Posts Tagged ‘Victorians’

EPISODE 356: pig-faced boy

November 2, 2017

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A questioneer today is in quite the state of consternation after clicking on the link to a friend’s wedding list…and finding a dazzling array of Adult Pleasure Implements. And we’re not talking golf clubs or top-of-the-range espresso machines here. Discover what in Answer Me This! Episode 356, in which we also learn about:

banting
political party conferences
non-fiction novels
the Warrens
NSFW wedding photos (link is SFW)
cheesecake – really a cake?
placenta – really a cake?
Leicester Square – really a square?
haunted pubs – really haunted?
and
the benefits of being an influencer.

And if you work in film and want to discuss a development deal for Candlelight Salad: The Movie, get in touch via the contact details below.

Today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iPadPhones, Android and Windows devices – involves the Cheesecake Factory, and an INCREDIBLE NEW TATER TOT INNOVATION at Denny’s.

Want to hear more from us? There’s the retro AMT episode that lands your feed mid-month – right now you can hear AMT125, in which we learn about why lion tamers use chairs and where witches used to stick their brooms. To get it, subscribe to AMT on your podcatcher of choice. All of our back catalogue is available from answermethisstore.com, along with our special albums.

Thanks to today’s sponsors: first direct, whose online banking services you can find at firstdirect.com; and those stalwarts of podcast support Squarespace. Have a go during the two-week free trial, then get 10% off Squarespace’s website-hosting and -designing services for a whole year with the discount code ‘answer‘.

Send us your QUESTIONS: call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis or send us a voice memo or a written question by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Be our interfriend at twitter.com/HelenAndOlly and facebook.com/answermethis.

We’ll be back with AMT357 on 7 December 2017, and with a Retro AMT episode on 23 November.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT356 Child-Friendly Rating: 22%. Question about a wedding list of sexual playthings, so probably not an episode to listen to on the school run. •••

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EPISODE 326: macho line dancing

October 29, 2015

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Happy news! AMT325‘s Beckie, who was worried who was worrying about having chosen the baby name ‘Aoife’ because her family were being dicks about it? On Tuesday, the baby was born! And she has been named….Aoife! Good for you, Beckie, and welcome to the world, Aoife. All together now: aaaaaawwwwwww.

Let’s change some more lives in Answer Me This! Episode 326 shall we? Or at least deal with a range of minor to moderate problems, concerning such matters as:

Gogglebox
crying vs fart machines
sport vs Helen’s love for her family
sport vs Andrew Lloyd Webber
the haka
the Crystal Palace dinosaurs
matryoshka spy dolls
Queen Victoria
and
the likely successor to The Human Centipede.

Plus: Olly has the equivalent of a shy bladder but for sneezing (which you already know is a problem for him); Helen has to choose between her family and her dislike of sport; and Martin the Sound Man’s cup of Earl Grey is full of tears.

In today’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App – available for iThings, Android and Windows devices – rugby brings the rest of Helen’s family joy, but also forces her brother Andy to tell the biggest lie of his life.

It’s no lie that we welcome your questions. Leave voicemails on the Question Line – call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis – and deliver your emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Say hi at facebook.com/answermethis and twitter.com/HelenAndOlly.

Additional ventures:

Olly’s so fecund at the moment! Birthing out babies and podcasts all over the place. You can find his new show The Modern Mann at modernmann.co.uk, as well as on iTunes and Pocketcasts and the various other podcast-getting places.

Helen is currently releasing new doses of The Allusionist EVERY WEEK (wilts) because Radiotopia is raising funds. Love any of the shows? Donate at radiotopia.fm! And join in her Reddit AMA at 7pm GMT today.

Finally, Martin the Sound Man’s Song By Song podcast is now embarking upon Tom Waits’s Heart of Saturday Night. Not a difficult second album, a cracking second album! (Except for the bits which sound like dinner jazz, which are sub-cracking.)

We’ll return on 12th November 2015 with AMT327.

Helen & Olly

••• AMT326 Child-Friendly Rating: 30%. No bawdy content, but there are swears all over the place. •••

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All aboard for our NEW ALBUM

June 19, 2013

AMT-holiday

Pack your flippers, sunblock and emergency stomach medicine, because our new album The Answer Me This! Holiday is ready to depart!

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It’s 58 minutes 3 seconds of all-new material – right down to the jingles – all about holidays, vacations, minibreaks, staycations, jaunts, sojourns, escapes; whatever you like to call them. In the usual AMT style, we tackle questions about such holidayish topics as:

things to do in New York City
summer reading lists
artificial insemination for pandas
dads’ embarrassing holiday-wear
what lies behind – or, more accurately, beneath – the scenes at Disney
Legoland sculptors
why the Spanish Steps in Rome aren’t Spanish
what to expect from a Chinese breakfast
stag parties abroad
and
why the Brits are lagging behind in competitive eating contests.

Also thrown in with your all-inclusive AMT Holiday package:

A full range of holidaywear: clip-on sunglasses, short shorts, convertible trousers, Speedos, gilets, electroejaculators;
Classic tourist attractions: the Staten Island Ferry, Downton Abbey, Disney’s utilidors, Burghley House, the Winchester Mystery House, Flambards and A Day at the Wells;
Delicious holiday grub: satirical breakfasts, ‘world famous’ foods, congee, Sex on the Beach, the Heart Attack Grill, pork and its tasty friends, Economy Candy;
Delightful holiday companions: Cara Delevingne, Eugene Levy, Nancy Mitford, Adam Richman, naked mole rats, Spagna;
Fun holiday activities: the ‘bollocks’ game at festivals, drinking games, humiliating your fellow diners, being assaulted by Mexican shots girls, trying to remember your one-night-stand’s name.

The Answer Me This! Holiday is available right now for only £2.49 from iTUNES, AMAZON, or directly from us at the Answer Me This! Store

Want to try before you fly? Here’s a sample:

Big thanks to Amy Smith and Sam Pay for the jingles and Jenny Robertshaw for the cover – and speculatively to you for buying it, because your outlay helps fund Answer Me This! (and our actual holidays).

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Best of AMT 2012 part I

December 13, 2012

Hey guys! Remember when we…? And that time when…? And that thing where…? Ah, good times. So many good times! Please join us in reliving half of them in The Best of Answer Me This! 2012 – Part I:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just £1.99 at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

In which we reacquaint ourselves with such beloved old friends as:

The Elves and the Shoemaker
Fabio and Fabio
Hong King Disney
nurse fantasies
the Elgin Marbles
PATP
the seawater cure
Will.I.Am’s nursery rhymes
Pink Lady apples
sexy snowgirls
mad neighbours
bloody Big Bird and dead Kes
Helen’s childhood crush on Inspector Morse
Olly’s kidney
and
Martin the Sound Man’s blue girlfriend.

Plus: drunk callers! Parping! D*ve from Sm*thw*ck!!! And if you enjoyed the assemblage of previously unheard material, ie the blooper reel, you can hear more of that sort of thing every week if you obtain the AMT app for your iDevices and Android.

Join us again next Thursday for the second half of our annual retrospective, and do also supply us with QUESTIONS for AMT 2013. Email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.

Bye!

Helen & Olly

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EPISODE 233 – the birthplace of the Industrial Revolution

October 18, 2012

We have so much for which to thank the Industrial Revolution. Without it, there would be no devices upon which to listen to podcasts, no podcasts either, and certainly not several minutes of this particular podcast – Answer Me This! Episode 233:

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Today’s lessons cover such subjects as:

wave machines
Kanye West’s insecurities
grog
Emma Watson’s accent in The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Britain’s first cast iron bridge vs. Britain’s first roundabout
Baywatch vs. Fruit-Pickers
Salopians vs. fallopians
Biggie vs. TupacElliott vs. Jeff
Priscilla Presley vs. an extended cookery segment on This Morning
sporks vs. foons
Pamela Anderson covered in sticky juice
Roman Facebook
Hypno-Lipo
radio drama’s special stationery
divas and divos (dive and divi if we’re being proper about it)
hook-handjobs
what happened after the Stolen Soy Milk Scandal of AMT231
and
knorks.

Plus: all Olly wants is to read a proper thick issue of Time Out whilst chewing a stick of Orbit; Helen knows all about your fantasy fort made of cardboard boxes; and Martin the Sound Man knows how to keep himself amused when there’s only fruit to talk to.

This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) suggests a money-making scheme for Jon Snow if/when Channel 4 News goes tits-up. We’re registering Celebri-Ties now, just in case.

Register your QUESTIONS with us by emailing them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com and/or leaving voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.

See you next Thursday!

Helen & Olly

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EPISODE 232 – all sorts of vagina shapes

October 11, 2012

Hello!

Holed up in the Holiday Inn in Salford Quays, we contemplated holding a Bed-In for Peace. But then we realised that if we did, the already oversubscribed lifts would become clogged up with press and peaceniks, leaving all the other hotel guests feeling far from peaceful. So, sorry, peace; we made Answer Me This! Episode 232 instead:

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Today we consider:

the Virgin Trains slow reveal
personal massagers
naughty Amazon
animal blood donation
magic oily fish
Les Rosbifs
immature students
maths vs. emotion
cottaging
Ping (who?)
and
the Holiday Inn pillow menu.

Plus: Olly would like to reverse decades of progress in gay rights just so he’s got something to read when he’s on the loo; Helen is unlikely to renew her wedding vows, unless the magazine deal is lucrative enough; and Martin the Sound Man goes off to have a rest in the rest room. He’s a very well-rested man.

Check out this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) if you’ve been wondering what happened next in the tale of vengeance from AMT231 and/or why your pineapple jelly won’t set.

We’re relieved to tell you that our Skype problem seems to be fixed, but if you used Skype to ask us a question in August or September, we never got it, so please ask it again by dialling up answermethis. You don’t need to worry if you sent a QUESTION via email (answermethispodcast@googlemail.com) or the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877); it’s safely swimming around with all the other questions in our question tank.

See you next Thursday!

Helen & Olly

Martin the Sound Man has a little alone time with the personal massager in the Holiday Inn.

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EPISODE 207 – little Starbucks addicts of the future

March 1, 2012

Dear Team AMT,

Saint David, you’ve been lucky to have your own Day for so long, but it’s time to move over, because you know what March 1st is? JUSTIN BIEBER’S 18th BIRTHDAY! His song has more than 700m views on YouTube; how many people saw your ‘greatest’ miracle? Which was what, again? Oh, yes – you created a new hill. In Wales. You managed to find the only bit of Wales that wasn’t already a hill, and turned it into a sodding HILL! Now the monks don’t have a flat cricket pitch! Thanks a bloody bunch. Sit the heck down, and don’t even dare complain while they turn your charming cathedral into a bouncy castle for Justin to play in on his Bieberthday.

Also happening today: Answer Me This! Episode 207.

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Today we talk about:

Gabrielle’s eye
continuity announcers
cold feet
Fabio
Fabio (and Grooverider)
Trafalgar Square
dead Kes
Boris Johnson’s whiff-whaff
appeasing the Naiads
box office flops
empathy vs. efficiency
babyccino
Butlins Redcoats
defensive Renny Harlin
and
the latest shot of pure evil from Will.I.Am.

Plus: Olly has a Celebrity Row over the controversial revamped Clissold Park cafe; Helen has a split personality, if the Myers-Briggs test is anything to go by; and Martin the Sound Man is the Voice of the Yoof, much to the sorrow of the Yoof themselves.

This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) is concerned with the plight of Ben from Durham, who has lost an eyebrow. Wax in haste, repent at leisure, as my grandmother never had to say because nobody would EVER have been so foolish in her day.

We always want your QUESTIONS, and this week is no different: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).

See you next Thursday,

Helen & Olly

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EPISODE 205 – represent for all the men with tiny cocks!

February 16, 2012

So many wangs in Answer Me This! Episode 205. Big ones. Little ones. Extended ones. Stone ones. Religious ones. Cold ones. Coal-fired ones…

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We also consider:

Cillian Murphy in Batman
Jock Kinneir and Margaret Calvert
cemetery etiquette
snowman conformity
scarecrows
steam-power
phallus-power
naked shame
vibrators for health
Akzidenz-Grotesk
prudes vs. exhibitionists
traffic lights vs. policemen
and
pirated story tapes.

Plus: Olly doesn’t pull in Pret A Manger; Helen explains why Death By Vagina was a pretty unavoidable option for the sexually active Victorian lady; and Martin the Sound Man strips off at festivals, because he likes to evoke the bacchanalia of Burning Man all over the place. Or, rather, because he wants to go on the waterslides.

In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android), Olly explains how he could have prevented a decade of war, had the pull of literature not been too strong.

Next week, all going according to plan, we will be joined by a special guest: legendary comedian Jackie Mason! So send us QUESTIONS for him, marked ‘For Jackie’: email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).

See you next Thursday,

Helen & Olly

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EPISODE 194 – interesting dioramas

October 27, 2011

Hello listeners,

In cities the world over, people are staging sit-ins; so naturally we followed suit, and sat in AMT Towers to produce Answer Me This! Episode 194. Yeah, we’re sticking it to The Man!

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

This week, we talk of:

naughty nuns
Going for Gold
The Lion King 3D
fancy dress pitfalls
AFoLs (Adult Fans of Lego)
standard deviation in men’s haircuts
Cornish separatists
Victorian vaginas
Hans Zimmer
high tea
L7
the pink British Empire
impersonating a police officer
John Suchet (NOT David Suchet)
the true meaning of ‘fascinating’
ALF the Alien vs. nipple tassels
and
Southall’s antique jamrags.

Plus: Olly’s suspicions are proven correct that the perennially awful Rosemary Daniels did not get into Neighbours on merit; Helen’s not going to allow someone else to have the pleasure of waving sharp blades close to her head, thankyou very much; and Martin the Sound Man fleetingly refers to ‘The Bill Callahan Effect’. Don’t worry if you’ve never heard of this phenomenon: it is familiar to precisely one person, and that person is Martin. Well done, Martin, for tapping into the popular consciousness so very effectively.

On this week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available for iPhones, iPads and Android devices) you can find out what costume you need to be sexy, smart AND snug on Halloween. Clue: it involves tweed and elbow patches. Ring-a-ding-ding!

Like the greedy greedy bankers, we are greedy – for your QUESTIONS! Leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis) or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, and don’t worry about the consequences: us having a big coffer full of questions will not mean that 99% of the populace has to struggle on without questions at all. Especially as we’ll be giving those questions BACK in next week’s episode, plus interest (answers). In the AMT economy, nobody has to suffer.

See you next Thursday,

Helen & Olly

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EPISODE 165 – a drugs whoopie pie

February 3, 2011

Greetings, Team AMT!

Director David Cronenberg welcomes you to Answer Me This! Episode 165, AKA the Body Horror episode. In it, we take a close look at Prince Alberts, alkaline vaginas and the arse of Jo O’Meara from S Club 73. Cross your legs and here we go:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Come back! There’s good clean fun as well, in the shape of:

nativity plays
pyjama trousers
candyfloss
Bellowhead
whisky mac
Hardy Amies
Damian Lewis
Nuramol
Looxcie
the Polyphonic Spree
Legally Blonde the Musical
Joan Holloway/Harris
Jessica Rabbit vs. Geri Halliwell
Barack Obama vs. babies
Doug Malloy
King Herod
Stephanie Seymour & Son
security tits
Saturday Toilet
and
Benito Mussolini’s bell-end.

We realise that that list gets less clean as it goes on, but no less fun. Further fun: Olly’s Machiavellian side thrusts itself to the fore as he wishes to distort the telly-watchers of the UK into a massive army of Olly Manns; Helen nags you to eat breakfast, else you’ll be all cranky by 11am AND you’ll never conceive a girl-baby; and Martin the Sound Man would like you to know that if your name’s not down, you’re not coming in. At least not until he’s finished his bag of foam shrimps.

This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (appless? Then hurry up and get it for your iPhone or Android device) is a little nugget of showbiz slang. Ever heard of a ‘kinell’? No? Well, you’re not showbiz, are you? Unlike this week’s app bonus footage.

Keep your QUESTIONS coming in please, in the forms of emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or voicemails left on the Question Line 0208 123 5877/Skype answermethis. And if you work for Ginger Crunch Creams, Crabbie’s Ginger Beer or Booja-Booja Ginger Wine Truffles and, after this episode, want to sponsor us, we’ll happily change the name of the show to ‘Ginger Me This’ in return for half a ton of those delicious gingery products every week.

Yours gingerly,

Helen & Olly

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EPISODE 157 – Freddy Krueger gets piles

November 18, 2010

In honour of the Answer Me This! book being officially (well, close) declared ‘one of the greatest pieces of toilet literature of all time‘, we’ve got an accidental toilet-reading theme running through Answer Me This! Episode 157. What does Jack Bauer read on the bog? Is Timmy Mallett’s How to be Utterly Brilliant or Kenny Everett’s Ultimate Loo Book the biggest star in the loobrary firmament? Why does Martin the Sound Man dream sweet dreams of lavatories? Find out all:


This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

This week, we amuse ourselves with:

the Mann Booker prize
Nightmare on Hygiene Street
The Piano: The Musical
Gibson vs. Fender
T3 vs. 3T
tarts vs. tarts
salesmanship vs. psoriasis
The Guardian Bedside Reader
martini-making machines
Autoglym
David McAlmont and Michael Nyman
the Nissan of the guitar world
the Captain Corelli’s Mandolin-branded backgammon set
hairy oil spills
No More Nails
bezoar
nut hamper
the Alcor Life Extension Foundation
parallel parking
and
the Strawberry Strumpet.

Plus: Olly has some dodgy plans for death row prisoners; Helen revolutionises bridal traditions with the help of Stilton; and Martin the Sound Man sold off his glorious ponytail for far less than its current market value. This week’s bonus bit on the app is a question from Jack, the 21-year-old undertaker in Uckfield, who feels uncomfortable with atheism in front of mourners and wanking in front of his cat. What a shy soul!

As ever, we have a hankering for YOUR QUESTIONS, so sate us by leaving a message on the Question Line 0208 123 5877, Skype-ing answermethis, or emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

Now, if you’ve got time this evening (that is, Thursday 18th November), please do pop along to see us read bits from our book at Waterstone’s Gower Street. We kick off at 6pm sharp, but if you can’t make that, how about a rerun at noon on 26th November at Rough Trade East, huh? Come and have a little pre-lunch fun with us. There are some excellent bagel-shops a mere gherkin’s throw away.

Helen and Olly

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EPISODE 139 – nothing about a stork makes me horny. Nothing!

June 10, 2010

Cover your kiddies’ ears during Answer Me This! Episode 139. Not just because of the usual effing and blinding (although that can’t be wholesome for them, surely?), but because this week, we talk about [whisper] Where Babies Come From [/whisper]. Shudder!


This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Aside from the role of birds in the human reproductive process, we speak of:

Sauron’s bird feeders
Billy Kennedy’s fluffy dice
posset
turkey farming
‘shimmering apricot mould’
bloodworm
Kia-Ora
the Virgin Mary vs. pelicans
Ted Heath vs. Hugh Grant
chum salmon vs. chambermates
Chambourcy Hippopotamousse
and
the correct classification of pasta salad.

Plus: Olly turns his fishbowl into a scene from Cannibal Holocaust; Helen busts out another member of her Nauseating Cookery Book collection; and Martin the Sound Man seems to know more than the average sound man about clinical trials, although he was born and raised in a petri dish in a GlaxoSmithKline laboratory…

Now don’t get upset, but after next week’s episode, we’ll be taking a month off to rest our voices. So get your QUESTIONS in, quick! Call 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. See you next Thursday, and we’ll make that precious time together count, ok?

Helen and Olly

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