Posts Tagged ‘tact’

EPISODE 307: a rubber glove with no fingers

February 5, 2015

Overshadowed by a special guest appearance from Missy Elliott*, here’s Answer Me This! Episode 307:

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*Not really. She refuses to respond to our postcards.

On today’s question-answering slate:

female strippers
male strippers
drupes
Grumpy Cat
beckoning cats
Cats
Lil Bub: the Chris Martin of cats
Ben Lashes
fast food delivery
wedding diplomacy
Happy Meal toys
Ronald McDonald vs Carol Vorderman
human beatboxing
coconuts
and
Femidoms.

Plus: Olly’s brain or his wang can be stimulated, but never at the same time; Helen could have been the late-90s Beanie Baby trading magnate of Tunbridge Wells; and Martin the Sound Man exercises uncharacteristic restraint in the face of a question about beatboxing. Though he still manages to sound like he’s polishing a window with his own spit.

Today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App contains further contemplation of memes and cats and the internet’s favourite/Helen’s least favourite, cat memes. Hear on your iDevices, Android and Windows gadgets.

Thanks very much to Squarespace.com for supporting this episode, and for giving you 10% off their website-building and -hosting services for a year if you use the code ‘ANSWER‘. Use it use it use it!

With every fibre of our being, we yearn for your QUESTIONS. Leave voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Join us in the vale of online friendship at facebook.com/answermethis and twitter.com/HelenAndOlly.

We’ll be here with AMT308 on 19th February, hopefully you will be too.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT307 Child-Friendly Rating: 39%. Swearing, strippers AND Femidoms. Maybe not. •••

PS As it sleets down upon the steeple of the AMT stronghold, here is Olly in more clement climes modelling this year’s hot look in drupes:

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EPISODE 286 – code with a condom

March 27, 2014

Hello listeners!

Very exciting news: we’ve made a Radio 4 documentary to celebrate the tenth anniversary of the word ‘podcast’. It’s in two installments, out at 11am on Friday 4th and 11th April. It features many podcasting luminaries – including Marc Maron, Roman Mars, Keith and the Girl, Theresa Thorn, Betty in the Sky, the Buglers, the Night Valers, and also our old adversary Richard Herring. If you can’t wait for eight whole days to hear us talk to him, listen to the recent RHLSTP in which we air all that dirty laundry.

Amid all this talk of other things to listen to, don’t forget to apply yourself to Answer Me This! Episode 286:

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In which we discuss:

castles
Oktoberfest
chilled red wine
velvet ropes
decorative sticks
babysitting vs kitten-sitting
Mardi Gras vs Pancake Day
Navajo rugs vs dreamcatchers
Glastonbury scheduling
EcuadorPanama hats
London’s cat cafe
mythical bestiality
and
the first ever porn film.

Plus: Olly was all business, no pleasure at his school leavers’ ball; Helen prefers the pong of garlic breath to perfume; and Martin the Sound Man worries about worldly souvenirs making him into a bellend. Don’t worry Martin, you were already a bellend! JK. (Or is it?)

Today’s Bit of Crap on the App contains more perfume-chat, in which Olly sabotages any future he had as a department store perfume salesperson. Pinch your nose and spray the app into your ears from your iDevices, Android or Windows gadgets.

Here’s something that doesn’t stink: today’s episode-funders Squarespace.com offering you a 10% discount off their services for a whole year if you use the code answer3. What a breath of fresh air!

And finally, we ask that you take a deep breath and send us your QUESTIONS: call the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Back in a fortnight!

Helen & Olly

AMT286 Child-Friendly Rating: 42%. First three quarters are clean, apart from a couple of questioneer-led swears. The episode ends on a question about porn films, but by then your children will probably have fallen asleep during the earlier question about road signs.

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EPISODE 281 – a less creamy mouthful

January 16, 2014

Hello listeners!

The podcast is BACK for 2014. And changes are afoot; listen to Answer Me This! Episode 281 to discover what they are:

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But as normal, we talk about such things as:

ice sculptures
coach travel
cat litter
cystitis
Piccadilly Circus vs Times Square
country pubs vs London bars
In Bruges vs Helen in Bruges
the Blue Posts Crawl
stamps
floppy disks
empty London
attractiveness gaps
and
blank videotapes.

Plus: how schoolboy Olly Mann was both a ‘budget Elvis’ and like Jesus; how Helen’s jar of gallstones is keeping a low profile; and how Martin the Sound Man didn’t have an affair with a dog. (That he’ll admit to on air.)

In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows), Olly’s beloved cat Coco gets her Flavor Flav gear on. Of course, Olly adores her whatever she wears.

We adore your QUESTIONS, so send them in: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Thanks to Squarespace.com for funding this episode of AMT, and if you want to see an example of a Squarespace site, visit our new answermethisstore.com, where you can buy our archive episodes/albums/Best Ofs with far more of your hard-earned money going to the AMT Corporation rather than a Big Corporation.

See you in a fortnight,

Helen & Olly

AMT281 Child-Friendly Rating: 44%. Second half is pretty clean, but what use is that coming in the wake of a discussion of cystitis, masturbation and cervical mucus? Swearing: there is some.

PS Here’s that Facebook pic of the collection of baby teeth:

AMT baby teeth

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EPISODE 279 – (500) Days of Dim Sum

November 21, 2013

Abracadabra! Alacazam! Bippity Boppity Boo! Hey Presto! And other words stage magicians probably don’t use any more! But as if by magic, out of the false-bottomed top hat Answer Me This! Episode 279 appears:

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In which we speak of:

hangovers in London
The Breakfast Club burrito
card tricks
great grandparents (not great-grandparents)
the Masked Magician’s spoilers
Simon Callow’s Vegas spectacular
Olly’s fantastic grandma
grumpy old men
and
shutting children up.

Plus: Olly is bewitched by David Copperfield’s hair more than his illusions; Helen got lost on a school trip, which was probably better than being on the fun-drained trip itself; and Martin the Sound Man illustrates why the romance of (500) Days of Summer wouldn’t have worked so well if the action had been transplanted to Croydon.

In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) we consider what wisdom our grandparents passed on. Did yours bequeath any sage homilies or sensible advice? Let us know in the comments.

If you’re as excited as we are about the all-new AMT Christmas album, click HERE to find out more about it and to buy. Your money keeps this podcast going, which hopefully is a good thing in your minds as well as ours.

Also keeping this podcast going are squarespace.com, who are also keeping easy website-building going. For 10% off their services, use the code Answer11; they’re also offering you the chance to win a free YEAR of the service if you send us a link to your Squarespacetacular website – if tweeting said link, deploy the hashtag #AMTsquarespace. Come on, you competitive-spirited web-builders! PLAY TO WIN!

Finally, please send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Vanishing in a puff of smoke, but really behind a curtain,

Helen & Olly

AMT279 Child-Friendly Rating: 68%. Some swears. Discussion of hangovers, which may corrupt the youth. Deconstruction of some stage magic tricks, which may prove disillusioning to the credulous young mind.

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Tis the season for the Answer Me This! Christmas album, falalalalaaa la la la la

November 21, 2013

AMTxmas logo

Christmas has come early, AMTpals, because the Answer Me This! Christmas Album is out NOW, available to buy from iTunes, Amazon and our very own Answer Me This! Store:

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If you take the plunge and purchase it, you’re not only funding the podcast, you also get one hour of all-new Christmas chat about such festive topics as:

FOOD!  

Audio is entirely calorie-free, so feast your ears on mince pies, trifle, Brussels sprouts, poisoned turkey, lutefisk, Sandra Lee’s Kwanzaa Cake and what Christmas pudding can teach you about atomic physics (which is better than eating it).

ENTERTAINMENT!

Christmas titans Eric’n’Ernie face off against Mike Yarwood; Olly fails to be swept away by ‘Fairytale of New York’ (and don’t even get him started on ‘Christmas Wrapping’); and the Grinch stole Dr Seuss’s doctorate.

CUSTOMS!

How the Norse deities Frigga and Baldur got you to snog people under a bunch of a poisonous parasitic plant; why Rudolph’s got a red nose; how the first ever Christmas card managed to be offensive; why Kwanzaa was invented; and Santa on waterskiis.

CRISIS MANAGEMENT!

How to salvage the situation if your partner’s bought you a brilliant present and you got them something shit; what to do if you dread staying at your in-laws’ house; how to uninvite people from your party; and why you’re more likely to end up getting a divorce at Christmas. It really is the most wonderful time of the year.

DECORATIONS!

Let us deck the halls of your ears with Christmas jumpers, Christmas crackers, double beards, and paper hats, even though everyone looks like a dick in the paper hats. Especially because everyone looks like a dick in the paper hats.

The Answer Me This! Christmas Album is fun for all the family – no, it really is, because we don’t even swear. So Great-Grandma Gladys and Tiny Tim can listen happily together while you sneak off and neck the cooking brandy.

Buy it now from the Answer Me This! Store, iTUNES and AMAZON.

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EPISODE 222 – crabs’ eyes

July 5, 2012

OK listeners, lots of admin to get through this morning, so pay attention:

1. We have a new album out! Click here to learn more about/buy The Answer Me This! Sports Day. Clue: it’s all about the Olympics sport.
2. We’re interviewed on the latest episode of the marvellous podcast Getting Better Acquainted, which you can hear here.
3. We’re also on Answer Me This! Episode 222, as you might expect.
4. If we sound a bit maniacal to you in the episode, it’s because of the sugar rushes provided by the AMTfans at Roly’s Fudge. Sooooo many sweeties… We’ll have a little lie-down while you listen:

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Today we consider:

the definitive version of ‘Hallelujah
Brighton Pavilion
campfire guitar war
the Cornwall vs. Devon clotted cream war
universally compulsory therapy
Disneyland Battersea
Giraffe
Sir Giles Gilbert Scott
Dr Richard Russell’s seawater cure
energy drinks
Emily Woof
A Handful of Dust
afternoon tea strategy
Muse phoning it in
and
an extremely traumatising image of calamari.

Plus: Olly almost allowed Lynda La Plante to steer his destiny; Helen shares her psyche with the ship from Dark Star; and we discover Martin the Sound Man find crumbs deeply upsetting. He’s really too delicate for this cruel world.

This week’s Bit of Crap on the App takes the episode’s prevailing theme of afternoon tea and heads straight for the cucumber sandwiches. Fire up the iDevices or Android to hear, and if you try the Cucumber Supercrunch Megasandwich, let us know if it is pleasant.

It is definitely pleasant to send us QUESTIONS; please do so by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving voicemails to the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).

See you next Thursday,

Helen & Olly

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EPISODE 221 – the money shot

June 28, 2012

Hello listeners,

We’re as surprised as you to discover that Answer Me This! Episode 221 opens with a heated discussion upon the topic, ‘What is art?’ Check us out with our high brows!

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Naturally our brows don’t stay high for long; in decreasing order of highfalutingness, we talk about:

Edward Lear
double-ended ice cream
Tracey Emin
Jeremy Deller‘s teenage parties
the Marquis de Sade
firefighters
bridesmaids
pole dancing
Charlie Chaplin drowning horribly
the pull-out method
and
Annabel Chong.

Plus: Olly is horrified to discover that there’s a boarding school-style communal wanking game that he’d never heard of; Helen knows how to make anything unsexy, using ham; and Martin the Sound Man would like to remind you that you only have a couple of weeks left to enter his Science Songwriter of the Future competition, so make the old man happy because he’s got a bad ear this week.

In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App Helen gives you a great tip for making new friends on late-night public transport, based on her recent encounter with a stranger’s pelvis on the Victoria Line. That stranger’s pelvis could be all yours, if you avail yourself of the app on iDevices or Android! Don’t worry if you’re married; the pelvis won’t be worrying about that either.

We don’t want your pelvises, but we do want your QUESTIONS, so thrust them our way by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving voicemails to the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis). As a reward, you may watch the video below of Eleanor from Norwich’s pole dancing team going about their totally sexless business.

See you next Thursday,

Helen & Olly

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EPISODE 176 – menarche-mallow

May 26, 2011

Hello listeners, hello!

It’s been a long holiday, but huzzah, we have returned intact. Since last we spoke, Olly has entered his thirties, and Helen and Martin entered the matrimonial institution (with each other, don’t worry!), so as you will hear, Answer Me This! Episode 176 is all mature and responsible right from the off:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Conversation-nuggets in today’s gold-pan include:

divine disapproval of Helen’n’Martin’s legalised union
Gordon Ramsey’s Cambodian eggy treat
phallic salad
the Pringles saddle
Madonna as Cruella de Vil
Pamela Anderson as cola bottle
the tragic life of Mr E
Forever Plaid
freedom of the city
aldermen
grungers vs. lumberjacks
caviar vs. frogspawn
and
Peppa Pig.

Plus! If you’re looking to pull, just take Olly out on the town with you; Helen bemoans the public interest in whether her womb is available to let on a nine-month contract; and Martin the Sound Man does not want to sound Dickensian. Spoilsport! This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available on iPhone or Android) is about the only meme to involve high-end millinery (that we know of): Princess Beatrice’s fancy hat.

It may have been a while, but you still know what to do: ask us QUESTIONS, in the form of voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. As a reward for your diligence, you can have free audiobooks and half-price Audible membership at answermethispodcast.com/audible until June 5th. Lazy people who don’t bother asking us questions are allowed those too, as an incentive. Carrot not stick, right? And carrot sticks best of all. Blend a metaphor, get a crudite, as our great-grandmothers used to say.

See you next week!

Helen & Olly

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