up – but regardless of that, she seems to be completely unrewarding as an object for your affections. Read your own emails: she has repeatedly demonstrated this.

So – say it with me, readers:

CUT HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE, KRIS!

I hardly think I can make this message clearer. And if you write to us again in 8-12 months with the same problem, I will assume that you have a fetish either for shit relationships, or for me berating you. Whichever it is, I don’t want to help you indulge in it.

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break-up playlist

August 22, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT267

He wasn’t good enough for you! You’re better off without him! and other platitudes go out to Matilda in California, who writes:

My boyfriend and I just decided (somewhat mutually) that we needed to stop seeing each other, since I’ve just started a Master’s program, and he wants to move to New Zealand for an indeterminate amount of time. I still care about him very much, so this has been a little bit rough for me.

At night, when I’m not finishing a paper or making dinner, I have taken to spending my time watching sad movies about people who have broken up with each other, listening to sad songs, and weeping uncontrollably into a pillow.

So, answer me this: What has helped you during a breakup, and can you recommend any songs that I should add to my “End of Times” playlist?

Readers, get yourselves to the comments and compile the epitome of break-up playlists. NB Matilda, avoid listening to songs you might need in future years, because once you’ve recovered from the break-up, it can be unpleasant to return to the music that sustained you through the difficult times.





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EPISODE 260 – hurr hurr Marylebone

June 6, 2013

Hello chums,

This week, listener Melvyn from Israel got in touch to ask whether we have a system for identifying AMT episodes which are suitable for his children to listen to. So from this point forward*, each episode will have a rating so you parents/children are aware of the incidence of blue language and depraved material. Answer Me This! Episode 260 scores a Child Friendly Rating of 70% (mild swearing/bawdy talk and one question about dicks).


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Today we discuss:

Wagon Wheels
jalapeños
disappointing Oxford Circus
Loose Women‘s stools (not as in bowel movement stools)
tuk tuk drivers
Fentimans
The Pammy vs. The Governess
Lord Adonis
helium
and
dressing to the left/right.

Plus: Olly has a simple but cunning method for hiding his Special Racy Magazines; Helen is a fan of neither Buckfast nor Red Bull; and the only thing bigger than Martin the Sound Man’s head is his…ego?

In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we discuss Desert Island Drugs. We may be squares in our normal lives, but leave us to die alone on a desert island and we’ll give any intoxicants a whirl.

If you haven’t, give QUESTION-ASKING a whirl: leave voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Plus, if you’re interested in hearing swear-free episode 59 or Martin-free episode 78, they – and 118 more retro AMT episodes – are available to buy at answermethispodcast.com/classic. There’s also free entertainment at answermethispodcast.com/LoveFilm.

See you next Thursday, for our last episode of this current series (oh don’t, you’ll set us off too),

Helen & Olly

*This does mean our previous 259 episodes remain the Wild West, but if you have a craven desire to go through all of them to rate them, be our guest.

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EPISODE 258 – dick-adjacent

May 23, 2013

Hello listeners,

Sound the sirens – today, in Answer Me This! Episode 258, we address a VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION. One of those questions that completely reshapes your neural pathways, redirects your chi, repapers the hallways of your spiritual palace. Get ready:

What is a dickbag?
A bag OF dicks, a bag FOR dicks, or a ballbag?

Yup. One of the greats.

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We also discuss:

cinema intervals
sleeping in parks
the not-circular Circle Line
silly cows
presidential perishables
gifts for Sophie Raworth
Dumbo vs. DUMBO
exes vs. economics
potplant-murder vs. potplant-suicide
the White House postal address
cartoon crows
and
coffee in the loo.

Plus: young Olly wanted value even more than he wanted Disney cartoons; Helen is a lady; and you don’t want to be hot-desking at Martin the Sound Man’s office, you really don’t.

In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we feel the threat of the new Greatest Show On Earth: Radio 4’s Tweet of the Day.

If birdsong isn’t your thing, how about a month of free film/TV/games instead? Deprive yourself no longer; sign up to our free LoveFilm offer right now. You’d not only be delighting yourself with all the free entertainment of LoveFilm, you’d also be helping maintain the free entertainment of AMT, because we get money if you take up the trial.

There’s another way you can help keep this show going: send us your QUESTIONS! Leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

See you next Thursday,

Helen & Olly

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EPISODE 256 – one million people laughing at your cock

May 9, 2013

Hello listeners,

We know some of you like to listen to the podcast with your little children, so just to warn you, Answer Me This! Episode 256 contains some bawdy-talk. But by all means go ahead and listen if you’re happy to field such subsequent questions from your progeny as, “Mummy, what’s a sex party?” and “Where’s a clitoris?” They were bound to find out at some point anyway, most likely from the school library’s copy of Meg and Mog go Swinging.

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Today we discuss:

crunching on the quiet carriage
black tie and board shorts
seals vs. sea lions
holes vs. flaps
owls vs. Bruce Springsteen
fat Fred Flintstone
hot tub ming machine
pants sandwiches
swinging seven days a week
LinkedIn fashion fails
and
the etiquette of revealing your genital piercings.

Plus: Olly’s very happy to be the only man in a jacuzzi, unless it’s at his local sex party house or crawling with children; Helen retroactively destroys your childhood, one bloated dead duck at a time; and Martin the Sound Man would cast Holly Hunter as Harry Potter, Gandalf, Katniss, Edward AND Bella AND Jacob, Luke Skywalker, and his wife in the film of his own life. (Holly Hunter: “Er…sorry Martin, I’m busy.” (Busy changing her locks.))

In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we worry further about the Flintstones’ health, what with the imbalanced diet and the smoking. They’re like a bunch of prehistoric cartoon Don Drapers, aren’t they?

We invite your ears to bend around more podcasts this week: Helen’s new venture Sound Women; the newest pony in Martin the Sound Man’s stable of podcasts, Brain Train; our weekly excursion on 5 Live’s Let’s Talk About Tech; and our recent guest appearance on episode 56 of Ian Collins Wants a Word.

And as ever, we invite you to send us your QUESTIONS for forthcoming episodes: leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

See you next Thursday,

Helen & Olly

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EPISODE 237 – Masters in pig sex

November 15, 2012

Dear listeners,

Apologies in advance. Today we discuss pig sex twice and it’s not even the worst kind of sex to be mentioned in Answer Me This! Episode 237:

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Wherein we contemplate:

Werther’s caramel-coated bullshit
Roger Beckham
Kelis’s milkshake vs. $0.50’s lollipop
David Byrne’s How Music Works
Anne Robinson
60 Minute Martinover
the novel companion to Twix’s study in duality
exploiting the bereaved
critical theory ruining everything
Mika
Watchdog
and
relationships with relations.

Plus: even a customised Segway won’t bring back Olly’s childhood joy; Helen will consider being your late mother’s marketing consultant, but only for actual MONEY not some old shoes; and click here to see the picture of Martin the Sound Man that brought all the boys to the yard – however do bear in mind that it IS just a picture of a 34-year-old man drinking a strawberry milkshake, nothing special. Martin’s new album, on the other hand, is very special – it comes out next week so preorder your copy HERE.

In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) Helen complains about one of her legion linguistic bugbears: the word ‘umami’. Then turns it into a song, in an effort to make her like it better.

You know what we do like a very great deal? No, NOT pig sex; your QUESTIONS. Email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.

See you next Thursday,

Helen & Olly

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EPISODE 227 – McSlurry

August 9, 2012

Hey listeners,

Of course we love hearing about your lives; also when you send us stuff. But this may have gone too far in Answer Me This! Episode 227:

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Wherein we consider:

Zooey Deschanel
holiday money
Worcestershire Sauce
wanking off vs. jacking off
Olympics vs. Eurovision
Baron Pierre de Coubertin
the sporty Vatican
flying horses
pasta sauce
and
a table covered in ice cream.

Plus: Olly doesn’t like the look of Joey Potter’s chalice nowadays, but back in the 90s he did get a bit Dawson Leary (Dawson Leery, more like); Helen was a financially responsible child – yet another way in which she peaked too early; and Martin the Sound Man recommends keeping your pasta carbonara minimalist, even if you really need a little nipper of booze to get you through.

This week’s Bit of Crap on the App iDevices and Android is a question from Joss which reveals Olly’s Napoleon Complex. This is concerning trees, not height, seeing as Olly is 6’3″ when he stands up straight.

Next week is our last episode before we take a month-long hiatus, so hurry and send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (Skype answermethis or dial 0208 123 5877) or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

See you next Thursday,

Helen & Olly

The AMT Sports Day: exercise for your ears

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EPISODE 221 – the money shot

June 28, 2012

Hello listeners,

We’re as surprised as you to discover that Answer Me This! Episode 221 opens with a heated discussion upon the topic, ‘What is art?’ Check us out with our high brows!

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Naturally our brows don’t stay high for long; in decreasing order of highfalutingness, we talk about:

Edward Lear
double-ended ice cream
Tracey Emin
Jeremy Deller‘s teenage parties
the Marquis de Sade
firefighters
bridesmaids
pole dancing
Charlie Chaplin drowning horribly
the pull-out method
and
Annabel Chong.

Plus: Olly is horrified to discover that there’s a boarding school-style communal wanking game that he’d never heard of; Helen knows how to make anything unsexy, using ham; and Martin the Sound Man would like to remind you that you only have a couple of weeks left to enter his Science Songwriter of the Future competition, so make the old man happy because he’s got a bad ear this week.

In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App Helen gives you a great tip for making new friends on late-night public transport, based on her recent encounter with a stranger’s pelvis on the Victoria Line. That stranger’s pelvis could be all yours, if you avail yourself of the app on iDevices or Android! Don’t worry if you’re married; the pelvis won’t be worrying about that either.

We don’t want your pelvises, but we do want your QUESTIONS, so thrust them our way by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving voicemails to the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis). As a reward, you may watch the video below of Eleanor from Norwich’s pole dancing team going about their totally sexless business.

See you next Thursday,

Helen & Olly

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